My mother is pretty stable right now though she has a number of serious things wrong. She still is living independently (barely) with some hired help. She's had multiple TIA's and walking is difficult though her recent round of physical therapy has helped a lot. She is supposed to be using a walker but instead uses her cane most of the time - no one can stop her. The last TIA scared her enough that she finally made out a will and DPOA (unfortunately only kicks in if declared incapacitated). Ever since then when I talk to her she drops these comments in out of left field about how she might not live that long or IF she lives that long etc. I'm not sure how to respond to this. Given her medical risk factors (stroke and heart) it is possible she could die tomorrow which is a hard truth I've been living with for some time, but I think she is only beginning to realize. But it's also possible she could continue to live many years as well. I feel like she's bringing up her impending death too as a form of manipulation toward me also - for more attention or worry from me. How best should I handle this???
Maybe the comments indicate she would like to talk about dying. Give her an opening.
"Mom, what do you think happens to us after we die?"
"Mom, sometimes when I think about dying I'm OK with it, and sometimes I'm scared. How about you?"
"Have you ever thought about what kind of funeral you'd like?"
Kazaa, you mom sounds like the classic one putting it right out there. Lucky as a black cat, lol! Here's an example of what mine is doing - she just bought an appliance with a five year warranty. As we talked about she said, "Oh I probably won't even be around five years." I said of course you can and will, but really I don't know that.
Jeanne and Captain, I like the idea of pointing out to her that none of our days are guaranteed. Maybe then opening the subject seriously so that if she genuinely is worried she can talk about it, but if she's doing it manipulatively (given her personality this is possible) it'll lead somewhere she doesn't want to go and discourage this.
Just letting the other person know all the confusion and pain you are feeling. When your mom says something that you are unsure of you could say what you are thinking at that moment.
We tried not to dwell on the subject but we did address it. We also asked her if she had any thoughts about her funeral and what she would like to have. She told us that she wanted a grave site funeral verses being in the church the rest of her family had their funerals in. I think that is a matter of cost however.
Anymore when she gets mad she will yell, "I will be so glad when I am dead and out of here!" We just say to her "Well Mom that may be true but for right now, we need to hop in the shower and get a bath!"
I would say that if you think you really want to have a discussion on what your Mom may want as far as a service when she does pass away, I would approached the subject and just say "Mom, this is a difficult conversation for me to have with you, but can I ask you what you would like to have us do for you when you pass away.?" Just be gentle and not rush into it headlong and upset her. If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, then back off and say, "Okay Mom that's alright, I understand this is not an easy conversation for either one of us."