How to get mom to consider safer living options?

Assuming your mom has a sound mind, you’re in the unfortunate but common position of waiting for the event that forces change. Many of us have been there, it’s not fun. There will be an inevitable event that forces change for mom, at that time she will have to accept a new living plan. For my dad it was a fall that left him on the floor for over 14 hours (his medic alert call button was on the charger) Meanwhile don’t argue with her, it’s a waste of time and effort, she’s not ready to listen and there’s no use harming your relationship. Make sure she’s taken care of vital documents such as POA for medical and financial decisions, an advance directive, and a will. If mom has dementia, this is the time her POA makes decisions in her best interests despite her protests.

I am sorry you are at this stage. It is a huge challenge and I cannot give you advice, but I can tell you my story that (somewhat) ended last week...I hope I am not to boring or preachy. That is not my intent.

That was me and both parents last summer. Actually, it was two summers ago but came to a crisis in August when Dad fell in the garage and lay on the floor for an hour before calling 911 (he wouldn't use his alert button which was in his pocket). Pride does funny things to elders as he didn't confess to me for a few days. He refused to go to the hospital. Mom had fallen many times and left the burner on the stove and nearly burned the house down...

At my Mom's next doctor appointment I asked for a social worker. It was the right thing to do as being the "bad guy" wasn't working. They stubbornly resisted any talk of assisted living with Dad saying "when we are ready" and "we'll think about it". They weren't doing either and had no intention of doing anything to change their comfortable life. My husband and I were enabling their selfish behavior - the ugly truth. The bad guy, I mean, social worker introduced AL into the conversation and had a list of senior advisors. There was talk of all the falls, the fact that we took the car keys away, they were unable to do daily tasks and errands. They depended on my husband and I for everything. We found a local "helper" to bring the trash out, vacuum and set a set of eyes on them a few times a week. I continued to cook and freeze meals for them and drive 2 hours round trip to help out. My husband works full time and became the "maintenance man". It was assumed we'd fix anything that needed fixing.

I found a senior advisor I really liked and we immediately began touring facilities and she answered my many questions. I had to deal with their resistance, start planning what they needed to take with them, what the house needed for repairs in order to sell it and a thousand other things. I put a plan in place and pushed forward. My husband and I told them they had to move to AL and we would support the move and take care of the business end. They weren't happy, dragged their feet but went. The move was 18 hours from hell and Mom went off on me once the movers left. It was a first in my 66 years and I told her if she didn't stop I would never come visit. Well, she got the message, even with dementia.

It took about two months to clean out the house, have repairs done (we did quite a bit ourselves to just GET IT DONE). I closed on the house last week, as we had it in near perfect condition and got a solid price. My husband and I put in at least 500+ physical hours not to mention phone calls, coordination with contractors etc. It was WAY TOO MUCH as we are seniors. My brother lives 18 hours away and was of no help aside from a few texts.

I woke up the day after the closing feeling like I had jet lag. We went for a ride yesterday and that helped a bit. I am wiped out again today, had a cry (first time) and my back hurts. I think I am mourning a new time in life, physically and mentally exhausted from all that was expected of us. I was counselor, cook, contractor, real estate agent, attorney, business agent, etc, etc for two years. I am still getting some of the trust updated but thankfully was able to get the banking done correctly so they can live off the funds in AL.

I think it is time for you to have a social worker come into the picture. Blame it on the doctor. Take the list of names of senior advisors and find one who you can trust. Tour facilities and choose one or two. Set a date. Have the senior advisor and/or social worker with you to back you up when you "break the news".

This is not a choice thing. Push forward. Get it done. Get your life back. Peace and love.

It often takes a crisis to force an elder into AL or, if it's bad enough, a nursing home. Instead of making rational decisions themselves, they wait until a decision is made FOR them by a doctor or a physical therapist in rehab who determines they can no longer live independently. Put it to mom like that. She either decides herself or someone else will decide for her at a later date. Which may be next week, who knows? It took a broken hip to get my folks into Assisted Living. Dad missed Skilled Nursing care by a hair, too.

If your mom still digs her heels in after your chat, and still refuses to make even small changes around the house for safety, get her checked for dementia. Unusual stubbornness about small, reasonable things often indicates cognitive impairment.

gretchmoser, welcome to the forum. I fully understand what you are going through, my Mom refused to downsize into an one level home even though my Dad would pack in a New York minute. Both parents had falling issues, and that her cane was useless. She refused to even try a rolling walker, which my Dad loved to use. "That's for old people" said my Mom who was in her 90's.


I did notice that my Mom wouldn't take any advice from doctors or occupational therapist who were women. Mom always felt that men were much smarter. Oh how I wished my parents primary doctor (a male) hadn't retired, things would have been so much different. Their new primary doctor who took over their files was a woman. I wonder if your Mom has the same mind-set.


Sadly, the only way my Mom was placed into a nursing home was when she had a major fall that had head trauma. She couldn't be placed in assisted living as her injury was too damaging, her brain accelerated into final stage dementia (prior to the fall she was sharp as a tack). Mom could no longer stand/walk, constantly falling at the nursing home. Dad decided on his own to move into senior living, which he really liked, loved being around people of his generation. The place was so nice, I wanted to sign up :)

Do your parents have assigned PoAs for themselves? If so, is it you? This information will determine what actual power you have in this situation.

Next time your mother has an "incident" that brings her to the ER, you just need to tell them that your mother is now an "unsafe discharge" and that she can't live by herself anymore. You keep using the phrase unsafe discharge until the hospital helps you find the appropriate facility for your mother to move into.
You have to now do what is best for your mother and her safety and not what she wants.

Does mom have a care or case manager?