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So to provide a little bit of background here, I have one sister and she is 15 years older than me. She lives two states away from my mother and I. At one time, her and my mother had a very good relationship and were very close. But for the past ten years or so, that relationship has deteriorated. However, it has gotten especially worse this past year. Her and my mom have talked on the phone maybe 3 times since Christmas and just the other day, my sister sent my mom a very nasty text. We don't really know why my sister is acting like this towards my mom, other than that she just likes to blame all her problems (and she has a lot of them) on mom. My mom was not and is not perfect, but she does not deserve this.


This estrangement has really really taken a toll on my mother. She has become very needy of me. I just got promoted back in January and I now have to drive 28 miles to and from work everyday. I am really getting sick of the drive and I really want to move closer to my job and I have been looking at apartments in the area where I work. I found a couple of them in my price range that are about 20-25 minutes from my mom's house. (Right now I live 10 minutes away from her, always have). Anyways, she desperately does not want me to move that far away from her and has even offered to take me to and from work two days a week AND give me gas money if I stay where I'm at. I haven't been able to make a decision yet on if I do move, but if I do, then I will feel incredibly guilty about it, and if I don't, then the biggest reason why will be for her. What do you guys think?

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I’m not sure what your sister has to do with where you live. Your mom sounds a bit dependent. Perhaps it’s time for her to look for an assisted living facility, especially if she has dementia. Having said that, I can’t imagine moving for a 10 or 15 min diff in a commute. It’s all relative I suppose.
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If she's in independent living she needs to live independently. How often do you visit her? If it's as much as once a day you need to cut back. You can't be her sole form of entertainment. She will only get more and more needy as time goes by, so set those boundaries now and stick with them.
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I think that you need to live where you are content. Help mom look into an independent or assisted living facility. Would she consider moving close to the apartment that you choose?

You are not responsible for your sister’s actions. I am so sorry that your mom is being blamed for your sister’s troubles.
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Mom has a Dementia and she is still driving. Things will get worse. Then instead being 1O min away you be twice that far away. I have drivin 25 minutes to work and its long when you need to get home in a hurry. I'd say take the job but wait to see how things go with Moms Dementia before moving farther away. She may be getting needy because of the Dementia.
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Guilt is the wrong G work. Try to switch it to "grief" and let the guilt belong to felons who do evil and deserve it.
You are grieving that you cannot do it all. You are exhausted from job, Mom and long drives.
Your Sister really doesn't figure in this to tell you the truth. She is out of the picture.
I don't think she is the reason for your Mom's becoming more dependent. Your Mom is quite simply getting more and more aged and dependent. It is a natural progression. And you may be enabling her neediness by acquiescing to her wishes. You have your own life. If your being 25 minutes away isn't good enough Mom should consider a move to LTC where she will be around others, and not so frightened to be alone. This will eventually come to us all.
You do not mention that Mom has any limitations physically or mentally at this time, so I am assuming, unless you inform us differently that she doesn't. Don't encourage or enable her dependence or her needing you before she has real needs.
I sure wish you the best. Let your Sis go on her merry way. We can't change others.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2021
Profile mentions Alz/dementia and depression...
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You are being torn between the reasonable desire to shorten your commute and the unreasonable feeling to be everything to your mom. You can’t have both and something has to give. Your mom needs to accept that you are only 15 minutes further away. I don’t see why she is making such a big deal over that. Truly it makes no sense other than she wants to have control over what you do and fears she is losing that.
your bio states your mom lives in IL with some cognitive decline. This may be affecting her neediness. I would go ahead and move. Traffic commutes can be terribly wearing, use more fuel, more chance of an accident etc. since you work you obviously can’t see her that often. Set a schedule of visits if you must. Meet her for dinner at her IL once a week or take her out for a meal. But don’t work your entire existence around your mom's need to control. She will get over it and adapt. What other choice does she have?
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you have options but the emotion is making it complicated.....I understand and totally get it. My mom became very needy and even though her dementia wasn’t debilitating, it was also somewhat manipulative at times. My husband and I were living with mom and prayers to God for the best plan for mom and us were the only way we found peace and the best answer. Mom choose an assisted living which she could afford. I researched using which showed me prices and then I called and set up appointments all on 1 day. She chose the 1 bedroom (Atria Senior Living). It was a trial stay and after 2 months she began to call it her condo and now at 7 months she is content. I feel so relieved that she is safe, her meds are administered (because she cannot be trusted to remember), she had delicious meals, events, hair done every week and is checked medically monthly. I take her only to the dentist and eye doctor. We live close by and our relationship is good. I got a echo show from Alexa Amazon so I can drop in. Mom has good and not so good days but her independence and comfort is wonderful. I would suggest making a list of pro/con and pray over it until you get peace. God prepared mom’s heart because she was stubborn and scared and difficult. God prepared our hearts because we didn’t want to do anything that was not the best plan and to find a place for mom that is a win/win. Prayers for you as you seek God’s will. It is a good place to be.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2021
Wish the "transition" was that easy for everyone! Despite the potential doom and gloom, the move seemed to go seamlessly AND she liked being there! As for good and bad days... we all have those, don't we? ;-)
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I totally understand where your Mom is coming from, however understanding and agreeing are two very different things. In my opinion I think there are a few options. 1. You take the job and move. 2. You take the Job and both you and she move. (not necessarily together but close by.) 3. You don't take the job and regret it and resent her for years. No matter what happens you can not stop your life. You need to move forward in way that is comfortable for you. Also you might take her on a 25 minute drive to see how close that really is.
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Maybe you and your mom can look for places that are nearby your new job. If that doesn't work. Maybe reconsider the drive as a positive. I used to work 21 miles from home and I used the drive as a buffer between work and home life. But if you hate driving that may not be for you.
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Over time your mom will come to peace with this. Support her by listening and once you have fully listened, distract her and redirect toward something more positive.

