How can I handle my mother's constant nagging for my attention because she is 'lonely'?
How can I handle my mother's constant nagging for my attention because she is 'lonely'? I myself am a mother, grandmother, work at home with medical transcription and volunteer at my grandson's school. My life is as I wish it. I had not planned on having to 'be there' for an emotionally needy elderly mother whose constant complaints of 'being lonely and depressed' are starting to make me depressed. My mother was not there for my siblings and myself growing up after I turned age 9, because she had a 'break' with sanity. She packed up the kids (five of us) and dropped us off at the juvenile shelter because she said "we were driving her crazy". This happened after she divorced our father. I and my siblings spent years in foster care and often, I felt we were scattered to the winds. My mother did not really come back into my life until I was married with a child. Then, I suppose, I would have no real need of her. Over the years, I lost three of my siblings to Huntington's Chorea and my surviving older sister, will have nothing to do with our mother for what she did to us as a family. I have tried to forgive and forget and have some sort of relationship with my mother, but it has always felt one-sided, on my part. My mother is a very cold, selfish person whose outlook on life seems to be, "what about me?". She has never tried to cultivate a relationship with my daughter, now grown, and my grandson. She seems oblivious to the fact that relationships take work. You have to earn someone's love and care. She seems to think because I am the surviving child who WILL talk to her, that I am her responsibility. She even moved closer to my home (less than one mile away) into a retirement apartment facility, in an effort to be close to me, and for, as she puts it, "in case she needs me". When I do set aside a day to spend with her, she sits there like a bump on a log and wants to be catered to, as if she is a desired guest. Her selfishness and cold nature have made all others in the family ignore her, and it has gotten worse over the years, where no one wants to be with her, as there are no redeeming qualities in her, as a human being. My sister and daughter are amazed that I would want anything to do with her. Sadly, I think I have tried to make this mother-daughter relationship work between my mother and my self, but again, it all feels so one-sided. I have begun to avoid her more and more in an attempt to keep my life as normal as it is. I am so tired of entreating HER to go out and make friends. One of our last conversations on the subject were my asking how it was going regarding attempting to make friends in her apartment complex. She snapped at me, and I mean snapped, when she said,...." I HAVE tried!!!!! I don't like any of them, and none of them like me!!!!!" This apartment complex has over 300 units. All the residents are in her age range. I.e., late 70s to early 90s. I am left with the feeling that she really doesn't want a friend, she wants me, and my time. My resentment over the past with what she did to our family, and the present, with how or why she feels I should be obligated to 'be there' for her, when she was not there for any of us, is getting worse. How can I keep my positive happy life from being destroyed by her constant nagging for my time and attention, when again, as I said, is not enriching at all, as she sits there like a bump on a log and barely ever says more than a paragraph worth of anything. Most of the words out of her mouth are in part, her mantra, which seems to be "I'm lonely, I'm depressed, DO for me!!!!!!"
Please help!
38 Answers
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I commend you for having a relationship with her after she abandoned you and your siblings when you were children. It does sound like she has issues and possibly even a personality disorder. You may want to do some research about Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Unfortunately, she will only get worse as she ages and you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to be her caregiver. Good luck.
I'm late but just found this site. Your mother sounds very similar to my grandmother, emotion wise anyway. I am her only grandchild, and I have a son of my own as well as a house, a dog, and a full time job. My grandmother lives alone but relies on me for emotional support on a daily basis. She is always lonely, depressed, nobody calls her, nobody goes to see her, she needs things done and no one does them for her, etc......it's all about her. Sometimes, actually most of the time, I just want a break from it because it wears me down (and makes me feel guilty), and I struggle with depression on my own a bit (not that she would care about that). Throughout my childhood, I unfortunately did not have much of a relationship with her, because of her nagging and always making me feel guilty. Plus she had very little to zero concern over my emotions or how I was feeling. All that mattered was that I did what she told me I should do. In fact, I got a new job recently (my last job almost gave me a nervous breakdown) and she had the hardest time with it because she can't call me at work now with every little thing. For months she kept asking if I would go back if they asked me. Never mind how miserable I was at the old job, as long as it works out for her needs. I feel for you because I know exactly what you are going through. I've tried to her her to go to the senior center but she doesn't like those people. Sigh.
