My mother is an active alcoholic with alcohol related dementia. She is non-verbal, just sometimes managing yes and no answers. She seems to love and is extremely dependent on her live-in caregiver, the only person she recognizes, who gives her food, alcohol, and companionship, but her caregiver just expressed her extreme dislike of me, is extraordinarily rude and verbally abusive to me. I feel the caregiver is manipulative, but my mom seems to trust her and enjoy her company. What should I do?
Of course care provider (she is NOT a caregiver as she isn't giving care) doesn't 'like you' as you are getting in the way of her toxic, unethical behavior. She wants the relationship to be between your mother and herself only. This person is wounded, if not an addict herself.
Call APS - report this person. They need to know what is going on.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your mother doesn't 'love' her. She is dependent on her and since she is giving your mother alcohol, her addictive substance, your mom 'likes her.' Of course your mother will want this caregiver. She is a co-dependent or worse, since she is supposedly a caregiver. She is not.
If this person is hired through an agency, call them immediately.
If she is an independent hire, tell her not to come back and perhaps change the locks on the doors.
If you do not have legal authority to 'care' for your mother's welfare, as she clearly needs, get whatever legal documents in order 'IF' you want to take this on. It won't be / isn't easy dealing with an addictive older parent. She will not appreciate anything you do because she cannot.
However, it is bad news to have this toxic person in your mother's employ.
She should be reported to some 'one' or company / government entity to be black listed. She may be an alcoholic herself.
In addition, she is likely taking advantage of your mother in other ways.
Do what you can within your comfort ability / zone.
While you may care deeply for your mother, you do not want to put yourself in a position of burning out - and not taking care of YOURSELF first. This is a textbook situation where you can easily burn out. As you need, get into therapy to deal with your own issues. I can imagine you have challenges due to having an alcoholic mother. That cannot be easy at all. Even though we all have our 'mother' issues, I would imagine this could be very difficult for you.
Thank you for writing us here and asking for support.
I hope that I was / am helpful.
Gena / Touch Matters
Are you the only person this caregiver is rude and abrupt to? If so, then talk to the caregiver and find out why she is behaving this way towards you.
The reason why the caregiver is the only person that your Mother recognizes is because she sees her the most.
Who pays for the caregiver? If she works for an agency, you need to talk to the agency about her behavior. Do you have POA? If so, it is time to limit the caregivers hours to few hours a day (or remove her altogether) and introduce another caregiver. If you don't have POA, then talk to whomever has POA and find out why you are being treated this way.
Another option is to move your Mother into a Memory Care facility.
Either way, it would be a good idea to decrease or eliminate their time together, assuming the care giver behaves in the same manner to your Mom's family and acquaintances as she does with you.
Apply for Medicaid and get mom into a SNF where she can detox safely, if you are POA. Otherwise, after Ray runs off the caregiver, wean mom slowly off booze as you train another REAL caregiver who's qualified and not an addict herself.
I find it very hard to believe a paid employee would verbally abuse the client's family for no reason. It doesn't make sense.
If it is another family member that you don't get along with, then tell that story.
My grandfather was an active alcoholic as he died, and none of us would give him alcohol even though he begged for it every day. One of my Uncles would, it made my grandfather happy and that's all that Uncle cared about.
My father, another alcoholic chose to stop drinking towards the end of his life, he went through the DT's and was dead within two months.
For sure you can get rid of this person if they are a paid employee, but you have to have a back up plan, because once the alcohol is gone, she will have an adverse reaction and her care requirements will increase.
Is her "caregiver" trained and licensed? If so, report her to the state board. Then contact APS and get Mom into a care facility.
Since Mom has a diagnosis of dementia so severe that she is non-verbal, someone needs to be her guardian. Your family needs to figure that out. Is there anyone else involved, and do they have the same impression you do?
If her companion is isolating Mom from family and has access to her money assume she is using it for her own benefit unless proven otherwise. If this is not the case she would want family involved to support her efforts to care for Mom. Once you know that money is being taken, call the police. Even if you don't get anything back for Mom's care you need to stop a predator from taking advantage of the next victim.
Get POA now if not already
If the person disappears. she will forget her and adapt
To answer this question you must tell us if you are your Mom's DPoA? Is anyone her DPoA or legal guardian.
If the answer is no, then you have no power to do anything except to contact APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Since your Mom likes this person, even this tactic may not go very far if she tells them she isn't being abused or neglected in any way. If it's not your house and not your legal responsibility you will have to watch the train wreck in slow motion from the sidelines.
You keep calling this person a "caregiver"... were they actuallyt hired specifically by your Mom or you for this job? Were they sent by the county? Or, are they some opportunist or fellow drinking buddy that your Mom has allowed to move in?
We need specific details.
The badmouthing and disrespect isn’t right, but if she’s an addict there’s a whole lot more going on than that. I’d be tempted to walk away from the whole mess.
Does she live with you?
Are you her POA?
Do you intend to allow her to drink herself to death?
If the answer to the above is that "Yes, this is the case", then I don't see a problem with the caregiver. Just keep the money away from her and continue to manage your mother's assets as her POA.
If however, you are not POA, not managing assets, and not living with your mother, not intending to curtail her drinking or withdraw her from alcohol, then I don't see what choice you have in the matter. Your mother's liver will likely soon follow the direction her brain has already gone. She may not have long to live. I can't see why she shouldn't choose her own options if you aren't managing for her.
Do fill us in as to the current living conditions. As with most questions this comes down to what power you do or don't have to make any changes.
Having serious concerns about a caregiver is one thing. Having the authority to hire & fire caregivers is another.
Do you have POA? If not, who does?