How to keep a 91 year old grandfather entertained at home?

Thank you for replying. Whenever I ask him what he might be in the mood to do it’s usually going out to eat or wanting to visit his old neighbors that are 2 hours from where we are. I try and make him understand I can’t drive during the day due to lack of transportation and I would feel bad having him pay any taxi fee to get there. So I tell my parents that he wants to visit and we give his old neighbors a call before the weekend and set up a visit with them. However the past few times we took him they only wanted to keep him for an hour. He has a bad habit of remembering the worst of people. To give an example: an old neighbor hood friend of his named Herman he swears up and down to us that he did something in the past and screwed him over so sometimes he’ll remember and be like “I hope I never see him again or if I do I hope he’ll be dead.” It’s quite the shock since one day he’ll reminisce about them going to the VA out there and having drinks and having a good time and that’s what he’ll want to do and then the next say something that abrupt. He always wants to help my dad out around the house with yard work or a new construction side project but he simply can’t do any of those labor intensive work. He used to be a handy man back in his day so it’s hard for him to realize he can’t do all of that anymore. We have a golf cart we brought back from his old home but anytime I mention lets go for a cruise around the block he doesn’t want to. He remembers what needs to be fixed on it and rather try and fix that then ride it. Even though there is nothing more to fix on his golf cart we fixed it and it’s like brand new. I guess old habits do die hard because when I looked after my grandma when I was young she was willing to do a lot and wouldn’t complain much.

During the day I have no help what so ever unless one of my parents have the day/week off they work for the school districts so sometimes I get a month “off” if you will but I still choose to stay home and help in any way I can. I know this is a lot for me to do on my own but no one else will step up and help him like I have. I would attempt that Council and Aging program you mentioned but my grandpa is not fond of strangers and unfortunately due to growing up in North Carolina during the segregation period he isn’t respectful towards any African Americans or Asians but thats mostly due to him possibly being in the Korean War. I don’t want to have to put anyone through any form of disrespect due to his dementia making him think in California segregation is still a viable option for being disrespectful towards them. It’s not all the time but still I know people would be offended by what he might say or do towards them if I were to get someone who was of that ethnic background. As for the VA offering me some form of financial aid they denied me. Since I am not a qualified nurse I can’t be given any form of aid. He is paid an additional $200/$300 from the VA for a live in nurse but like I said before with not being a nurse I won’t receive that as a paycheck. However after he heard that he pays me $200 a month for my help. I don’t want it though but I get where he is coming from so I accept so I don’t upset him by denying it. He has plenty of money from selling his house but that’s his money and I rather him spend it on whatever he wants instead of paying me for just helping out. He has Medicare but honestly he isn’t bad off enough that I can’t help him with what he needs. All he needs is someone to give him his pills on time, cook for him, apply eye drops for his glaucoma at night, give him a fresh pair of clothes every day and set up the bath/shower for him to use. Other than those he can mostly everything on his own or with minimal assistance from me or my mom. As for my future to be honest i’ve had to put it on hold for many things. I haven’t ever had a goal I could reach before putting it on hold again. I got my drivers license late in life compared to friends I got it at 20 and the car that was for me I can’t use my mom has to use it for work since our previous car kicked the bucket. I went to bartending school when I was 21 and nearly completed the course but had to stop when my grandfather fell at his old house and well he is now living with us since then. Both of my parents have nearly a decade of work left till they can retire and since I could never successfully start my life I was fine staying home and looking after him while my parents continued working. I have a boyfriend of nearly 7 years he lives with all of us and well I personally feel like i’m holding him back. He wants to move out with me and possibly get married but since I have no legitimate job and I can’t exactly leave my home when my grandpa lives here it’s quite a tearing situation. Luckily he understands and doesn’t think i’m holding him back since he has his own well paying job and what not. He’s the only one I can go to and cry when I feel overwhelmed from my depression which unfortunately stems from watching my grandpa too. It’s mainly I’m so sad that he’s my last one and having to fight with my own family just to spend some time with him in person or over the phone. I’m also just sad that he is my last one and I can’t imagine what life is like without grandparents. I have a lot of work on myself to do now and after he is gone and it’s just tough to do with the constant reminder of he’s my last grandparent.

Thank you for your reply and suggestion. Do you know if this is something I can do online? Like is there a form or something I need to fill out in order to get the transportation to come pick us both up?

I do accompany him anytime he goes out if not me it’s my mom or dad we never leave him alone. As for the bus suggestion I live in a gates community the only “bus stop” we have is for the school bus and it’s more than 5 blocks from my house. I would have to look into if they could come straight to my house and pick us up but with all the other elderly that live in my neighbor hood the only bus i’ve seen is the one that takes then to their doctors appointments which we don’t need since my mom or dad take him to his appointments since he wouldn’t know where to go or what he was being seen for if he went alone.

