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Dad has been in MC for approximately 18 months. A family friend recently took him out for the day to visit old friends and have lunch. Now the friend wants to take him out in the evening to go see a race. I don't think family friend understands dementia, symptoms, and sundowners. My family and I only visit dad at the facility and no longer take him out because he seems so uncomfortable and asks to go back. How do I know his dementia is beyond the point of taking him out in public?

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Tell the friend that the doctor does not recommend crowds, large noise nor evening activities for your spouse.

Suggest another lunch out or coffee out or even just driving around.
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Reply to brandee
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I’ve experienced a LO unfastening the seatbelt while in the moving car. Of course the alarm started dinging, causing LO to be confused. When I instructed LO to put seat belt back on, he reached for the door handle and would have opened the door if I hadn’t realized what he was doing and spoken sharply, “Stop!” Your dad’s friends wouldn’t be prepared for that, and I wasn’t either. It could have ended tragically if I hadn’t been on alert, as I know I have to be.

LO took a plastic piece off a holiday display at a medical office. He thought it was pretty and refused to put it back. The nurse laughed and said he could keep it, but what will he take next time? Are the friends prepared to manage crises like that?

LO was at dentist for teeth cleaning. He tried to get on the hygienist’s chair with his feet where his head should go. This was easy enough to correct, but what will he do next, and where?

Dementia behavior can quickly turn inappropriate. Then it’s best to stay home.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Call me suspicious.. but I wonder who paid for lunch? A night out at the races is next? Wonder who will be putting the money up for any bets? Does Dad have any access to cards or cash? Just checking..
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Reply to Beatty
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I would think the night time to the races is a bad idea , crowds, loud .

I would say that since you are seeing that Dad is uncomfortable going out and asks to go back , that you should tell these friends not to take him out.

Your Dad is most likely doing the same when they take him out and then they may be going on and on about how great is is to go out etc etc thinking that the more they encourage him the more he’ll want to go out.

These friends don’t understand , and you don’t owe them an explanation. You can tell them they can’t take him out . If they ask why tell them Dad is uncomfortable going out and tell them if they want to learn more about Dementia they can google it .

I also understand you even be leery if these people take Dad out to lunch, as it sounds like they wouldn’t know what to do if he had a meltdown . They can bring lunch to him and eat with him .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Tell the family friend that you appreciate the kind thought and gesture but you find that dad is much more comfortable in his "home" particularly in the evening.
You could ask the friend to please tape the race and bring a video to show dad during the day when he is at his best.
I would also explain that it is getting more difficult to take dad out of the facility and dad does love the visit but next time you want to have lunch with him bring a lunch and sit in the Family Room or take him out to the "garden area" (if there is one) and have a leisurely lunch there.

I stopped taking my Husband out, and this was WITH a caregiver, when I had to get down on the ground and turn my Husbands feet while the caregiver helped him turn his body so he could sit in the car.
Another time my Husband sat down in the car before I could help him and he sat not on the seat but in the area where your feet and legs go! (I had parked facing a different way and he was used to getting in and turning one way to sit on the seat, with the car turned the other way he made the same maneuver and ended up sitting kinda on the floor) Trying to get a 6'4" 275 pound person up from that position was a nightmare!
Bottom line..if it is no longer safe to take them out they stay put.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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graygrammie Jul 19, 2024
Your response is so much more gracious than mine was. I like your perspective and suggestions.
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Your family friend defintely does not understand your father's condition. However, if he takes him out, the friend's world will be expanded and he will have an understanding he didn't have before. Part of me would say, "Sure, take dad to the race. He's your responsibility for the evening. Don't call me for help." I guess I'm tired of people who only see the showtiming side of a person but never deal with the reality and think I'm making things up.
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Reply to graygrammie
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Scampie1 Jul 19, 2024
Graygrammie, this is so true. I've had clients showtime in front of friends and for doctors appointments. A couple of hours later, the sundowning was worse than ever.

People who are not confronted with the sudden changes in a person's behavior are not aware of what caregivers are subjected to on a daily basis. You realize your loved one is no longer able to tolerate normal activities outside of the home. This is the progression of the disease.
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Daughter, I understand your dilemma, I don't know your dad or how he is out. Everyone is different at different stages of dementia. So only you can answer that.

I will also say, that sounds a little much, the noise, and people. Big difference from an afternoon lunch, in my opinion

Best of luck.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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You don't know for sure, but as dad's daughter and presumably POA, YOU get to make the decisions FOR him. You certainly do not want to find out that dad isn't able to go out at night, and winds up being in the care of someone totally unable to care for him! That sounds potentially disastrous.

Remember, YOU make the rules and the MC follows then with regard to who's allowed to take dad at and during which hours.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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