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I can no longer handle the stress of dealing with my 86 year old demented father. He was put in a nursing home today, but I know w/in 21 days he will be released and will return to his own home where he will continue to be a danger to himself. I don't care that he is a danger to himself; I honestly to don't care about anything that happens to am any more. I have given up nearly 2 yers of my life dealing with his issues and I have had it. My brother is also unable/unwilling to be his POA. How do I remove myself from this legally?

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My heart goes out to you and I can see that you are at the end of your rope. If your father was just put into a nursing home today with dementia, why will he be released within 21 days? Are you also his Health Care Proxy representative? Have the doctor at the nursing home revoke his health care proxy which means he cannot leave the facility. You would be in charge and the doctor would not discharge someone with dementia who could be dangerous to himself - that would be considered AMA which is against medical advice.

I understand you don't want to be POA anymore. I know first hand how they can drive you to the end of your rope with their actions, accusations, and generally bad behaviour. There is language in the POA to the effect that you can resign from this. I don't have it in front of me, but recall seeing it.
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Daughter, 1926, sorry I clicked too soon before I finished above post. After you resign from POA, you would have to have a legal guardian appointed by the court. Do you really want that to happen? Believe me, I do understand how you are feeling, but as a representative from Elder Services told me; if you go that route for guardianship, you will lose all control as to where your father can be placed. I do know how they can drive you off the deep end, but when I realized that I could at least control the facility my mother was going to, and not have her in some hell hole, I decided to stick by her despite the fact that she was causing me so much stress. Take a couple of days to rethink everything, you don't want to do something you might regret later. I know washing your hands of it all is quite appealing and whatever you decide to do, I will be here if you want to vent and will not comment on your decision. Just wanted to make sure you had all the information before you do anything. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Take care.
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He will be kicked out because that is when medicare coverage will be stopped - they only cover for 21 days post hospitalization. Typically the next thing people say is, "Well, let medicaid cover it." No can do. He was denied medicaid last year when we applied due to the fact that he has two timeshares and those are considered assets. Sell them people say. No can do. There is no market - and they are garbage, no one one wants them. Give them away people say. No can do, they come with a $1,800 per year HMO liability. Stop paying the HMO. Have done so, they have made no move to reposess - highly unlikely they will. Give them to State. Would love to. Tell me how.

So, no medicaid. So, pay down all his assets to the nursing home until they are depleted - That will be accomplished in about 3 months since the home runs about $4,500 per month and he has about $18,000 to his name. He already spent the value of his reverse mortgage down to zero so that is no possibility.

Ok, so what happens to him when that is done all assets are spent and he doesn't qualify for medicaid? No one can tell me. Guess he goes home right? Well, since he is a "danger to himself" he can't really, can he?

He mentally and emotionally abused me my entire life and I have only become POA in the last two years because I believed it to be the right thing to do. However, I cannot pursue resolving all these issues any more. I do not have time, nor the desire. I do not care where he ends up and I do not care how the state gets their money. I am done, want to wash my hands and walk away.
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Daughter1926, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.My father verbally and emotionally abused me also. He had the good graces to die before my mother and no one had to take care of him except her.

Both my parents were very narcissistic and emotionally immature. They both came from broken homes. They just didn't/don't have it to give. I have tried for years to get my mother to make me an alternate on her POA in case I needed to take over for my brother. No go.

So I am at peace with letting the courts deal with her if it comes to that. She can go into whatever they deem appropriate. I have warned her and she would rather accuse me of wanting her money, etc. etc.

I read between the lines on your post that there is much pain. I hope you get some help for the anger (and I know there is anger, I have it still) and other bad feelings you have.

No one can make you take care of your father. The problems seem great with Medicaid. That is an eye opener. You need some professional advice as to what avenue to take to be able to get him help. Just don't take him into your home. If you don't agree with this statement, please read all the posts from people who have done this and the nightmare it has become.

