How to get out of living with an often angry and personality disordered elderly parent?

P.S. My issue is that I want to deal with her as little as possible. If she needs me, I will help her, or do things around her house for her, but I need to find a way to decrease contact and detach from the idea that I can have even a somewhat nice relationship with her in her older years. I just hope I can make some changes that protect my mental health while still trying to make sure she's okay in general. I just feel sad that she's at the end of her life and we still have this dynamic going on.

Your mother is mentally ill.

You aren't going to be able to help "just a little". Sorry to sound harsh, but that's the truth.

If you want to read about someone else who went through this, get a copy of "Never Simple" by Liz Scheier She tried to help "just a little". She ended up realizing that she needed to go no contact and leave her mom to be helped by Social Workers. They tried too.

You have both mental and physical disabilities that are, I am thinking, preventing you from having a job. Disability, which must be a factor now in your life, isn't enough to afford most housing, so I am understanding how and why you have ended up where you are now living. You say it is a very good living condition in terms of comfort and it sounds as though you also have a good deal of privacy.

We have heard your side of all of this, and I do sympathize, but I also wonder what your elderly Mom would say about her side of things. It sounds as though neither of you is going "grey rock" silent with the other. It takes two to continuously bicker.

I am glad you are on a list for housing. I do hope you will be able to continue to reach for as much independence as you are able. You, with your severe mental and physical limitations are not in a position to take on caregiving for an elderly woman. Your mother is not going to improve in health or attitude toward you.

I am very sorry for BOTH of you. This is hard to get through on a daily basis and you have my very best wishes. I hope you find housing soon.

With your health problems, you cannot care for Mom. I oversee a nephew who has disabilities from birth. He has been living in an apt for 5 years now alone. I was able to find him help.

Do you get Social Security Disability? If so, then you receive Medicaid and Medicare? Where I live there is HUD subsidized housing. They require 30% of your monthly income for rent. I think electric is a set amount. There are food closets and food stamps. There is Senior/disabled bussing. Reg busses give discounts for the disabled.

I would contact your local Disabilities Dept. My local one is part of Office of Aging. They may be able to help you find a place of your own and resources. The State helps my nephew with a housing voucher. He gets an aid for 5 hrs once a week and a Coordinator. The Aid takes him to appts and to run errands and just to go to the Park.

You may want to check with Social Services about Supplimental income (SSI). You may be able to receive that in addition to ur SSD. They maybe able to help with housing. Even with SSD you can have a job. Just can't make more than a certain amt a year. Ask SS about this.

You can do this. I am so glad u walked away. You should never be ur Moms caregiver in any way. If she starts showing signs of Dementia, you call APS and report a vulnerable adult. You tell them with ur disabilities you cannot help her. Good Luck and update us.

If you don't make the necessary changes NOW, it will be you who dies before your mom.
Please don't go back home. Stay in a homeless shelter if you have to and let Social Services find you affordable housing.
And no matter what, never ever put yourself in such a toxic environment again. You deserve so much better. I hope you know that.

I like how you have plans for your own home. You're in a tough spot but are willing to consider your options & have already taken big steps.

Persistence & grit!
The Finnish call it *Sisu*.

There will be setbacks & obstacles. You may need to settle for a smaller or more modest home than wished for, but it will be your own space.

Connecting yourself to community & social services is a good start. You may wish to suggest to your Mother she connect herself to elder services also. (She can decide).

Best of luck going forward.

Please get your PCP to refer you to a social services case manager who will help you find appropriate, affordable housing for yourself. Or you can contact social services on your own. You can also call APS, Adult Protective Services, and report your situation in the home . APS will make a visit to the home and assessed the dynamics and, can actually take over your care with options if you do not feel safe. APS can also assess your parent and, go forward from there. Do not just sit alone in a hotel room. It is valid to feel afraid and not sure what to do: here's where to start.....get social services involved either via your PCP referral, your own call or call APS.