I have a sister just like yours. She did not talk to my parents for about 4 years. Mom wept many times. Mom told everyone about this painful relationship. She was denied precious time with grandchildren. It was worse than a death because it was intentional. My sister wrote my parents unbelievably cruel and hateful letters during that time.

My mistake was trying to help them reconcile. (I was close to my sister - my mom used to warn me that being close to her would hurt me in the long run). There are places in the world where peace can just never be truly accomplished and it would have been better to accept that this was one of them.

My attempts at bringing them together just brought mom more distress and pain. It eventually brought me pain too, as mom correctly predicted.

Mom chose to write my sister out of her will. As Mom’s executor, I was vigorously sued. (I believe my mom did the right thing and I fully support that she made this choice).

My sister came forward, claiming to have been blindsided because she had a perfectly fine relationship with Mom.

Thank goodness mom told so many people and kept those spiteful letters. Any lawsuit, no matter how clear the facts, is expensive and emotionally rough.

Be there for your mom. Write your sister off. My prediction is that some day, when your mom is gone, this anger and hate will be focused on you like it was on me. Get yourself outside her range.

I used to be aggravated listening to Mom grieve over her relationship with my sister. My children are aggravated because they have heard me do the same. Now I know that mom was 100% right.
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2 issues are really at work here.

1 - Your work situation. You will need a retirement to meet your own needs when you are older. So, you need to what works to help you meet that goal. This appears to include a move closer to work. Do it.

2 - Your mom's needs. Yes, family squabbles do happen. People get their feelings hurt. Some people - most likely your sister - have mental health issues that go unresolved. Your mom seems to need you a lot emotionally. Are you with her every day, several times a day....? When you are with her, what do you do to help her: hygiene, toileting, assist with walking or moving...? If so, then it is probably time to get more people involved: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help. You could always move your mother closer to you when you find an apartment.

3 - Your sister. The only way you can keep your sister from being "nasty" is to cut off communication. If you and your mom can handle her disagreeableness by staying objective, then you may be able to keep some lines of communication open. Don't expect your sister to change. I suggest reading any of the books about "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud to help with devising your plan for dealing with your sister's behavior.
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You have to take care of your own needs as a single person who has to earn a living and provide for your future. If your mother wants to be near you, can she move to a place closer to you? You don't mention how much care your mother needs at this point. And she may need more care later in her life. Have you had the discussion with her about how she'd want to live if she is unable to care for herself? There are 2 basic options: aides who will care for her in her home, or moving to an assisted living facility. Be sure all of her paperwork is in order. She needs to set up power of attorney for medical and financial matters, and many banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. She needs a will if she has assets (such as a home, car, etc., especially because you have a sibling). She needs a living will with her medical directives if she is not able to care for herself. You need to know her basic wishes about how she wants to live. Right now, you are the one who may have to guide her through all of this if she doesn't have this set up. She'll need an attorney if there are assets. Be honest with her about your job responsibilities and how much time you'll be able to dedicate to her.
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Do what's Best for you, being
15 minutes extra away is nothing and if she offered to drive you 2 days a week then she must be in pretty good shape mentally and physically.

You need look out for yourself because no one else will


Also whatever you decide the extra 15 minutes fir you to drive isn't a big goal either
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Try to break it down for her - you would only be adding another 10 minutes or so to your drive. Since she has offered to drive you, she is doing ok. 10 minutes more is not huge. Probably just the part about a 'change' that is hard for her.

I get it about driving 28 miles to work. Was not my thing either. Make the move. You can always move back if mom needs more help - to original location. Or you could live with mom and save all that rent money.
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I do understand your situation with your sister. My brother also has many issues. He has mental health issues, is not good at handling money and never takes responsibility. He too blames our parents and myself for all his woes. When he was back in the area while dad was dying, mom and I were quite concerned; I believe he would have been helped by self-commitment. No I never told him that. As much as it hurts my mother, she understands his limitations. Since dad's celebration of life, my brother has not contacted me; he also suddenly left and moved back to the area he was previously living. I've texted him a couple of times to let him know when mom's facility went into lockdown - I hate calling him, because he either wants to rehash old hurts or wants to talk for hours. I too understand his limitations and just leave it up to him.

