Just to give some context, I am 63 and he is 65. I am the only child and he might as well be. We've been together for almost 4 years. His parents both have dementia and live in assisted living facility two bedroom apartment that his parents share with him. I live in my own apartment and my parents live in their own condo on their own. Both my boyfriend and I have careers that we love and each of us has a set of adult children that live in the same general area, mine have their own children. My parents, although not exhibiting any signs of cognitive failure, have some physical issues and are starting to get very needy and self-centered, largely also do to the fact that they prefer to isolate, they don't like to eat out or go out even though they're not destitute.
Sometimes I need to run over to save my dad when something negative happens. Now it happens very often when I'm out of town either for work or personal reasons. Sometimes my kids can help and sometimes they cannot. About 3 months ago my dad started demanding that I help him finding assisted living or at home aid which I promptly started doing. After all my efforts, my parents decided that they will remain in their condo until further notice, and they still refuse at home help from outside, their reasoning is that they're still okay and that they don't want strangers in the house. My dad most of the time gets around an Uber but sometimes he drives when he's not supposed to. I stated to my parents and no uncertain terms that I will not move in with them, I will not be able to take care of them helping them, not to mention that we never got along before, when we lived together. My parents are behaving in a very negative way when I'm around, especially my mom, who criticizes and berates me because she feels she has the right to do that . My parents often argue as well, very often went in front of me when I come over, and when I tell them how much it hurts when they do that, they just blow me off. I love my parents very much and would love to help them, but I'm not going to allow them to be manipulative and disrupt to my life, as much as I can.
As far far as my boyfriend, I used to question his decision to move in with his parents but now I don't. I have no right to judge someone in that position, and everyone has their own individual situation that is complicated. From my perspective, we're all going to live longer lives and are doing everything in our power do so, but quality of life is not guaranteed.
What's the point of all this? I'm sure there are many people of our generation in the same situation, especially now that I read all these posts. I don't know how many people here have relationships with another individual who is a caretaker. It is very difficult to maintain such a relationship, neither person is ever a priority but we make each other a priority on weekends, and sometimes on holidays. We both are afraid to take trips longer than a weekend for the fear that something will happen to his parents or mine. But somehow it works for now and we don't want to separate. We are each other's support system and sounding board.
Any of you in a similar situation?
I've met people that choose to live separately from their partner. Different reasons, teens still at home from previous relationship, caregiving, or just wanting (& able to afford) their own space.
Do I smell a whiff of 'mission creep' though? 🤔
Are your parents starting to slide into needing more? Are your partners parents? Do you both WANT to be living/spending much time in an AL with your folks? .. Ahem.. Living an 80 yo lifestyle? (Anyone for Bingo?)
Or footloose & fancy free 60 yo lifestyle, working, travelling, spending time on hobbies?
I think I would have a date night. Just you two. See what plans you can make together ❤️❤️
I do hope the boyfriend has staff helping his parents in AL , and he’s not doing it all . IMO he should move out so his parents don’t expect him there all the time .
Even living with his parents , he should be free to come and go whenever . There is staff there to take care of his parents .
SeriousinFL , please do not allow your parents to manipulate you . My parents would not let anyone in the home either .
A wise social worker told me “ stop helping , let them fail , this is how you get them to accept help from people other than their children “.
You seem both to feel that we will all live longer, that you both wish to be involved in the lives of your parents, and that they are your priority.
You are both grown up enough not to need one another to raise children or to do anything else.
You have both been independent for a good long time and I suspect will remain so during the marriage as well.
I met my current partner at age 47. We decided, having each raised two girls (each), that we wished not to marry but to live together and share our lives. We have kept our finances independent for the most part. We keep our own friends for the most part, and they aren't shared. We both did what we wished to do and what needed doing for our respective parents. For my brother. For our grown children. We shared trips all over Europe. He loved to sale and race and I hated it and didn't do it. I love to garden, hike, walk on the beach looking at rocks. Not his thing and he does other stuff. We have been a great support to one another in any illnesses. But we honestly don't for the most part eat at the same time of day or the same food. We live just as we please.
I think that when you are older you for entirely different relationship. Or are FREE to do so. And that's what we have chosen. You will choose for yourself what you wish to share and what you don't. My partner and I don't share last names. But we have been together for 36 quite contented years now.
Good luck. Decide for yourself. BUT DISCUSS it and make certain you are on more or less the same page.
I hope it continues for you .
My experience was different as we were married a long time and still had teenagers when my parents needed help . It wasn’t easy on the relationship .
My parents are gone . But most recently I was helping my husband look after his father in assisted living for 2 years until he died this past January . This time around we did better maintaining boundaries as a united front to a demanding parent . Our kids were also grown and out of the house .
I think like Alva said , when we are older relationships change ( even if married a long time ) . We are in a different place especially once our own kids are grown .
You have the right idea .
Your lives and relationship matter .
You should not give that up because your parents are old .
Perhaps one thing worth doing is to talk about what it would take for this arrangement to stop being acceptable, to one or both of you. For example, the trigger for facility care for many people is the need to cope with fecal incontinence. For others, it might be inability to get away together for holidays. For you, it might be your parents difficult behaviors that mean your involvement is unpleasant and also stresses the relationship. Working out the triggers could help you to realise the point at which you should re-assess things. That could avoid what sometimes happens – you go past that point, things go wrong before there’s a crisis, and in the meantime the relationship stops being what you want.
First my house is too small, and second, my hubby lives with daily debilitating chronic pain. Anyone in this situation with chronic pain knows how hard it is to get through the day in relative peace and the last thing they want is others seeing it on a daily basis. My mom tends to be a bit negative and a constant worrier and I can't bring that negativity into my home. Hubby is a caretaker at heart and is willing, but I'm not. It's probably selfish of me but I don't want to feel divided between being of help to my mom and my husband. Been there done that and I ended up sick with adrenal fatigue that took me out for 6 months.
I do a lot as it is for her medically, financially, laundry, groceries, cooking, and visit often. Plus she has a caregiver with her during the day. It's just at nights when she is alone that we need to solve for. We'll figure it out so it works best for all of us.
Can you please clarify: is he living with his parents in an AL facility? Is this correct?
If it works, don't change it...I have known two couples that were together for at least 30 yrs. One couple he was divorced and she was a Catholic. In the 60s it was a no no to marry. The other, she was in her 60s he younger. She had cared for a Husband and said she was not doing it again. Both couples had their own homes, traveled together, socialized together, etc. My Uncle, he kept his house she had hers. Again they traveled together, he brought her to family functions, etc. My Uncle having ALZ and her having a son coming home stopped their relationship.
Never heard of the AL situation your BF has. Since he is still working he knows Mom and Dad are cared for when he is not there. He, too, gets his 3 meals and can enjoy the entertainment. When needed, he has aides to help. Laundry and cleaning too. Moms AL, residents could do their own laundry. As long as he and you make time for each other, its a neat situation. You probably see each other more than some married couples.
You...with your parents personalities, you do need strong boundaries. They have options and will not take advantage of them. They would be very happy if you moved in, quit ur job and cared for them. You know in your heart that would never work. Even if you were retired, caring for them will never work. Go with that gut feeling. Someday one of them will be in a hospital and need more care than the other can give. Thats when the AL decision will need to be made. No in home aide, these two will fire them.
" I stated to my parents and no uncertain terms that I will not move in with them, I will not be able to take care of them helping them"
Do not falter. Stick by your guns.