You have to get out of that toxic situation before it kills YOU. You have only one life, and you deserve to live it without this kind of torment. Narcissistic parents turn into monsters when they get dementia, etc...but they already were to a great extent and they will take you down with them. Protect your one life, while being as attentive as you can and getting her help and into a home somewhere. You deserve this. It's an act of self-preservation.

IF you decide to stay there, limit your interaction by 99.9%.
Clearly, if you are 'sitting in a hotel,' this is your answer.
It is time to move out.

As I often say, the other person won't change, you have to - for your own survival, peace of mind, quality of life. If you do not make changes, the situation will continue to deteriorate / cause you ongoing emotional, physical, and psychological stress.

In order to make this decision to severe your relationship with your mom - as it is now - you need to learn to value YOURSELF. Feel you are worth more than what you are allowing your life to be like in this environment. If you do not value your self / your life, you will stay 'stuck' - Get into therapy if you can. You need support.

Gena / Touch Matters

I'm dealing with the same situation. All I can say is start your spiritual journey now. You will reach a point where none of her negative comments will bother you. Secondly, become a boring person. Give one word replies, if any. Try to understand she is just repeating the programming her parents passed on to her. Break the cycle. Don't do anything for her she can do for herself. Get your chores done then go outside. Walk in nature. You will heal in time. Focus on finding your happiness. Do little things that bring you peace, joy, and excitement. Know this too shall pass. Lastly, let your light shine. That is how you get back at a narcissist.

Hi,
I’m so sorry about what you are going through and all your points about it are completely valid. I pray that whatever those triggers are, are handled with care. Even if you live apart the torturing can still occur so setting healthy boundaries is a must. My Mother is 83 as well and can attack me verbally for no other reason except selfishness. She lives with a sweet therapy dog that is sometimes to hard to handle. I pet sit her because she used to be my dog. She claims the “hero” because she went and got her at the shelter after I gave her up. ( long story) but it was heart breaking. So instead of communicating properly, and having me give her to her, she claimed the hero instead. All I can do is try to be loving and caring all the while being crushed. She has severe memory issues but keeps avoiding doctor appointments and if she were rich she could get the best Nuro feedback, etc. But because she is dirt poor, in California terms, she has to listen to me give exercises, games etc. Which is great don’t get me wrong. But it’s the complacency that’s tough.
So suffice to say, none of this is easy for us that deal with narcissism! I do implore you to get into your own place. Maybe your Mom resents you for your situation. All of us have big dreams for our kids and when that dream for “them” fails it comes out in strange ways, no?. But you are enough, never forget that! My heart breaks for you because I understand the Mother/daughter relationship. My Mom and I are like best friends one month then I find myself blocking her number. I understand her coping mechanisms are coming to the surface and I try my best not to take stuff personally. Her Sister died of dementia related issues, her son died from murder. All this stuff can take it’s toll. But her faith in Jesus has overcome most. So forgiveness is key, love will overcome! Take care of yourself.

(copy and paste)

https://agefriendlypikespeak.org/resources_categories/housing/#:~:text=The%20Colorado%20Springs%20Housing%20Authority,are%20inspected%20annually%20as%20well

and this sentence to do a search: "jobs for the disabled colorado springs co"

wileycat66: Living with an elderly mother is difficult. Living out of state in their home to provide care for them is difficult. Knowing that mother kept in communication with her brother in law, all the while realizing that he abused the person who was caregiving for them/their child/myself.

OP, you must look out for number one, yourself, else your health issues decline even further. As you are "sitting in a hotel," you may have already your answer.

If you are on disability and are low-income you can move into handicapped apartment-style housing where the rent is based on a sliding scale for payment. Most of these places take 30% of your monthly income. It may sound like a lot but really it isn't because utilities are included in the rent.

Look online and put in applications for these places. Normally they do have waiting lists. So get your name on a few of them.