As for you, you do what you have to do. It's not like your moving hundreds of miles away. I'm retired and live about 25 minutes away from mom. I've been planning to move her closer to me, now that dad has died. But even 25 minutes away, you can see her daily if needed.

You really don't need to visit you mother daily - even moving my mother 3 minutes away I don't plan on visiting her on average more than once a week. I expect my mother to live her own life.

While you should be there for your mother - it should be as needed - not every day. She should be self-reliant to some point - if she isn't or can't, them maybe it is time for her to move to AL or MC. I know with COIVD it's been hard but she needs friends her age and should be participating in different activities she has where she lives.

Good luck.
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Imho, since your mother has dementia, she should NOT be operating a motor vehicle at all. YOU have to make the best choice for yourself.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2021
There's no mention in the post that the mother has dementia or that driving has become unsafe for her to do.
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I don't know what the problem is with the sister. The fact is - the good relationship is gone, your sister may have valid points but is blaming it all on your mother - who knows without facts? I would suggest to your sister to just keep out of the picture as it upsets your mother - I doubt it will become nice again. And as to you "being bought" to stay right handy and take care of your mother when you have a good life and a future will kill you. Love your mother and share the relationship but I think it is time where she is placed to be cared for. YOU can't do it ALL and don't count on your sister for anything. It is time you think of YOU because this is YOUR time to live YOUR life.
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In my world 20 - 25 minutes away is still practically next door, almost everyone I know commutes at least that much to and from work. My life plan is to reevaluate my needs at age 75 and begin to make any changes necessary for the next phase of my life (maybe moving closer to family or to a larger urban centre), perhaps it's time for your mother to do the same.
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Move closer to your job. Maybe your mother would relocate herself to an apartment or senior community nearer to your job?
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You should definitely move closer to work. Maybe your mother would be willing to relocate to a senior community nearer to your job.
If mom was in a senior living community she would likely be less needy. Being with other people, being active, and going places has been known to reduce neediness.
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Sister should just be left out of the equation and blocked as much as possible from mom's phone, apps, whatever. If you can tolerate getting and deleting her garbage, leave text open, just so there's a way to contact someone in an emergency (not that you'd be in a position to do anything, just a point of contact.)

While others do the commute and many drive much longer, I'm in favor of cutting that if you can! There's nothing worse than wasting an hour or so every day breathing in fumes... That hour could be put to better use elsewhere. 20-25 minutes from mom's place isn't too bad.

So, is mom's place a house, an apartment, some kind of IL? Your profile mentions dementia. If she has dementia, she may be nearing that time when driving should be off the table. I certainly wouldn't want to see her driving you to/from work twice/week! While she may seem fine with tasks, including driving, that could change in an instant!

There should be plans made for her future, if they haven't been done yet (will, POAs, etc and management of any assets so they don't get wasted/given away.) It would be a good time to consider having her move as well, to an AL that is closer to where you'd live and work. Have a good discussion with her about moving to AL (they will clean, do laundry, etc if you want, freeing up your time to do fun stuff!) When suggesting the legal paperwork, get your own done at the same time - if you do it, then it's normal, not just old person tasks! Usually AL includes a kitchenette, so she can still prepare her own meals if she wants, or she can eat in the dining area. Most places have transport to local shops, etc and many have in house hairdressers, etc. It's like having an apartment with perks. She wants to be closer to you, so this move would accomplish that AND allow you that freed up commute time as well (but... your free time should NOT all be devoted to mom. encourage her to mingle with others, make friends, etc and enjoy life more! She's really not that old. My parents were still snow-birding to FL for the winter, going on cruises, etc. at her age. Dad passed about age 83... mom continued on by herself until dementia came along, early 90s. She had her friends, places to go, lunches at the Sr Center, etc.

If she won't move, be wary about the driving and dementia. I would probably set up a standing "date" with her on the weekend to get groceries and supplies. Maybe once/week have a joint dinner together, just so she doesn't feel abandoned (no, you AREN'T abandoning her, but she may feel like you are!) Once in a while, go on a joint excursion together, to something you both enjoy (or something she really likes even if you don't, to make her feel good!)

I would definitely make the move, but reassure mom you are there for her, just a little further away, but safer yourself from dangers on the road every day. See if she'd consider moving too. And block your sister's access to mom. Mom doesn't need her nasty crap!
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Well, I would do the math! In the morning, you have a time schedule to keep! After work, you can hit mom's house without fear of losing your job, so that's something to really consider! I like living in the sticks, so along with that comes the realization that I am going to have to drive a lot more once I move! Question- between your salary and mom's money, would it be a good idea to get a place that has a mother in law apartment/place attached to it? Just a thought!
Another question- it seems like you are your mom's primary care taker of sorts! For the sake of your mom's emotional well being and for legal reasons, if you don't already have ownership of mom's phone, should you get a phone in your name for her and utilize an app that allows you to read the texts she gets! It sounds like your sister could be rather verbally abusive! Just wanted to put some thoughts out there for you! Good luck and God bless!
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