I do feel a responsibility to her though because she did babysit my son when he was younger (he's a teenager now), so I feel I owe it to her to do what I can, but I want my life back and I want to stop being her emotional crutch. She tells me often enough she wants to die, she is lonely, miserable, etc...and it's so hard to provide emotional support on a continual basis when she gave me none growing up.
Do not feel guilty as you are not responsible for your Grandmother's happiness, she is. When she goes on one of her tirades of "I'm lonely...I want to die", just say nothing or "it is too bad you feel that way". You cannot fix her life, nor are you responsible for what she has become. I suggest you research NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are many books and website that cover this issue. An important thing is to preserve your life that that of your son by learning to set boundaries. Good luck and bless you.
I am going through a similar situation -but the level of guilt is compounded by my mother's health issues (Osteoporosis, peripheral neuropathy, severe anxiety & depression). My Dad is having radiation therapy for cancer and she's been hospitalized twice for UTI's. They are both in their mid-80's. My sister and I are both back in therapy after 9 months of helping them navigate through lots of healthcare and paperwork. They are both in denial about the fact that they are "elderly" and need home health care (at the very least) or moving to assisted living. I am going to research the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Meanwhile, I hope you can set up some healthy boundaries. There's a great book, "Boundaries" Henry M. Cloud. Hope it helps.
Take care,
I am extremely sorry for the break up up your family and the loss of your siblings to such a unforgiving disease.
If she was truly mentally ill, maybe she did the right thing so you would be safer from her growing up. If she just could not afford to raise you I am very sorry. That is no way for a child to grow up.
Do you feel an obligation TO help her? Is she recovered at all? The catering too is a narcissistic behavior. Maybe you can put limits on the time you are there. That is what I have to do with mine. I take my mum to radiation m-f. She hard 3 hours from me from 1-4. I cannot stay longer. I have 4 kids and now thanks to mom, no job. She wants more. My mother needs Hospice care and refuses.
If you feel the moral obligation, you need to put limits. Until she understand that I would not involve her in your happy life.You have to protect you, your family and your sanity. Tell her you can only do what can do.
My mom hired a cousin to be our nanny because she worked in an office all her life, and I admired her for that. I can understand that some women really would rather work in an office, than be a homemaker with small children, because it is a difficult, financially unrewarding job. I am a stay at home mom, and I know how unglamorous the job is, compared to going to the office and having your worked done in 8 hours.
Anyway, I could not remember moments in my childhood where mother spent time with me, or helped me with school work, or talked to me when I felt lonely and confused as a young teen. Having experienced motherhood myself, and being a wife, I can see so some of my parents' shortcomings ... It makes me mad to think that my mother wasted those years - she could have developed a good relationship with my children, or my siblings'children. But she was too difficult to get a long with - strongwilled, arrogant, and accusing. In her frailty and old age, esp. now that my father is gone, she has become VERY needy. I tell her up front that she is very needy and I do not have the mental and emotional capacities to fill her void. Only God can. And if she is somehow stranded in another country, I remind her that their decision not to migrate in early years, caused that and she should just accept that is the path she chose.
My mom would cry like a little child, and somehow, because the manipulation was so severe when I was growing up, I got desensitized to a point, that it does not bother me as much as it did before. Also, knowing that I myself "put in the time" as a mother, makes me confident and not feel bad of telling my mother what her real situation is -- and that we will all face death someday, might as well make the most of every minute that we are alive. I tell her to make every day count. Serve others, give to others instead of expecting and REQUIRING people to cater to you.
I do send her money twice a month. She said that is not enough, and i tell her - that is all I have because I cannot continue to fight with my husband regarding our financial situation - it is not God's way. We believe in the Bible, and suppose to be born-again Christians (not burn again). I tell my mom, that God's way is peaceful, not chaotic. So, when she starts to wail, and also act as if she could not breathe on the phone -- NPD to the max --- I start to pray and ask the Lord to take care of the rest. And when my mother's emotional repertoire gets to my nerve, I say goodbye and hang up the phone.
One thing I always tell myself, is to better for my children when it is MY TURN to get old, and frail and needy. This line of thinking seems to make me feel good about the decisions I make now for myself, and for my mom.
How old is your mother?
Other than arthritis, what other medical problems does your mother have.
Has your mother ever worked outside of the home or have you and your husband been supporting her financially for the last 27 years of marriage?
