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I understand that asking for advice can be difficult, but more than anything, I just need to vent and possibly gain a different perspective on the situation we are facing at home. I appreciate any feedback or shared experiences.



My father (81, on a wheelchair) has been dealing with dementia-related issues for about 5-7 years. His decline was gradual, initially manifesting as short-term memory loss, and then progressing to forgetting certain past events. Over the last two years, his state worsened considerably. It started with him becoming very sexually aggressive towards my mother (58), demanding sex, wanting to see her naked, making inappropriate sexual comments to my mother, and stating how beautiful she looks, urging her to show him her genitals, etc... This began to take a major toll on my mother, who is his primary caregiver and takes care of him 24/7. This continued and last year he became completely incontinent, so my mother has to change his diapers. Whenever this happens, he begs for sex, not realizing the absurdity of the situation.



This year, my brother, who lives nearby, began working from their home several times a week to support my mother. My father, even during his healthy years, started to get extremely jealous of my brother spending time with my mother and going out for walks. The situation escalated so much that my father is currently absolutely obsessed with my brother, constantly complaining that he stole his wife, reminiscing about their happier times together, etc... Even when my brother is not in the house, he keeps talking about the situation, being paranoid, and accusing my mother of romantically loving my brother. He has days where he doesn't even sleep and aggressively yells at my mother during the night, stating that she left him, and that it's against the law to marry your own son, etc...
My brother and I are doing our best to support both of them and visit as much as possible, but my father refuses and I suppose can't even understand the irrationality of the situation. My mother (a nurse) refuses to place my dad in a pensioner's facility and I just don't know what to do anymore. I live far away and can only visit them once a month for a few days. My brother is seen as the enemy, which doesn’t help the situation. We have scheduled a visit to a psychiatrist next week, although I suspect the primary solution offered will be medication.



I would appreciate any suggestions or your opinion on the matter. Thank you.

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Follow up note- if your mom does decide to move your dad to a care environment, be sure they are licensed in your state to give all the medications that might be needed right up until he passes. Not every care home in my state has such a license. Some of the necessary medications are heavily regulated, so you'd want to be sure someone didn't have to sign your dad out to take him to a physician's office periodically. Also, make sure they don't require taking a resident completely off (behavior modifying) medications periodically to make sure they still need them. That was a barbaric requirement, completely thoughtless for those with dementia, and I hope they've done away with that. I did not experience the medication breaks, but I have a friend who had to fight these rules for her mom with dementia about 15 years earlier.
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Hunduk, such a heart breaking situation, but not uncommon. I was shocked when my dad with dementia first asked to speak with me alone and then accused me of having an affair with my husband (who was my only helper until we moved dad to MC). Sounds like you and your mom already know not to try to reason with your dad. My concern is your dad remains focused on your brother even when he's not there and also that your dad is becoming aggressive. If your mom won't move your dad to some type of care environment (ideally memory care), I'm worried about her safety. Bless her bones, I'm sure she is focusing on the parts of his persona that are still kind and familiar. As you know, aggression and even violence can be part of advanced dementia, even in people who were sweet and gentle their whole life. There aren't any great options when this starts to occur. It only gets worse. Remind her he could hurt himself, as well. I hope the psychiatrist can persuade her to move him to memory care, where he could receive more of the care that he needs, which might include medication, and 24/7 supervision for someone who doesn't sleep. I hope you will circle back and give us some follow up. Best of luck to you and your mom.
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No advice, but I hope your mother sees the light and starts to consider placement. She's so young to be in this position. And I know it's not easy on you and your brother, either, though of course she's getting the worst of it.

Maybe a doctor can talk her into it. Try to make sure the doctors have the full story so they can advise her appropriately.
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Hunduk Oct 2023
Thank you for your kind words. We certainly hope for the best, but she's quite stubborn. She accepted the responsibility of caring for her older husband, intending to stand by him until the end. The thought of giving up haunts her, and despite being devastated by the current circumstances, we've been unable to persuade her to consider other options.

Another layer to this situation is the lifestyle choice encouraged by my father. He wanted her to be a stay-at-home mom and once we became independent, his health began to decline, essentially leaving her trapped in a new role of taking care of him instead of us.
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With dementia, this is called Inappropriate Sexual Behavior or ISB and IS treated with medication. I simply cannot imagine your mother being agreeable to living with this situation and refusing to place your father! What if he becomes violent? Thats very common with this level of dementia too, especially when paranoia has set in and dad thinks your brother is the enemy. Medication is the bare minimum here.......if that doesn't work, placement is a necessity for moms safety.

Good luck to you.
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Your Dad needs to be placed. This is too much for one person to handle, even a nurse. Whats Mom going to do when he gets violent. I think brother should stay away. Help Mom from a distance. Him being there just agitates Dad. Maybe out of sight, out of mind.

It is normal for someone suffering from Dementia to think their spouse is cheating on them. They can also be stronger than you think. The first time he becomes very aggressive about sex or hits Mom, its time for a care home.
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Medication is certainly worth a try.
Given that your mother will not consider placement, this is something all must simply "live with". There aren't really any other choices. I am so sorry.
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Hunduk Oct 2023
We administer diazepam to him when he just won't calm down, but after he takes a nap or has a moment of calm, he's back at it. He calls me several times, questioning the situation, wondering why my mom loves my brother, reminiscing about their happy marriage. Honestly, I am mainly concerned for my mother, who is managing everything and is now faced with these never-ending confrontations with him. Thank you for the support <3.
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