I totally understand where you're coming from living with your elderly mother and the abusive and awful treatment you are recieving because I lived it myself. Only I did not have separate quarters like you do in the basement. Life as my mother's caregiver nearly drove me to an act of desperation. Not only did she value me less than a bag of garbage dumped on a curb, she is also a bully that is verbally abusive and always has been.


My mother also expected me to lovingly be her constant companion. It is obscene and grotesque that an abusive person would expect this, yet they do. I think your mother probably expects it of you too.

Get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Get your name on housing waiting lists. Save as much money as you can because you will probably have to buy furniture and household goods when you get approved for housing. It may take some time, but you've got nothing but time in a situation like yours.

Get online and start researching handicapped housing which is income-based rent.

In the meantime, stand up to that bully. Stop waiting on her hand and foot. When she starts barking orders at you and being verbally abusive tell her to go 'F*herself' and leave.
Her house is your official residence so she can't throw you put unless it's through the eviction process.

Good luck.

Update. I have gone through a lot of therapy by now to deal with all this. It is still ongoing and hard to take. I am on housing lists. I also work part time selling rare books online and that requires the extra room I need here. I may have to do that work out of a storage unit because I think I will only be able to get a studio apartment by now for 55+ and older.

I'm sure my mother's side of things is that I am overreacting and too sensitive. But nearly every day there is some kind of a bullet coming at me. Maybe they don't seem too much to the average person, but I am thin-skinned.

The other day we got into it because I simply reminded her to take her cell phone with her and she yelled, "What good does it do? You never have your cell phone on you to answer it!" I already defended myself the week before over this same thing because I have answered it many times. Then she told me I was overreacting and called me narcissistic.

Yesterday, I spent an hour looking for her elderly dog, who was hiding in an odd place in the house the whole time because the people next door are putting up a new roof. She was out driving around as well and when I found the dog, I came out to get my cell phone out of my car to call her and she was in the driveway already. Her first reaction about me finding the dog is, "Why the hell didn't you call me?!"

It's just stuff like that I can't deal with. I admit. I am too sensitive. I am too sensitive to all the complaining and swearing that goes on around here and me trying to help with so many things. It is not my job to help solve all her problems and make her happier.

She has pretty bad oteoporesis and didn't want to take a newer medication that has terrible side effects. So I told her to talk to her doctor about going to the gym to do weight machines, which he cleared her to do. Then she wanted me to go with her and I have. Now that has turned into a frustrating event where she takes half the day to get herself to get ready to go. If I don't go with her, then she doesn't manage to go on her own and then I feel guilty.

So this is another thing I set myself up for when things were going well between us again. It's not that she can't get there herself. It's that she doesn't care unless I do.

I started thinking, why does she think I should be at her beck and call on my phone all the time? I try to keep it with me when she's out in case an emergency happens, but I'm not perfect at it.

Most of the time she is calling to show me something she thinks I might want, which is nice of her.

So the experience is never black and white, but the verbal harshness on a regular basis gets to me.

I am now being referred to a rheumatologist as my IgG is high twice in a row. I am finally almost getting out of a bad months-long infection from a dirty scope from an endoscopy and I still have functional dyspepsia flares from it.

I thought all the therapy and anger management I've taken would help and it mostly has, but I have to suppress a lot of stress internally and once in a while, I am triggered and defend myself and it goes downhill because she has little empathy or self-awareness and I feel terrible yelling at an old lady in the end.

Even my father, who was married to her for 13 years, said to me, "I know it's hard. Must be all the criticism. "

So, basically, I am finally in the full acceptance mode that I am not mentally or emotionally well here due to the CPTSD and I am finally beginning to get out and make some new friends and such. I have pointed her to several opportunities for social outings for herself and nothing happens.

I am kicking myself about this gym thing but I was truly trying to help her.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I didn't see all these for some reason until I came back on here.

I just have so much guilt as she has helped me a lot in life, too, but also sourced a lot of damage to me early on. This site has been so helpful. Boundaries and detachment are needed.