How to keep their mood from ruining yours?

Burnt Out Angry Caregiver:

This is what I responded to: "I am wondering how other people manage to compartmentalize or let things roll of their back?"

Maintaining one's equanimity is not easy. It is a practice.
Setting boundaries is a practice.
I was addressing this writer's question as to what I did / do. That is all.

Hopefully, for your own well-being, you can re-direct your vile anger elsewhere. Clearly, I trigger something very deep inside you. And, yes. People / caregivers need to find ways to self-protect - to function. Apparently, you do not understand what I was offering - and that is okay. Some other people did. I hope you will let this go now. It doesn't serve any purpose to keep spurring your rage at me ... when I am answering a writer's question. May peace be with you.

Beer 🍺, Valium (2 hrs apart) chocolate chip ice cream 🍦..but seriously, take walk around block & exercise as much as possible. All I can say is it’s not easy. Hugs 🤗

I am sorry life can be so hard on so many of us. People with mood disorders are struggling with brain chemicals that are not in balance. I think the best advice on this topic is to try and remind yourself that it is not personal (even when it sure can seem like it is!!!). Knowing that they are not in control of what is happening. Babies get very fussy when they don’t feel well but can’t verbally express their tummy ache or ear ache. So they cry, throw fits, and I scream until they get the help or relief they are in need of finding. Many women get very emotional, cry, get angry, or even feel rage when their hormones change each month. Then when the hormones are balanced, they go back to normal. Elderly people with dementia cannot always verbally express the way they feel either. It can show up as frustration, fear, anxiety, anger, nasty comments, sadness, withdrawal, or apathy. These emotions may be very different from the personality and demeanor they had always had. I can assure you the parent you always knew is in there. If your parent was always a selfish jerk, then it is safe to guess that if they get worse, the original nastiness is still baked in the bread as it always was. But, if you had a loving, caring parent, that has changed their demeanor because of a medication or disease, it is my belief that the same wonderful person you always knew, is stuck inside of their body that is betraying them. It has to feel terrifying to know that you are just not able to remember things, complete the simple tasks that you were able to do your entire life, and worst of all, lose the love and respect from people who no longer value you. That is why it is important for loved ones and caretakers to take breaks and treat the elderly with love and respect.
I do realize that not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker, or is equipped with the patience needed. I also realize that a selfish, nasty parent that neglected or abused their child, does not have the right to expect them to do anything for them. If you choose to take care of your parent, it can be a gift of time to show them they are safe and loved. Just remember to take care of yourself too.

Best of luck to you. 🙏❤️🍀

Burnt: We don't always agree, but I couldn't agree more with your opinion on overuse of the term "journey". Seems like everything difficult in life now is a "journey". I very much respect Teepa Snow's dementia expertise but Jennifer Ghent-Fuller makes more sense to me.

I remind myself that my husband is sick and what happens is not my or his fault, and focus on things I see that make me happy or remind myself of the good things in my life. I try to go to another room if it's safe, and maybe put on some relaxing music. This morning we spent an hour walking the perimeter of the backyard as he wanted to jump the fence, after pulling out the insect netting off the security door in front (he doesn't have the key). I focused on the views and the humor of the situation, and ignored his insulting remarks. Eventually he got tired and went back inside, I gave him some water and he calmed down a bit. It is hard to accept that there is nothing to do for their mood, you are likely not part of their reality. It took me a while. I am on Zoloft, it helps. I also try to meditate and keep myself emotionally detached.

red wine! LOL just kidding but I have resorted to a glass here and there.

Hi there, i’m not sure I can provide any strong advice, but what I can do is understand and concur 100%. My mother gets agitated very easily, and she already had a history of going off on people who didn’t solve the problem the way she wanted it solved Weather on the phone, in a drive-through, at a store, etc. That has just gotten worse, and I find that my level of anxiety just stays through the roof. I have to walk away. When I hear her starting that on a phone call, I leave the room. I go somewhere where I cannot hear it, because I have learned I can do nothing about it, it’s not about me, but about her unregulated emotions, and it does zero good for me to try to help. Step away from the anger - AND the feeling that you have to fix it. This is what I’m calling the tiptoeing stage, and it’s no fun. Embarrassingly, I have to tell you that I found a bit of relief myself in reading your post, not because you’re going through this, but because there’s someone who understands and it’s not just me. Hang in there!

PS, there is 1000% nothing wrong with going to a movie by yourself and enjoying some popcorn and two hours of peace! 😉

Such an important and GOOD question.

I've done 'a lot' of personal growth / counseling trainings so understand some of the ways to do this. For example, in Psychosynthesis, they speak of sub-personalities - all vying for attention inside us. We are like a puppeteer (the 'self') holding the strings of our sub-personalities. It helps to realize there is more than 'one' of us inside us. There are many parts or sub-personalities inside us.

