I don't know the word for it with seniors. I just remember from when I was in college and worked part time in a preschool we used that term to refer to some of the littles who would do things, including hurt themselves, break things, and lie, because they wanted attention. Often these were kids who maybe weren't getting enough attention at home (not necessarily neglect — it was super common among kids who had a new sibling! When a kid acted a certain way we could bet that when mom or dad came to pick them up they'd be with a newborn… ;))
With kids the best solution was positive attention. Basically giving them plenty of attention, but not for the the attention-seeking behavior, if that makes sense.
But now I'm facing this with Dad and all my techniques are right out the window. If he feels neglected, he tends to create injuries or slights and make a whole mountain of them, and any attempt to redirect, or provide positive attention, creates accusations of ignoring "what he's going through." And yet, if I say fine, tell me how you are feeling, it tends to build and build until he (literally) told me he wished he was dead because he has a toothache. (I wish I was exaggerating). Well that's not healthy either!
Plus he uses these incidents as a way to cross boundaries — I've tried to limit the amount of times he calls me at work because it is incredibly excessive and causing me problems with my employer, but to use the toothache as an example, that (to him) means he no longer has to respect my boundary about work time calls because he's "in agony" and "nobody's helping him." (Though he gets regular dental care and his primary care physician came to the AL specifically to give him antibiotics and prescription pain meds for the toothache)
I know there has to be a way to handle this that respects my time and boundaries but also makes him feel like he's getting adequate attention.
You set boundries for yourself. There's those that won't agree but lose his phone. If all he is using it for is to bug you, he doesn't need it. He needs to rely on the aides and the aides need to deal with it. Thats why Dad is paying big bucks to live there. If you allow him to keep the phone, put yours on Do not disturb while at work. No calls will ring through and will go to VM. You can read the VMs when u can or feel like it. I have mine set up that I only get calls from those on my contact list. The AL will call you concerning any emergencies. Tell them Dad is not to use their phone either. Explain to the Nurse what you r doing if you take the phone away.
You will need to tell little fibs to get thru this. When he complains about the tooth, just say u will talk to the Nurse about having the dentist come look at it. Even though he has been told the tooth is ok.* If he says "I have been calling you about the cut on my arm" You say that he needs to bring things like that to the aide's attention so she can do something about it" (u may have to call the facility and ask that an aide look at his problem. Hopefully after a while he will just turn to an aide) He needs to acclimate himself to the AL and rely on the staff for help. You should do nothing the aide can do or the Nurse. That is why I say no phone. As long as he can call u, he will rely on no one else.
Dad is where he is to make you life a little easier too. Dad is safe where he is. He has socialization and activities. He has people that will bandage that hurt. He will be OK but he needs to be allowed to adjust to his new norm. You can't be the person he turns to for every little thing. You need to be able to go to work knowing he will not be calling you. You need to sit down at night without him calling you. You can cut visits short if all he does is complain about imagined problems. Again, you set your boundries for you.
*If this tooth is a continuous thing and nothing is wrong with it, it maybe his sinuses. I have a tooth where the root is very close to the sinus cavity. During allergy season my tooth starts to hurt. Maybe an allergy medicine may help.
As my mother would forget that I’d answered a question already, each time she would re-ask a question, she would get more and more upset about the issue.
When we began treating this anxiety with meds, the catastrophic reactions calmed down.
Here is a link to an article on the subject:
https://caregiverrelief.com/dementia-catastrophic-reaction/
Your body language & reactions in general make a big difference in how your dad responds to what he perceives to be a crisis. When you are at work, however, you can't respond to him AT ALL, which is something you need to realize: let all those calls go to voicemail & check them periodically to see if the AL calls you; THEN you will know there's an issue. O/w, it's just dad making lots of phone calls that don't need immediate attention. That's how I'd deal with my mother & her various 'crises' that would have her calling me multiple times a day: voice mail. If the MC called me, THEN I knew she fell or there was a REAL problem to deal with.
Here's a list of useful Do's & Don'ts for dealing with a dementia patient:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The "Do's"
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
And a great booklet (download) to read:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Best of luck!