How to handle social outings with my dear mom?
My anxiety is building and I'm looking for guidance from the good people on this forum. My mom is 80 with early AD still living at home with my dad. She wants to do two things socially in the upcoming months. Bless her, she has always been social and lucky to have many friends, however I am worried for how my mom will be perceived or talked about as well as that I want to give her a stress free situation. The 2 events are very different. The first one is a memorial service for her best friend. I believe it will be well attended with people who haven't seen mom in while. Second is that she wants to have a luncheon at a restaurant for her own 80th birthday inviting 20 of her friends who still talk and visit her regularly. (Bless her. If she wants it, I'm going to do this for her. I'm planning to send invitations and do all the planning as well as help her that day with make up, etc.) Selfishly, I wish neither of these events was happening because my anxiety is through the roof. However, I am happy mom is still interested and I'm going to do what I can to give her a good day at each event. What is the best I can do to handle these situations - or, would you try to disengage from such events? Thanks for any replies.
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Are you worried about how people will react to mom’s dementia? If she is still interacting with all these people her dementia must be pretty mild. Most folks quickly recognize that elder friends are changing. I used to be on edge with other people around my dad as his dementia worsened. I Thought I had to explain to them that Dad was different now. No short term memory. I learned to just let things run their course. I might get an alarmed look once in awhile or have a talk away from Dad if people ask but it was no big deal.
But this all sounds like some doings. Can you scale things back a little?
Give people credit for being understanding about your mom’s issues. Stay close by at these occasions, but don’t hover and wait for her to slip up and then jump in to correct or explain or God forbid, apologize in front of her for her miscue. Even if acquaintances haven’t seen her for a while, they will realize that there are some issues and will be kind to her. I’m sure that for both occasions, she will be on her best and brightest behavior. Don’t anticipate failures or embarrassments and stress yourself out over it for weeks beforehand. Mom will get the idea you’re not really on-board with the idea of her socializing because, perhaps, you’re afraid she will embarrass you (?) and turn inward. That’s the last thing you want her to do.
Encourage her wish to socialize as long as she possibly can. Spending time with friends and acquaintances can delay the inevitable.
You say your mom is in early Alzheimer's. Does she know about her diagnosis? If so, how did she take it?
A lot of people in the early stages are in denial. They can't see the slipping memory or the slight confusion that others see.
At this point she's still social, so I'd indulge her in her plans. I know you want to protect her from questioning looks or difficult conversations but I'm not sure the people she knows wouldn't catch on after a little visit. Most people are very understanding.
In the mid stages of Alzheimer's, I physically got behind my mom and would mouthe "dementia" at someone who didn't understand her ramblings.
I don't think your mom is there yet. Early on they can "fake it" pretty well. Chit chat comes easy. It's the details that trip them up. Usually they play it by ear. They learn to take cues from the conversation then blame their forgetfulness on a "senior moment".
She may embarrass herself or you but you can quickly "redirect" the conversation to something else. In fact, it might be good to be prepared with a few "distraction topics" so you're not caught off guard.
You are anticipating the worst. You both can't truly enjoy yourselves that way.
The friends and family members are going to find out that mom's got a problem. Not the end of the world. Most folks are pretty sympathetic.
I don't think she'll do anything so horrible to greatly embarrass herself or you. (That comes later ☹️)
Pray, meditate or have a glass of wine before you go. Then relax and have a good time. Let her shine.
Sorry to say, all too soon these times will be gone.
As time passes, her ability to handle groups will diminish. These events can be very special. And, as guests understand her limitations and (hopefully) ask how they can help --- be ready to suggest visits at your Mom's place to help her pass the time. Let us know how it goes.
But I will help her do what she wants as long as she wants to, and ignore my own issues of discomfort.
It's part of this sacrificial love. May God bless you for loving her.
As she progressed we had to drop some activities...like the movies when they no longer made sense and were a bit frightening. But other things remained as long as we could, like family parties...we just moved them here so she could be a part for a bit and then she and I would go to her room when she had enough. Just learn to read your mom's cues and only do as much as she can handle.
While it was hard on me, I'm so glad I did all I did for her.
I think it is wonderful of you to have a special get together for your Mother's Birthday and you will always cherish the memories you make that day.Just play it by ear and do the best you can and good luck with everything.
As far as how people perceive your Mom, as many have already said, if they truly are your Mom's friends they will accept the changes and if they are around the same age maybe they will recognize the changes as something they have started noticing in themselves and therefore if anything I think that would make them feel less alone seeing that.
I'm now planning my mom's 85th birthday which we'll have in the garden room at her Memory Care facility. The guest list of 12 is family only and that said -- only the most understanding family members. At this point it's all about mom. What she can manage socially - 2 hours of activity - and finger foods. No need to bother with clothing protectors and utensils!