How I separate another's expressions / moods from taking them in:
* First of all, dealing with a parent (or in my case, a client), it is not easy when dementia and/or narcissistic personality disorders are involved, along with a wounded parent who takes out their anger on YOU.

Letting things roll off their back ... wouldn't THAT be nice (smile).
It likely doesn't happen to most of us, like 99.99%.

It takes focused effort and continually doing behaviors that work.
And, then it still requires inner work and shifting our attention.

* I visualize(d) a bubble of safety around my entire body.
Bubbles that are 'safety' and 'self-protection'' bubbles.
Do this visualization several times before you need it and then when you feel triggered by your mom's mood / expressions, see this bubble of self-protection, self-separation, self-compassion.
- And LEAVE THE ROOM . . . soon as you feel you are starting to absorb (that is a good definition of whats happening - absorb) - leave. Even for 1-5 minutes.
- Do the visualization and practice deep breathing. Look up meditations, healthy breathing practices. Do this before you visit your mom and when you feel activated when with her.

Breath in: I am safe, calm, at peace with myself (or whatever feels right to re-affirm).

Breathe out: I release all negativity (or whatever feels right)

* I'd suggest a regular meditation routine (it does change your brain chemistry in the best of ways).

- Look at Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Buddhist scholar and brain science (he wrote Buddha Brain). He speaks of neuro-plasticity - which is really important to understand - basically what we repeat, practice changes our brain synapses for the better. Then, this 'new' behavior becomes our new/then old habits. He offers a (free) meditation Wed nights 5:45pm-7:30pm Zoom. Sign up at his website. He offers many workshops and gives a scholarship when needed.
I recently took his anxiety workshop (12 weeks).

* Exercise, get enough sleep, eat as healthy as you can.

* I have shifted from absorbing to compassion - for the person.
See the person in a 'bubble of light and love.'
- * Are you in therapy or dealing with your grief of losing your mom?
While I support Lexapro, it is equally important not to stuff in the feelings and process through them. I suggest / recommend both courses of action.

You cannot change THEIR brain chemistry / health situation.
You absorbing 'may be' a way of not wanting to accept reality. Just something to consider. It- you do the best you can

REDIRECT by holding her hand, smiling, giving a hand or foot massage.

It may help you to shift as soon as you can when you leave the visit and do something that is enjoyable to you - dinner out, a movie, gardening, a drink with a buddy, or get a massage. And visualize that bubble of your energy shifting - as you need it to (as) learning to shift how you feel when you leave will help you re-program. And, let it go.

I had a nasty mean client for 3 yrs and worked on this all the time. And, on top of that, I kept telling myself "you should know how to do this ! " - at that time though, I didn't understand what was going on in her brain. If I did, I think her outbursts (anger directed at me) would have helped me shift to compassion and taking (more of the) space / 'time outs' that I needed, which I did). It is different with a parent.

* You might need to shorten your visits ... to take care of yourself.

Your question will help many here. Gena / Touch Matters

What a sad situation. This is my Mom who raised me, fed and clothed me, taught me how to make homemade
chicken n dumplins and big fancy cakes. It’s very difficult and I cry a lot. BUT we have to remember these episodes are NOT her. It’s the disease. I too always try to smile and be perky to cheer her up. Most the time it works. I believe medication has helped me as well. If it helps me keep a bit of sanity it’s worth it. I will not dismiss her or cut her out of my life. She is the only Mom I have. And we are all they have. Keep praying. Take some time for yourself even if just a walk or read. I will never abandon my Mom or stop taking care of her. This is my life now. My choice to be her caregiver. She always told me “have no regrets “. With all I do for her I will NOT have regrets knowing I am doing everything I can for her. Before you decide make sure your decision is one you can live with when God takes her. You are not alone. It is very heartbreaking, exhausting and overwhelming for us and our families. God bless.

I avoided mine. I wouldn’t spend any time with her. She sent me into rages and I wasn’t going to medicate myself because of her. People over estimate the worth of mothers. They’re not all worth the effort, when mine first got dementia and would have rages and outbursts, I would give it right back to her. She figured out not to upset me. So if your parent is aggravating you, cut them off. I wish we could have elderly euthanasia.

I having been going through this with my mom for almost 4 years since she was diagnosed. I moved her in with me for the last 2 years as she is getting worse very quickly. I am almost always caring a smile on my face, as my name means happiness. :) out of left field she will walk up to me and say, while pointing a finger at my face, you are horrible and mean and i am miserable. you kill me. i say, well mom i love you and am sorry you feel that way today. I will not bother you today, but i will check on you during the day. i usually wait 2 hours and go and check on her and then i usually find that she spit her pills out. I then give her a new pill box to take and i will stand there until she has taken them all. then i ask how are you feeling today. 'I'm miserable' ok well i will leave you alone for a bit. feel free to come and sit with me and the dogs when you feel ok to, this will go on for a bit or a while before she comes out and is 'more normal' toned and alert. there have been days where once i walk out of her room i burst into tears, but i do not let her see me like that. For me, seeing the strongest person i know ending up with this horrible illness, breaks my heart.