I am sure you will get many comments. There are so many on thsi site with issues dealing with difficult parents. Sift through them and, in time, you will see your path. Good luck





Good luck to you.
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I appreciate people's help. No, he definitely will not move into my home. What I need to do and know is how do I get rid of the POA?
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There is a Resignation of Agent form on line. Just Google it. Print it out, fill it out and have it notarized. Give copy to your father and anyone else who has you as the agent.
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One last question, will this resign me also from any claims of negligence. Mind you, any one can file a claim about this, so I get that. But in terms of culpability, I want to be completely removed. There is nothing wrong. He has not been harmed. He is safe, etc. But, if the nursing home eventually needs to remove him from their care since he will run out of money, I don't want the one being held responsible for negligence by "doing nothing" because I used to be his POA and then gave it up.
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That seems to be according to the state you live in. There is a strange law called the filial law in 30 states. It tries to make children responsible for their parents but in the past has not been inforced. I would do some research about the laws of your particular state and what is considered negligence.

I am with you, I don't want to be forced to take care of my mother. She has done everything she can to keep me in the dark about her business. So I figure she doesn't want me to be involved. Fine with me.
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Colorado does not have the filial law (thank goodness - what a horrible thing that states can do to people!! It's not like we chose to be born, right?). Thanks for the information on the Form, I'll get it downloaded and taken care of. Sorry to hear about your mother and your burden(s) as well. What a nightmare so many of us have to go through.
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Daughter - I understand more now how you feel. Do you thing if your father spends down all his money to the $2,000 allowed by medicaid, that he would be approved. The properties he owns would have a lien put on them and it would be up tot he state to get their money upon his demise. As far as being responsible for anything owed by your father - a lawyer once told me, just don't sign ANYTHING - and I never have. It is a nightmare you are going through - but, I have overheard workers talking at my mother's nursing home to the effect that one of the resident's family members no longer wanted to be involved with the care, etc. and the nursing home was assuming the responsibility. You have to do what you have to do and until I've walked in your shoes, I don't know all that you have been through. It's sad that it turns out like this, but many elderly bring it upon themselves, unfortunately.
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Would the state put the lien on the time shares? That will be interesting since it is really NOT an asset (remember they cannot be sold because no one wants them or any of the other units in that building) but a liability.

Is it safe to sign as POA? Once I relinquish my POA, who signs then? My demented dad? My thought is not to sign anything until "my attorney reviews it" although I am desperately looking for an attorney who really "gets" this stuff. Any recommendations?
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Yes, seek the advice of an elder lawyer. Believe me, lawyers "get" more than you think. I have two in my family, they are not dumb. What lawyers do is specialize in certain areas of law. So it is our duty to hire the one with a speciality in whatever need we have. That is where some make mistakes.Assuming all lawyers know everything about all law. And like many things, there are the good ones and the bad ones. Also, ask who is good. You need to have many questions answered and answered properly.