I gather that since you are 46 and you have been married 27 years that you must have gotten married when you were 19. Why did she come to live with you in the early years of your marriage when you and your husband were so young? What happened to her husband, your dad?
Why have you been her all for all of her life? I'm sure that has bred a lot of dependency?
How have you been able to have any life with your mom right there from the very start of your marriage? Frankly, as a husband, that would have really gotten on my nerves. There is such a thing as leaving and cleaving.
Yes, you deserve to have your own life as a Christian and as a fellow human being. You need some emotional boundaries with your mom and time away from her. Can she not be left alone at all?
Narcissists use other people as tools and only when some kind of emotional transaction will come out in their favor. E.g., more of your attention, more of your time. This is how you can tell a narcissist has "let you in" - when they stop behaving and start taking advantage in a most selfish and demanding way.
Set your priorities for your own life and live them.
My own NPD mother comes after my family. Part of prioritizing my family is also prioritizing my job obligations. No work, no pay, no food.
No, she doesn't like it, to which I say "Tough cookies lady."
The priorities for my mom in her old age and dementia are her safety and well being. Not happiness. Not contentment. Not being entertained. She is in a nice-enough place that keeps her safe from herself and the world, feeds her, cleans her, dresses her, sees to her every medical need, and tries to keep her in activities that are good for her mind. I have no guilt about this situation.
When I go visit, which is not as often as I wish, because she can't stand me. I get called all kinds of names, blamed for everything wrong in her life, and it gets her very agitated. But when I am there, I can see that she is well cared for. According to her though, it's a h*ll hole and everybody is trying to kill her. She has some real doozy stories.
Narcissism and dementia together in one person, plus other medical and psychiatric problems make for a really devastating and destructive cocktail. It affects everyone that person ever meets in one way or another.
My goal was to get out alive and have a peaceful home with my own family and break this curse on the family.
I am surprised to hear that your husband treats your mom better than he treats her. That is odd. What's going on there?
Needy people will drain the life out of you! Has she always been a needy, dependent person or has she just become that way since retiring? It is not healthy for her or for you to continue this emotional dance with your mom of letting her suffocate you with her neediness. Part of the feelings of hopelessness comes from believing that this emotional dance with your mom cannot be stopped. Well, she can't be stopped from trying to continue this dance, but you can stop dancing by establishing some boundaries.
Sounds like you need to do some research online about boundaries and establishing some boundaries with your mom. If I were you I would definitely recent my husband treating my mom better than he does me.
So, let me see if I can recreate some of your history from what you shared. Your mom and dad divorced when you were 2. 17 years later when you became 19, you married your husband. At that same time, your mother was in her 50's, had to retire and thus moved in with you and your husband. She's been with ya'll for 27 years since you were 19 and you are now 46. That tells me doing the math that she was likely in her 30's when you were born, and thus is likely to be in her late 70's now. Well, she could still be living with you for the next 15-20 years depending on how long she lives. Do you want her to continue living in your house or do you want to look into some other possible living arrangements for her? Not all people her age end up living with their adult children. Not all parents live with their adult children from the time they get married at 19 through when their adult child becomes 46 and they are in their 70's.
It is sad that people who have known you your whole life don't even know who you really are. They don't really know you then? Who does know who you really are after being so suffocated by your mother all of these years? Sounds to me that a therapist might help you very much to work on your self-esteem and work on boundaries with your mother.
I think possibly, you may have missed something early in those early days of your marriage with having had such an absorbing, dependent, needy mom right there in the house. I call that early something in the early days, months and years of a marriage, the creating of the marriage identity time in which you define yourselves as a couple unique from everyone and anyone else. That is extremely hard to work on when you don't have the total privacy of a couple alone in their own home. Likewise, it is hard for a young person from their teenage years on up to develop a sense of identity separate from their parents without some privacy that is respected by their parents.
Yes, you need and have my prayers, but you need to let go of your hopelessness by setting up boundaries in order to stop dancing with your mom in this emotional dance of her needy, absorbing, neediness. I with you well in your journey.
When multiple people have been so immersed in each others' problems for this many decades, it is VERY difficult to untangle yourselves without a lot of work.
Nevertheless, time marches on and mom's need level will only increase. Change is coming whether anybody likes it or not.
A little more information would help us respond appropriately.