The worst part will be if she can't remember their names so if you stay close address them by name as they approach her so that she hears the name & ones you don't know put your hand & say 'hi, I'm Joan, Mary's daughter' & the other person should say their name for you both
When my mom was at moderate to severe level of dementia an audiologist told me that even pre-warned it took him just over 5 minutes to be able to truly see it in her behavior & that was 1 on 1 - so your mom may not show it in a group setting & if she did what harm is really done
Actually if she holds it together enough then when a friend later visits they may think she has really slipped since these times because she most likely will 'showboat' - take a little time to check out Teepa Snow who should be called the dementia whisperer - she has many 4 to 8 minute videos that are a gold mine of information & hints to help both you her
That said, I understand all your anxiety about the upcoming events. (That sh*t wasn’t my cup of tea back when everyone had all their buttons!) Embrace the excellent advice the past 20 people and “just do it.”
At both the memorial luncheon and the b-day party, definitely keep a close and understanding friend/relative by Mom’s side — to tactfully help ID people and redirect any conversations that deteriorate.
To get yourself through the day, take deep breaths and keep smiling.
Don’t be surprised if mom is especially wiped out toward the end. Or plays the role all day, but turns into Godzilla during the ride home. Or as soon as she sets foot in her own house. It’s not anything you can prevent. It’s just the nature of this cruel disease.
Human nature can be a b*tch, too. Don’t fret that you’ll have to shadow-puppet Mom at these events year after year after year. As Mom worsens, people will pull away. 🙁
Also - Mom’s peers will gradually (or not so gradually) die off.
And Mom herself will probably become more anti-social as the Alz takes over.
For the here and now, good luck and big hugs. You are an awesome daughter!
Please enjoy all the activities with your mom and not be bothered about what other people think or say as long as the right thing is getting done.
My best wishes to you and your mom.
The occasions are different. At a memorial service, there are likely to be lots of short interactions. Sitting on a walker or wheelchair, changes the interactions because other people don’t bend down to talk for more than a minute or two. If she is seated, or even using a stick, it puts everyone on notice that her condition has changed a lot. You can stay with her and help with introductions if she can’t remember people or names. At the lunch, the long interactions will be with the people seated on each side of her – probably you on one side and a good understanding friend on the other. As the meal ends and people move around, go back to the same procedures as for the memorial service. Explain if you really need to – ie if someone is really puzzled or concerned – but have some faith in other people’s ability to appreciate the reality of getting old. It is life, not an embarrassment for you or for her. Let her and yourself enjoy the occasions as much as you can.
Love from me and from everyone who is envying you and her the chance for such a great time.
Btw, my late mother's neighbor had a 100th birthday, which my husband, mother and I attended. Everyone at the party certainly knew it was for a gentleman who had reached 100 YEARS OF AGE and no one acted inappropriately.
I would see the memorial as a given if this was her best friend. She needs to grieve and have closure. There should be no issue during the memorial service, and if there is a gathering afterwards, again you can be there to support her and be a buffer of sorts.
As for the birthday party - by all means do this! It is wonderful that she WANTS to do it. You say that the friends she wishes to invite still talk and visit with her regularly, so it is not like they are unaware, right? Do it up big!! I prepared a "surprise" birthday last year for our mother in the MC unit. We took her out to eat, but I dropped off the cake, ice cream, flowers, plates, cups, etc at the front desk and requested they set it up for our return. Although it went well, she doesn't like so much being the center of attention and/or be reminded that she is older (was 94 then.) However, your mom WANTS this, so GO FOR IT!!!
I had zero expectations for it. Just took her to the park where it was held. Got her settled in her wheelchair and let her be. I took a walk up the stream in the park with a book and a Diet Coke. I could see her the whole time.
It was sad/fun/interesting. She looked every second of her age, as did MOST of the attendees--yet there was one lady who jumped onto the table and led the school fight song. And yes, she was 86!! Sprightly gal, for sure!
The attendees ranged from people who didn't know who they were or where they were to this lady who was boundlessly energetic and fun. Mother fell more towards the "slumped over and old". I took a few pics with her and some friends, but when she saw them she asked "Is that what I look like" to which I answered, well, yes, it's a PHOTO. She asked I delete them, and I did. She was depressed by the fact so few people there were her "crowd".
Sadly, instead of an "In memorium" poster, they had a "Who is still with us?" poster. Her class is about 80% gone now.
We left pretty early on. It was not what mother had planned, I guess she thought people would fawn over her and most of her oldest and dearest friends have died years ago.
I know it's hard for mother to go to family things, as we do take pictures and such, and she is bent over into a C curve and cannot stand up straight, no matter what we do (she refused PT after back surgery, and this is the outcome). Seeing herself getting so old and not an "attractive" old is very hard. She doesn't own a full length mirror, so she doesn't "see" herself.
We still take her to any family gathering she wishes to go to. It's hard, she wants to be the Grand Matriarch--like her mother was, but she isn't treated as such.
The things we do for her are generally very small and held at the home (brother's) where she lives.
We make sure she gets invites to all family things, whether she'll go or not is up to her. She insists on being in the wheelchair, when she can walk fine with the walker, but she likes the "show" of the wheelchair". It does limit her a LOT, she gets put somewhere and that's where she has to stay for the duration.
IMHO, whenever she goes where there are also people of her generation, nobody is judging--at least out loud. They are always kind to her, and it's never been a problem. I may hear later from someone that they were shocked to see how bad she looks, but nobody says anything unkind to her face.
I have VERY low expectations when I take her to social functions. Expect the worst, enjoy it if it goes well. That's about the best we can hope for.