I am 37. My husband is 61. He had to have a hip replacement two years ago. It went wrong and he is in a wheelchair. Before that, he had stage IIIB lung cancer. He got chemo. Proton therapy, and immunotherapy, and he has been in remission. He needs help transferring and I have been doing that. He was bedridden for over two months waiting for hip surgery. His daughter was helping, but she was an alcholic. I admit I said many nasty things, had a mental breakdown, and attempted suicide. He now has had a bout of pneumonia and I am trying to get him to move around. I was deepLS embarrasses because he could not get up to use the toilet and pooped in his chair and wheelchair. I was upset that the poo was everywhere and we had to have the fire dept help. I told him I cannot physically lift him all by myself.
He is saying he will get rid of my dogs, that I am a b***h, and ungrateful. I cannot drive because Inhave Asperger’s. He drives me to work. His daughter died in Oct of alcoholism so no one is left to help. His other family wants nothing to do with it. He mocks my Asperger meltdowns as “temper tantrums.” I told him he has a right to be angry but not to take it out on me.
You married a man old enough to be your father. And he treats you like a child.
You say you can't drive and can't manage your emotions because of Asperger's. Nope. You aren't helpless or intellectually deficient. Asperger's is definitely real, but you aren't disabled. You could get out of this situation; you've just decided you can't. Just like he treats you like a child and not like a wife, you're seeing him as a father and not a husband.
If he is threatening to harm your dogs... call the cops. And get yourself and your dogs out of there. I know it's sometimes hard to find shelters and such that will accept pets. Call your local humane society or an animal rescue organization and ask them if they know a place. He doesn't love you if he's threatening your dogs. How can you feel safe in the home with this abusive monster?!
If he hates you and your dogs so much, then he can find someone else to take his abuse. Don't feel sorry for him. Or yourself. Get your dogs and GET OUT OF THERE.
And like 97yroldmom asked does he just sit in the car all day waiting for you to be done, or if he goes back home who helps him get out of the car and back in the house and then back out of the house and into the car to come get you?
Something doesn't make much sense here.
But bottom line, no one EVER should put up with any kind of abuse. PERIOD.
So it's time to be getting "your ducks in a row" so you can make your exit with your dogs.
And quit using your Asperger's as an excuse. You need to quit being the victim and start being a victor in your own life. Only you can make the changes necessary to improve your life and I hope that you will start today.
She's also right about you stop playing the victim and using your Asberger's as an excuse for why you can't get yourself and your dogs out. That's ridiculous and no one feels sorry for you. So grow up and take some control and responsibility for your own life instead of blaming your husband for everything wrong in it.
Also, no matter how much you think you're going through, your husband has had it harder.
No one has to live in abuse though. When he makes fun of you and starts getting abusive tell him to go f--- himself and walk away. He's in a wheelchair, really what's he going to do?
Does your house have an upstairs? If it does then start staying up there until you find another living arrangement. Keep your dogs up there with you too.
Find another way to work. You get a paycheck. Take the bus. Take an Uber. Take a walk. Years back a job I had required two buses, a ferry ride and about a mile walk each way, every day. So really, where there's a will there's a way. Get it together.
You and your dogs deserve to live a peaceful and content life. So go get one of those for yourself and them. No one is going to do it for you. No one has to live in abuse. If your old man can;t clean up hes act visit a divorce lawyer and find out what you can do.
You could find someone else to drive you to work or take a Uber. You could keep all the money you earn for the household and use it to support yourself. You could be in your own place with your dogs and have a happier life.
Start saving your money, looking for a place to go, and stay away from this monster. Carve out your own place in your house and remove yourself to it as much as possible. Do you have an extra bedroom? Attic space? Basement? Impose a separation on your marriage while you plan quietly to be on your own. You can do it.
If he lays one hand on your dogs or on you, call the police and file a complaint. That might solve a lot of problems.
Best of luck to you in leaving this mess behind.
He drives you to work.
Does he stay in the car until you finish work?
Please come back on this forum and let us know if your situation has improved.
It takes two to argue. You might want to look up "going grey rock" as it is one method of avoiding a lot of conflict; you simply respond as a grey rock might. You are saying that you yourself have said cruel things, and have had meltdowns, and have had suicide threats and perhaps attempts. This must be a nightmare for someone wheelchair bound as much as his threats against the dogs is a worry to you.
I think that Burnt has one excellent idea for you, and that is that you move upstairs. Have an intercom for communication (baby monitors work) so hubby can call for help with his transfers. He needs to become more adept at them, as sounds like he will need them to avoid long term care placement. Eventually, operating alone, your back with "give".
With you more or less living upstairs with the dogs, and him downstairs, a whole lot of opportunity for argument is gone.
We here really aren't marriage counselors, and this sounds to me not really a matter of caregiving so much as of a tortured marital relationship. Were it caregiving alone I could recommend you move and he manage on his own or get placement. That may be the only answer ultimately in any case.
To bring animals or children into tortured relationships is to me cruel to the animals and children. As the animals pass I would caution you not to replace them.
As someone with Asperger's I hope you can find a support group. I think that would help in many ways. Ask your MD about ways to find that or google groups in your area, even on Facebook.