Oh boy!!! I know how you’re feeling. I’m going thru this with my Mom who is in a memory care center. She has her days where she calls me crying and says she wants to be with her ex husband who has passed. She has the CNAs call me to tell me how sad she is and they put me on the phone with her and when she doesn’t elicit the sympathy that she wants, she just hands the phone back to the CNA! She yells “help” to get the staff to come in to her room and she says she’s lonely and wants someone to sit with her and hold her hand! She has become very selfish and entitled in her old age. I come and see her 2-3 times a week, I come and pick her up and take her for rides in my car (she loves fast cars) and we go out to eat. The staff says that Mom is the only one who has family (me) show up regularly to spend time with her. I am at a loss. They’ve had to change her meds up many times. She’s on Risperidone now to help with her yelling…she knows what she’s doing with the yelling because she admitted it to me! She was with me on her birthday and of course there was not 1 incident of the yelling. She was totally snowed by this other medication they were giving her… she’d sleep all day and then be up at night and calling me and asking why I haven’t come to see her when I had come to see her but she was asleep. She’s missed nail appointments that I make for her, hair appointments, even a barbecue at her facility…just sleeping all the time. All I can say is spend time with people who are good to you. Good luck 👍🍀

So sorry you are going through this journey; a journey no one wants to go on.

Agree w/much of what has already been shared. I found it helpful to tell my mom the boundaries of behavior [no name calling, no guilt tripping, no screaming, no telling me 'you want to kill yourself', civil conversation is expected].

This was for me, to say it out loud. NOT that I expected her to be able to change her or control her behavior. Saying these boundaries out loud, gave me the courage to say (if there was a breach), "Name calling is not something, I am up for" ( of fill in the other boundary), I will need to end the visit, call, etc. We can visit/talk the when you are feeling better at a future time. All said in a very calm and slow voice; and then I would just leave, exit, end the call.

You cannot control them, but you can with practice control your reaction and then control what you do: leave, walk away for a bit, end the call. One does NOT have to take it, if it is too much to take.

Also, work with a great therapist. Mine helped me work through (sill working through, even thought my mom passed 2 years ago) much of this. There is the anticipatory grief, the grief, the anger, sadness, the guilt sometime, and other feelings to process.

And some of this journey is like having to turn one's own brain inside out. Initially, I would try to explain things or correct her; like that was going to work. Eventually, I just had to not fall into that trap. Much like if she refused to ever leave her room at the nursing home, so be it. There is not much one can do, with their behavior or choices. Let them. (PS that is a great book if you are interested: by Mel Robbins).

I also found that limiting contact, at the end of the day, was best for me. I ended up blocking her phone number. She could leave a message, ranting or what every and I could choose when to listen. If there was a real emergency; the the NH staff would let me know. Not sure where your mom lives now, but you do NOT need to answer every call especially if most are calls to rant at you.

Best of luck with this. Hope you have family and friends to support you through this. Hope you can work with a great therapist or maybe a grief counselor; they can really help with this journey,

My mom is 97, we lost my dad about a year and a half ago and last fall we moved her into assisted living. During the past few years, while she doesn't have dementia, I've noticed she can no longer handle anything that occurs outside her 'normal' day to day activities. She becomes almost hysterical when she calls.
What happens is a role reversal. I become the mom (caregiver) reassuring her child that everything is ok and we can fix it or get it fixed or whatever. Try understanding your mom can't help herself and try the role reversal approach....STAY CALM and ask questions and provide answers or distractions (best parent tool ever!) to help her calm down. Once I realized I am not the daughter anymore but a caregiver/parent it made it easier to deal with and help her. That is not to say there is not a sense of grief that I don't have the mom I used to, but it's easier to help her in my role as caregiver and less stressful for me in the long run. Bless you for caring so much,

Recognize that she has no control over her behavior. It is an involuntary response.

Meet her crying, anxious, angry mood with your own cheery, or at least calm demeanor. Practice non-emotional responses. That will not only help you to remain calm, but it will signal to her a calmness that she's having trouble finding her way to. You are modeling the behavior for her to follow.

I'm not going to say I haven't been frustrated and reacted in anger. I am human, and so are you. But I try and steady myself before I go in the room, and put on a cheery face and cheery voice, and put myself in a good mood, that even a negative or difficult disposition is not able to bring me down. I prepare for it. I know I am going to be met with negativity. I just ignore it and continue to project a positive attitude. If I do get upset, it is best to simply turn and walk away. Go outside for a while. Gather my thoughts. Remind myself that the dementia patient is unable to regulate their behavior. After a while, I'm ready to try again.

