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Both my mom and step father have Alzheimer’s. My mom has Parkinson’s and mild Alzheimer’s while my stepdad has moderate to severe Alzheimer’s. Though both need full time around the clock care, my mother is okay enough at this time to stay with me. However, my stepdad isn’t, he barely remembers who we are, where he is, and has terrible sundowners as well as awful sleep habits. The biggest issue is his wandering around, agitation, and not leaving my mom alone! There are nights, days etc. that literally he might as well tie her down. Unintentionally, he’s smothering her and has actually left a few bruises.
Some days he appears like he remembers everything, but it’s everything from 20 years ago and he harasses my mom to get things so he can get crews out working! They owned a business for 30 years. Everyone says it’s time for memory care for him, but unless he physically hurts her again I can’t bear going against moms wishes not to put him in MC
Background - I am both their POA’s and have been in VA taking care of them with my sister around the clock.
Please help, any suggestions welcome. 🙏

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I would place your Mom and Dad in care and in care together. To me it is the best solution. This is not sustainable to 24/7 one on one care. This requires shifts full of folks to manage and manipulate around for best situation it can be (and it is never going to be perfect again).
I would place both as you are POA. As most of these MC and Nursing Homes are two to a room they would be "roommates" but still have common areas to get away from one another. I don't know their assets, and MC can be expensive, but I don't really see how family can take this on knowing it will not get better, but instead will become exponentially worse.
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Debsturr Oct 3, 2024
I love this and considered it! But my mother won't go in with him, she still as I'm typing and talking to her thinks they can take care of each other. "They're not senile yet." her words..
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Don’t wait until Mom gets hurt to place step dad . It’s time now .
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AlvaDeer Oct 3, 2024
But your mom isn't really in condition to make good decisions, is she Deb?
Or IS she? Because you are POA and if she is making decisions that endanger self or others (her hubby), then she needs not to be allowed to do that.
AT some point it just doesn't matter what we want. SADLY. So very sadly. I say that as an 82 year old.
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I love this and considered it! But my mother won't go in with him, she still as I'm typing and talking to her thinks they can take care of each other. "They're not senile yet." her words..
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Lmkcbz Oct 9, 2024
But they are senile. Her denial doesn’t have to be accepted as truth. Does she not see the impact - or does she simply not care about the impact his behavior has on everybody else there?
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Debsturr, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance please fill out your Profile page, this will help if you have other questions, you wouldn't need to keep re-writing the back story, we can read it on your Profile page :)


I remember back when my Dad has sundowning, he would climb into his time machine and transport back to the 1940's when he and my late Mom were first married, and he was working. It made for interesting conversations.


As for getting our parents into senior living, usually we have to wait until there is an illness or a fall. Call to 911, hospitalization, then rehab, then into senior living facility, then excuses why they can't come back home, etc.


Please keep us up-to-date with their decision, or if you have any questions.
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Reply to freqflyer
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She’s jerking you around. Tell her he’s going whether she goes or not. Make it clear that she has a choice. If she really wants to be with him, she’ll go.

He’s an abuser and she’s his victim! At least you’d be giving her an out.
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Reply to Fawnby
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There were times with my dad, in different circumstances, where we really had to force his hand for his own good. We acted like we had far more control and power than we really did and told him his options from two choices, neither of which to his liking, but both for his good and safety. To our surprise, he complied to direct, basically demands, being told there was no choice. I think this is where you are. Your mom isn’t safe in this as is. Her hand needs to be forced. Though it feels disrespectful and overbearing, it’s for her safety and ongoing health. It’s surprising what we learn to bear in all this. Wishing you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Good for Mom!!
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”Mom, I am sorry to tell you that dad can’t stay here anymore. His behavior is impacting everybody and he needs treatment / help / staff.” My dad’s insane sleeping schedule was fixed by day 3 in MC. It’s shocking the difference when professionals are involved. They know how to deal with the wondering around and agitation. Do you know how? I didn’t. Neither did my Mom and sounds like your Mom doesn’t either. You’re not doing him any favors by keeping him from people that know how to care for him. My mom always said she wanted to be with my Dad. After just a couple of nights of sleeping without him she changed her tune and now they live in the same facility in different apartments .. mom in AL and dad in MC. There will be an emergency soon … there always is .. and that’s your chance to force a change. You are the boss now. Not Mom. Her condition can go from mild to moderate overnight.
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He’s already abused her once to the point of bruising and you’re willing to just wait for it to happen again instead of acting?
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Southernwaver Oct 9, 2024
I can’t even get over this post. What in the heck is going on in this family???!!!
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Debsturr: For the wellbeing of mom, dad must be placed now.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Mom does not remember his heavy handed "affection", but you do. You are tasked with making decisions for both of them. Make decisions that safeguard both of them - health and safety issues. Talk to dad's doctor about his behavior problems and need for medication to help with his agitation. If meds do not work, then he will need to move to a facility.
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Reply to Taarna
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So you are letting a woman with dementia whose brain is dying make major decisions?

That doesn’t seem nuts to you? Is this a real post?
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So to clarify, both Mom & StepDad have diagnosed Alzheimer’s Disease? Gosh, that's tough.

Mom has mild cognitive impairment + PD & StepDad has mod-severe cog impairement bringing many difficulties eg 'sundowning' & 'shadowing' Mom.

Neither have insight that they can no longer look after themselves or each other.

It does seem you have reached the end of care at home - due to StepDad's behaviours. So which path to head down now?

StepDad goes into care. No other viable option there.

Mom's options will be;
1. Also go into care. Same place but separate rooms. Maybe separate area. He MC, she AL.
2. Continue to live in her home with round the clock care.
3. Live with family UNTIL that option no longer works.

Big factors are;
* Money (always money 🙄)
* Alz is progressive
* PD is progressive
* Mom wanting to be with StepDad

Best of luck choosing the path forward.
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Reply to Beatty
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Please do not wait for s-dad to hurt mom again.
You do have a few options, one mom might agree to.
There are medications that can help with s-dad's aggression, anxiety. that might help although there may be some drawbacks. Many of the medications can make him more of a fall risk.
Placing s-dad in a Memory Care facility is probably the best option. And place him before he hurts mom to the point where she needs medical attention. If he is charged with any sort of violence most (if not all) MC facilities will NOT accept a person that has had a violent outburst in the past 60 to 90 days. So it is best to get him into a facility before he hurts mom again (or you or your sister).

If mom is needing more help than you are both willing to admit she may be a better candidate for MC as well. (I do believe that a person with dementia should not be in AL for a variety of safety reasons)
So the option here is placing mom and s-dad in separate facilities or in the same facility but different rooms. there is the possibility of the same room since they will have facility staff around them and hopefully keeping them occupied. that could be done on a trial basis to see how dad does.

BUT...at this point mom no longer calls the shots when it comes to making decisions for her safety and well being. She may have been abused for YEARS and is still putting up a front to "protect" her, him, and you

Don't wait!
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