When you resign your POA, there will not be one unless your father appoints another, if he can. Maybe you can hire a good, ethical lawyer to handle everything. There is never an easy answer when dealing with a difficult parent. I still have many unanswered problems with mine. Good luck to you.
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I was not trying to disparage attorneys, I meant that this is a "hazy" areas and so many people don't know the questions I have been asking, I feel I really need a well recommended attorney in this area. Any ideas where I could find one? Who would I ask "who is good?"
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Maybe if you call elder services in your area or where your father lived they could recommed a lawyer specializing in elder affairs. Also, sometimes Elder Services has lawyers who volunteer their time to help families with many of these situations. Sometimes they can be quite candid about who they recommend especially if you explain the necessity of having someone you can truly trust. Sorry you are going through this. It is not easy. Let us know how you make out. Blessings and take care.
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Thank you very much. How lucky I was to find this site. !!
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daughter1926,I am sorry, I didn't take that you were disparaging them. My daughter and son in law who are attorneys make fun of them, even ones they work with! It comes witht the territory. But I know a few really good ones and elder services would be a great place to start. Just remeber to get one that specializes in elder law. You are so wise to ask all of these great questions. Just keep asking and you will get all the information you need. Take care and good luck.
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It is a huge burden to be POA for a parent, even if that parent is not difficult. The nursing homes expect YOU to pay if Medicaid doesn't, even if they can't make you, they can make life extremely difficult. They will threaten to evict your parent. This is such a huge problem in this country. Adult children should not be responsible for parents who didn't make sure they would be taken care of. I want to help my parent but do not want to be in the position of being responsible for EVERYTHING, and being the one who the nursing home calls all the time. I have children and a family myself. This is literally making me sick. I am worried all the time. My mother gave money away to a grandchild which may jeopardize her getting Medicaid and it becomes my problem!
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Wowdaughter1926. I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I city everyday and want to end my life because I've been dealing with the same thing for 3years. Every time you try to move forward there is a road block. If I end joy life then it won't be my problem anymore and my brothers my husband and my fathers brothers will figure it out. Cuz I get no help.
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I just want to give up poa
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Daughter1926, were you able to give up POA? I'm in a similar situation except my problem is my father has no assets because he either gambled or gave away everything to younger ladies of questionable character. He foolishly thought they were going to stay around and take care of him. He is 78 and also has dementia and Parkinson's. He lives by himself in an apartment and has some help during the daytime. I feel he needs 24/7 care though. He can't cook, clean or drive and also has urinary incontinence. He has refused every assisted living place we (brothers and sisters) have taken him to and won't even entertain the thought of seeing another one. He has no savings and owes federal and state taxes. He is living off his pension and social security but half of that goes for someone to assist him. He thinks he can still do everything and that he has no problems. I live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast so it makes it more difficult to assist with his affairs. My brothers and sisters will help to an extent but won't take him in. We tried to warn him about his behavior but he just told us that we are not his boss. I've done just about everything I can do for him. I'm living on the edge myself. I see someone in order to deal with anxiety. I'd like to get out from under all of this. I can't do much more for him.
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Sorry, I didn't really answer your question but instead told you about my problem. I guess I'm kind of like Don Imus, the radio talk show host, who says that he gets nervous if after 5 minutes the conversation doesn't turn to something about him!
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If your father is a danger to himself, where is his physician in all of that? If he is being sent to a nursing home for 21 days, his doctor can declare him non compis mentis and have him put permanently in nursing care under medication and surveillance.
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If your Father is compatent?He has the right to remove you as POA.Simple as him going to the attorney and doing it.If he's able to go his self.Or you can take him if willing.
Since,he has dementia as long as he isn't taking any medications for his dementia he is still legally compatent.Unless told otherwise by his doctor.
The main question you need to answer is,Is your Father compatent not?
If he is incompatent?It's your job as his POA to find another that is willing to be his POA.You just can't leave him to the dogs.
If it's money stopping him for appling for Medicaid?As to much money in his funds so to speak.If his compatent?Tell him to drain his accounts.If ever asked where the funds went he can say he gambled it all away on lottery tickets.Tells him to start calling the 1800 gambling hotline once a month.Wait a yr and apply for Medicaid problem solved.There's Millionairs on Medicaid as we speak to this same thing.Moving money and transferring assets & titles.All these Millionairs do is transfer their funds & cars into another family member's name to hide it.And use Gambling as their reason of loss.But,as you are his POA you will answer for all that is messing if he is incompatent.Sounds to me you & Dad should of done this before POA.
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I have a cousin that as POA has gambled away all of her mothers funds that were earmarked for her incompetent mother's assisted living costs. Her mother
has advanced stages of dimentia and I need to know how to get her daughter
to willingly give up her POA and transfer to another responsible family member.
I have the stick as leverage as I can report her to Health and Human services
and she will be arrested and convicted and sent to prison if she does not.
So what I need is the specific technical details and forms and procedures to
not only get her to resign but also what is necessary to transfer POA responsibility
to someone else. Question one is can someone with durable power of attorney
assign POA responsibility to someone else before they relinquish Durable
POA ?

