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He is now accusing 82 yo wife of cheating. Husband diagnosed with vascular dementia in January 2026 and is declining rapidly with his memory and weight loss. His neurologist has prescribed medication for calming his anxiety and to help him sleep at night, however, I can rarely get him to take them because he says he has to watch me. He is verbally abusive when we are alone but nice when others are present. He recently fell hospitalized with a brain bleed convinced Dr. he was fine discharged home instead of rehab. I’m exhausted, sleep deprived and sometimes scared of my husband of 40 years.

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Please don’t let your story end with you being injured. It’s no longer safe for you to attempt caring for your husband in your home. He needs more than you can provide now. Let the doctor know the exact behaviors, medication resistance, and fears for your safety. Time for memory care in a place that is trained for his situation and you to be rested and have calm in your life
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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It's time to place him in a care home. You can then visit and be well rested. Do not visit daily. You need rest as much as he does.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Any time your husband is abusive in any way make sure that you call 911 and have him taken to the ER. No one should live in fear of their own spouse dementia or not.
And if your husbands care is now too much for you please don't hesitate to get him placed in a memory care facility as you matter too in this equation.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Are you his PoA? If so, he has a diagnosis of dementia and your authority should be active (maybe request a letter of diagnosis signed by his neurologist on the clinic letterhead - this is very useful to have when others are fooled by his "show timing"). With this you should be able to trick him into going into a MC facility. Start visiting places (without him).

Even if you're not his PoA I would request that letter.

Have you tried telling him the meds are for "virility"? Or anything else you think he's accept? Put them in a different bottle so he can't check. This is called a therapeutic fib and caregivers of spouses with dementia use this as a strategy to get compliance.

Another solution may be to hire an in-home aid so that he will be forced to be on his best behavior while s/he's there.

Or, the next time he is abusive to you (even just verbally) you can call 911 and tell them me might be having a brain bleed from his prior fall because his behavior isn't normal. Don't mention the dementia as this is not considered a medical emergency and they might not come. At the ER you tell the discharge planner about his behavior at home and that he's not been compliant with his meds and therefore is an unsafe discharge and that you don't feel safe at home. I would not contact the neurologist so that he can't talk his way out again. Ask to talk to a social worker and see if he can be discharged directly into rehab or a MC facility.

Last resort is that you yourself move out of your house (go to a relative or friend's house or even a women's shelter) — somewhere he can't find you — and you report him to APS and tell them what's been going on. You may be out of the house for a while. It will be really hard for a while but once you get him placed your life will improve.

I'm so sorry you have to endure this every day. And I'm sorry for your husband, too -- no one asks to have dementia. It sucks 100%. Let us know if you have any success so that others can get guidance from your experience.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MTNester1 17 hours ago
I so much appreciate your reply to this question. Sometimes we get so worried about the caregiving spouse that we can lose sight of the bigger picture. Dementia, in any of its forms, is a horrible disease sometimes not recognized early on. And, as you stated, no one asks to have their brain no longer functioning properly. Those people are to be sympathize as well. People who haven't dealt with the disease sometimes act as though the patient is pretending. Thanks for reminding everyone that they are victims, too.
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