My parents (78 year-old dad and 72 year-old mom) have each struggled with mental health challenges for the last few years. My dad has mild cognitive impairment that mostly manifests as speech challenges. My mom has depression and anxiety that she has never committed to treating long term with therapy or medication, and her condition makes it tough for her to be a participant in important family decisions or to take steps to help herself.
This has caused a lot of conflict and stress for them, which my sister and I have been privy to; because both our parents’ instinct when they’re in a conflict is to reach out to us and vent. It got exhausting enough that we had to start enforcing firmer boundaries. Still, for quite a while, they were managing to squeak by. But back in March, my dad had a bad fall that required surgery and physical rehab. During this time, my mom refused to hire in-home help or consider respite care, and now things have gotten quite bad between them.
My sister and I are at our wits’ end in figuring out how to support them without losing our minds or cutting them off entirely until the next crisis happens. We have tried to step back to some degree but the conflicts arising between them and the frustrated phone calls (which we answer, worried that it could be a crisis moment) are getting frequent enough that an intervention of some kind feels necessary now. And what we’re trying to figure out here is what that intervention could look like.
The big issues, as we see them, are:
- Dad can’t live independently at the moment as his recovery continues, and he needs a respite from my mom.
- Mom is burnt out but she turns down every opportunity for respite and hired help due to her own untreated mental health ailments. (She comes up with reasons why something won’t work whenever my sister and I suggest it.)
- My sister and I can’t become full-time caregivers without risking our careers and relationships right now.
I’m aware of the possibility that this could very well be the beginning of a new chapter for our family. We have established powers of attorney and health care proxy directives, and while this might be premature to say, I am bracing myself for the possibility that they might need to be invoked in the future.
Maybe when once your Mom is alone she will be more amenable to taking meds so that her PoA agent doesn't start to make decisions for her. You have to be creative and figure out where there is any leverage to coral her into doing things that are in her best interests.
Since you have POA and your dad needs respite from your mom, I suggest moving him into a facility that is suitable for his level of need. Some will allow a trial period of up to three months, sometimes in one-month increments. (For example, Sunrise has "The Road Home" program.") It sounds like you've done your research here, which is great. Now is the time to move forward. Use it as possibility to making a long-term move. Your dad may come to thrive with positive interactions with staff and other residents, away from your mother's fretfulness and negativity.
Meanwhile, your mother can get a break from caring for and arguing with and about your dad, and she may come to see some realities that she's been able to evade until now -- such as that your dad is moving on to a new phase without her. She may decide that she likes being home by herself, and accept some basic help. Or she may decide that she needs to move to the next stage too.
I think whatever happens, the benefit to you and your sister will be that SOMETHING is finally happening, after all your parents' dithering and procrastination and resistance.
Keep us posted. Wishing you luck!
I agree, they need to be separated. You may want to see an Elder Lawyer about splitting their assets. Dads split will go towards his care in a facility. When almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. When Medicaid kicks in, Mom can remain in her home, have 1 car and get enough or all of their monthly income to live on.
good luck and best wishes. I believe you need to take control now for everyone’s best interests.