Thank you for replying to my cry for help. I am the only family member of his who was willing to stop their personal life to take care of him. His daughter won’t take him in because he has a dog. His oldest son suffered a stroke and his daughter has to take care of him so he would not be capable of taking care of him. His youngest son works 3 jobs and would have no time. I took care of my mothers mom when she got up in age when I was in middle school/high school so this is just what I do to help out when no one else can/wants to. My parents help take care of him after 3pm but I look after him during the day till they get home. Unfortunately the only transportation me and my grandpa could get is uber but with the horror stories I hear from friends about using uber or lyft I am too scared to put me and my grandpa at risk. His dementia is pretty bad sometimes he forgets who I am even though I’m with him every day. He can’t sit where it would be the easiest to put together a puzzle or possibly scrap book. He also only remembers the war and his sisters back home in North Carolina. He forgets he has kids and grandkids so I try and show him home videos of birthday parties or of holidays along with any pictures to help jog his memory. I do put on netflix for him but he mainly likes nature documentaries which is fine with me I love those. But there’s not a whole lot of those that don’t show pretty gruesome acts mainly blood. He doesn’t like I love Lucy or the Andy Griffith show both me and my mom have tried to show him and he just asks if there’s something better on. I’d love to take him to the VA that’s less than 30mins away but the last few times i’ve gone with him and my mom he tends to not talk to anyone there because I guess he’s ashamed of his position as a baker in the war. To be honest as well we don’t really know what war he was in none of his family can recall. He asks a lot to go to the VA mainly for the free drinks which he also can’t have a lot of. I usually make any drinks he wants since I was nearly going to get my bartenders license before I had to put that on hold and be his care giver so I know how to make his drinks super on the light side or I trick him and there is no alcohol in it at all. I also just want to make it clear I hold no grudge on him for me putting my life on hold I have more of a grudge towards his other grandkids and his capable children that could come and see him and at least take him out to eat but they don’t. I try and get them to but a lot of them just give the excuse of “i’ll try and see when my next day off is and come visit” but they never reply back afterwards for months.

Thank you for replying and for the suggestions. The only senior activity center he’d like to do is go to the VA and drink some margaritas. He easily gets jealous of people his age doing better health wise then him. So he usually gets upset and we have to leave. I do put on music for him such as dolly parton and johnny cash he loves country music. But on some days he doesn’t want to hear any music and would much rather nap most the day. I try and let him do whatever he may like and not deny it. If I had access to a car I would take him out to eat once a week or more but he likes to splurge too much when it comes to eating out. He wouldn’t be able to go to a movie theater due to his bad knees and not so good eye sight I think climbing up and down any steps would be very risky. So I try and find movies online for him that are from the 1930-40’s era but that isn’t always easy. I try and encourage his family to call him more but his sisters from North Carolina don’t want to worry him with anything that might be going on with them because then he won’t stop saying he’s going to fly back there. He can’t fly alone and my parents and I took him there in June of this year and he was mostly not there I guess it’s hard to describe but it didn’t seem like he enjoyed how different it looked out there compared to how he might remember it in his mind. We plan to take him again sometime next spring and unfortunately no other family members here want to go with him because they don’t want to look after him the way we do.

Thank you for your reply. I have the same problem you had with your aunt with the lack of remember plot lines in movies or books. He can still hear fairly well but he constantly complains about a ringing in his ear other veterans have said they have that from the war and the bombs. We got it checked and it checks out as being normal and fine so i’m guessing it’s something that comes with ptsd but I am unsure. I am not getting and support from the gov or through his health care I got denied since I am not a registered nurse or they say it’s due to him already being paid the max amount and he should just pay me the $200/$300 he is given for the at home nurse care he is given through the gov. He gives me $200 a month due to me helping him and to be honest I don’t desire nor do I want more out of him. If anything I would take no money because I don’t feel like I should be owed anything for just being helpful. He is not bad off enough to be too much to handle at home so no one wants him in a home yet. I also didn’t like how rapidly my grandma declined in every aspect of herself when she was in a home. I know my future is somewhat being robbed but in all honestly I have no idea what else I could do. I don’t want to seem selfish and say “put him in a home so I can focus on my own life” It doesn’t sit right with me at all.. I also had done this when I was younger with my grandma when I was in middle school/high school when I was on break I basically lived with her and took care of her to well to the best of my ability back then. I wish I could get compensated through the gov for this but my mom has exhausted all options to help me at least even just have this be recognized as some form of work experience but no luck due to me not being a nurse. If you know of any other way I could go about not having to take money from my grandpa’s gov payment I’d greatly appreciate it since I don’t like taking his money at all.