I've been learning about this concept called 'body budgeting.' It sounds like your brain might just be sending you an 'overdrawn' notice right now. Instead of worrying that something is wrong with your life, maybe you can just look at it as a physical signal—like a touch of 'emotional flu'—and see what your body needs to feel flush again.

It is completely normal to feel "mood contagion" when caring for a loved one with dementia. Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research offers a few powerful neuroscientific concepts that can help you create that "compartmentalization" you're looking for by changing how your brain predicts and labels your experiences.

Here’s a list to try to help you manage your feelings. I’ve been finding what I learn from her very helpful in my own life.

🧠 The "60-Second Body Budget" Cheat Sheet

Based on the work of neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett

When you feel your mood "dropping" or your mother starts an outburst, try one of these Micro-Deposits to stop your brain from crashing:

~The "Candle" Breath: Inhale for 4 seconds, then exhale through pursed lips (like blowing out a candle) for 8 seconds. This tells your brain "I am safe," which stops it from pumping out stress hormones.

~The Temperature Reset: Splash ice-cold water on your face or hold an ice cube. This "shocks" your nervous system out of a negative emotional loop and lowers your heart rate instantly.

~The "Biological Glitch" Reframe: When she yells or cries, say to yourself: "This is a biological glitch, not a personal attack." This separates her "malfunctioning brain" from your own emotions.

~The Sensory Shift: Quickly name 3 blue things you see and 3 sounds you hear. This pulls your brain out of the "story" of the stress and back into the physical room.

~The Deconstruction: If you feel a "pit" in your stomach or a tight chest, tell yourself: "This is just physical energy (glucose) moving around my body. It isn't 'misery' yet."

The Goal: You aren't "fixing" her dementia; you are simply protecting your own "Body Budget" so you don't run out of emotional currency.

Your mother may need anti anxiety meds. If you don't have someone to help out with your mom, you might want to check into that. You need breaks from caregiving.

Hi,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Does your mom live with you? My mom has frequent bouts of anxiety where she is very nervous and scared for no apparent reason (noting no official diagnosis of anything other than severe anxiety right now, her cognitive abilities memory reasoning conversing are fine). She can't control it, she tries, she has a psych np that she talks to. But I've always had a good relationship with her not everyone has had that so their perspective may be different.


That said, she is never mean to me or abusive. It depends on the day how I manage it, I have a counselor of my own, I'm on zoloft. I try to take time for myself. I don't live with my parents. It might be different if I did. When I have a bad "reaction" day, I just remind myself tomorrow is a day I can try again and try to respond differently and not "absorb " it. I used to pretend I was Wonder Woman and I had those bracelets that the emotions could bounce off of, or imagine a force field around me.


That's the hardest part for me. In a way you kind of have to be a bit " clinical" about it which requires a degree of separation, which to me feels very sad. Like I said to my husband the other day I have to act sometimes like I'm "just a home health aide" and sympathize and empathize, but not let it come home with me (poor guy never knows what's gonna walk in the door lol), the daughter in me my heart breaks. I agree with not feeding into it, I tell her the feeling will pass, it always does etc .


Counseling with a good therapist focusing on "radical acceptance " or DBT therapy is very helpful to me. Today I had a good day. Maybe I'll get a frightened call later that will knock me off my equilibrium. Lately I've been able to hang up from those calls and go back to what I was doing, some days I wallow in worrying after. No one is perfect.

It's very difficult not to let loved one with dementia affect you. It helps to remember that many with dementia will mirror your own moods. Try to keep even keeled, think of their behavior as a toddler having a tantrum that will pass. They do this because they are scared and because their brain is broken.

Have a straight talk with our mother. Tell her that you are ruining your own life by being with her when she is ‘crying, anxious and angry’. If she can’t control her behavior, you can’t continue it. You will both do better if she is somewhere with more staff to cope with her moods. Take her for a visit to an appropriate facility so that she can see you are serious.

Early-to-moderate dementia is not a free ticket to ruining your life, which is as important as hers.

If I let my mother's mood affect my own, I'd have had ruined days for 65 years since she was always complaining or angry about something. Or crying or blaming, etc. You cannot be codependent with mom to this point, you are two different people. She's going to continue to get worse with progressive dementia and if you don't make a conscious effort to separate your moods from hers, your whole life will be ruined. And for what?? It's not like you're helping her in any way by taking on her moods. See a therapist to help you, that's my suggestion. And cut down on the time you spend visiting and speaking on the phone if all she does is upset you.

Best of luck to you.

By remembering that your mothers brain is broken and yours isn't, and she can't help it but you can.
People with dementia tend to mirror the attitudes and emotions of those closest to them, so it's important that you try your best to put your best foot forward even if you have to fake it.