IO
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It is no easy task being POA. My mother has Alzheimers and wasn't the problem at all. The problem was her granddaughter had taken thousands of dollars from her and I knew it would be a problem with Medicaid. All of my brothers and sisters left it to me to deal with and if my mother couldn't have stayed in a nursing home, I would have had to take her in my home, quit my job, have no life, and take care of her. They didn't care. It would have been all up to me because I was POA. And they wondered why I was a nervous wreck.
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Daughter1926. I couldn't believe that someone like me is also out there. My husband and I want to relinquish POA and DPOA for my mother. We were given this responsibility in the 1990's Judi in case. We have had it!! She has emotionally abused me for years! We have had it. My brother lives in Florida and never lifted a finger to help. The last few years have been a nightmare. Getting her into an assisted living facility, and after 4 moved finally getting Medicaid for her. We thought things were finally settling down . She keeps falling and broke her arm. She was placed in a rehab/nursing home and the plan is for her to stay. Last week I heard through another party that she wants to leave because she isn't happy there. She has done this 4 times in the last year!! Conniving behind our backs to find another facility. We thought that now that she is in a long term facility that she finally would be settled. My husband and I have had it. We bith have physical issues of our own. I have had 2 heart attacks and bypasses. I am legally blind so the burden has all fallen to my husband. Last week he wrote a letter relinquishing our POA and DPOA and want no more to do with this person I can't even bring myself to call her mother. We contacted my brother in Florida and told him we gave all his information to the nursing home. My husband and I both signed this letter and gave a copy to the social worker at the home and a copy to her. Who would have ever believed she would live to be now in her 90th year! We just don't care anymore. I don't care what happens to her now. I know that this sounds harsh , but I've put up with this person who was never motherly to me. All her attention went to my brother who has shown no interest in her. We live in NH and just can't deal with her anymore. Do we have to do more to finally get rid of these responsibilities!! I've cried years of tears over this. My husband and I just want to live our own lives. My husband just retired and we want to enjoy our own lives and my daughters and our grandchildren. You can be sure I raised them exactly opposite than I was raised., and they were told and shown daily that we loved them. A word that I never heard. We just want out!!!!
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I see where this can be nearly insurmountable in some situations. Would filing bankruptcy be/have been an option for any of the elders who need care, to force "assets" to be repossessed without "gifting"?
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Last year.our elderly neighbor made us her POA..
We did not object but she uses us as her scap goat..
She has spent down to almost nothing in the last year..We located a place that willl take her then let her stay on..

We tried our best to have someone from the state step.in.because she was giving her care giving money away to two greedy manipulative daughters.

Its.become a mess..in order for ger.to.be admitted she needs a power if attorney so.we plan.on having our lawyer write a letter telling them and her we resign.

Its been one H*ll if a year dealing with this dysfunctional famy..She 5 hrs if care a day then.the 19hrs a day.she relies.on us we have turned.into.her.endentured slaves.

We went.on.vacation.last.month.and.she.yyelled and.screamed.at.her care.giver.that.how.dare.they.go.on.vacation.

The sad thing a.friend of ours.bought.her house and let.her stay.in.it.for.1.00 a year

In this last year she has damaged walls floors etc by ramming.her.electric wheel chair in to them.
Never again will.we be anyones POA...

She.told.us.it.only.comes.into.affect when she.dies.

What a nightmare a.good deed hads become..Her dtrs only.come.by.when they want.money.

She.expects us.to.move.her.and my.husband.said.if family.is.bringing.trucks.to get stuff they can.move..oh they r.to.busy to do that...
I feel.bad.but.not.enough.to.continue.to.be.used and abused.

The.kicker.is.she.told.family.my
Husband.has.control.of.her.money.

Which he.never.had..We.keep.being.told.her.mind.is.ok she can.give all.her.money away if she wants.

.
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We r POA for an eldetly neighbor its become a nightmare.
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My.husband asked.her older dtr do youwant the POA. Of your.mom.she said NO you can.keep.it.
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