How to not feel guilty for saying no?
I am 52, my mom is 82. I have an an older sister 62 that now has health issues but has basically cut herself out, another mentally handicapped but functional older sister 59 that lives with my mother, and a leach younger overweight diabetic loser of a brother that lives off my mother because he can't work and he's sick all the time because "he's diabetic" and he does nothing to control it. Now, my older brother who was also living with my mom but has passed used to be her primary caregiver. Both brothers have been addicts and my younger still goes to the clinic for methedone. He gets his butt up for that.
Now me, 52, I live with my husband, work full time, am going to school to have a better career and make more money so I can one day semi retire but still work from home since I'm behind the 8 ball in that respect due to an earlier divorce. I was a stay at home mom during that time. What do I do? My youngest is 18, he's in college, my oldest 25, he graduated and is working. I use my precious days off to complete assignments for school that would normally be given a week to do but I cram them in best I can so I can hurry and be done College.
My mom calls to call and ask for help and I don't have time to wipe my own butt. And I feel guilty because I'm the most RESPONSIBLE of all the kids in the family.
We do have 1 angel of mercy, my deceased brothers' best friends wife who consider my mom their mom. But I feel guilty everytime my mom calls me, and I'm usually at work and I tell her I can't help I'm working. AND in this equation, I am the only one actally working. My older out of the picture sister works but she has her own issues.
My mom on a constant basis tells me about how quiet it is at the house because of my brother dying and my handicapped sister is sad. Honestly I've made peace with my brothers death. He abused his body with drugs and was on methedone when he passed. My mom is still blaming the physician and she is acting the same as when my dad died. It had to be someones fault.
Now my mom is concerned with paying for future funerals for my sister(fine with me) and my loser brother that leaches off her since he was a kid (not fine in my opinion) I refuse to go over there because I detest my brother and I don't even want to speak to him he makes me so angry. I've told my mom this, and she says that's not fair. But she's the enabler and allows him to be there, eating all her food and doing nothing around the house. The boxed christmas tree is still downstairs. And on top of this, HE brought bedbugs into the home bc of public transport to the clinic. Now I can't really in good conscience go in that house and risk my own. She's had it treated, but they returned because he brought it in again. Its since been treated.
She gets all depressed and calls me, but what can I do, she is letting this happen and if I say anything about my brother she gets mad and says we can't change that.
What do I do. I have to have a career, I put my life on hold for kids now I'm getting all this, and I don't care what anyone says, you can't free yourself from guilt. Especially from moms. Someone tell me something I can do.
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The Brother, well yea we can only hope right?
1. Hire someone to get that home fumigated NOW
2. Hire a Home Health Care Giver NOW
3. Call anyone who has control over the elderly care in your County. Explain to them what is going on. Get someone with authority into that house SOON and they will make sure your mother is properly cared for.
4. You have already made up your mind that your education and work is best for you and your family. You obviously have made up your mind that you will not be the caregiver.
5. Put your brother out of your mind. The one living there "sucking" off your mom.
6. Explain to your mom, what you are doing. If she knows you are serious, she may make her own move to get her son in order. You are not responsible for her decisions. If she is incapacitated, then you are even more responsible for reporting this abuse.
Take a deep breath and get this done. Let us all know how it turns out. Others may have better suggestions for you. God Bless you
My brother gets assistance because hes "disabled" NOW. Before he was just not working. He goes to clincs for methedone and what other things ail him all on our country's dime. Don't get me started. But he does buy some food, but it's HIS food. What my mom buys is Everyones I guess. He pays nothing to my mom. She buys him cigarettes and gives him money for transportation too.
I don't know how she would take to protective services getting into the picture but I will tell you, it wouldn't end well. She claims my brother who is a MAN in all respects except mentally, had ADHD or some Autism that was never caught , because it didn't exist or didn't have a name when we were young, so she blames herself and ultimately makes herself responsible for him. He's a leach. You grew up and took drugs of your own volition, now you're going to pull the autism adhd card? How did you last until your 40's get married have 2 kids, divorce then end up in my moms house again. Makes me sick.
Now because I don't go over there much because of all that, everytime I do go I can't get out of there unless i've spent like 3 hours there. And nothing gets done. It's depressing because she should be able to afford to have someone come in if she didn't have to be embarrassed with her surroundings and her current unwilling to work tenent.
I am the person of which would be able to discharge any money to my brothers, now brother. As my mom knows what a large sum of money would do to him.
Advanced Directive:My Deceased brother and I were the ones to make medical choices for her, but he is deceased so she wants this changed.
I am the executor, and she named my deceased brothers best friend as substitute. In case of an issue. Good choice imo.
Because as long as you have POA you can't just walk away. Pity.
Though as long as your mother has capacity, you also don't have the authority to make financial decisions on her behalf.
So at the moment, as things stand, you have a whole heap of responsibility without power. Which is Not Fair.
Not that I don't respect you for being willing to stand up and be counted, but just a reminder: you can always resign POA. In your position I'd be very tempted.
How do you see things going on from here?
Yes i think i am angry with my mother for allowing my younger brother to take advantage still and she allows it. But hes so fat and his diabetes is uncontrolled, and he now suddenly feels the need to know everything i talk to my mom about, so he extracates himself from the sofa to come listen. Too little too late and his brain is f--ked up by drugs. Imo. Anyway i finally had to be firm with my mom last November when my eldest sister ended up in the hospital with a heart attack and uncontrolled diabetes and i had to say "mom no, you cannot ask me to be responsible for her too" . plus my sister is antisocial and called me once last year. Our family is so screwed up but what it comes down to is 2 drug addicts and my mom who turns a blind eye bc its easier.
IShe used to ask me to food shop and i said i really can't mom. I told her to use delivery. I would if my husband didnt do this chore. She sits at the computer anyway, but she said it takes to long. Why is my time less valuable than hers? I work full time retail in a job i hate as a manager, 50 hours a week, my time off is precious, my husband does our food shopping because he knows i hate it and its because im on my feet all day and the last thing i want to do is walk more. I've already been to the vascular dr and my surgery was declined by insurance. Ive also gone to the foot dr for other issues.
Why is it that i can see that i would prefer to downsize the mountains of crap in my life yet she has our childhood home and tons of crap. She has knee and varicose veins and her ability to walk has diminished, she has to constantly pee and her house is a split level with stairs. She wants knee surgery but they won't do it without getting veins taken care of first. She's 82. She can't live in that house but she won't let anyone help her sell it because she worries about my loser brother being homeless. I just shake my head and i know who will end up doing the dirty work with all the crap and the house when the time comes.
Your mother's demands aren't at the very extreme end of the spectrum: the trouble is that your schedule is - quite rightly - already too full to accommodate them. So she will need to look elsewhere for help, and she would need less help if *she* dealt with *her* issues. Her adoptive "second daughters" so to speak are free agents: be grateful for their input but don't feel beholden because of it.
I suppose what I'm emphasising is that at the moment your mother's issues are her issues and that's the way it should be. The power to resolve them is in her hands, which you already understand. I appreciate that you still feel bad for your mother, sorry for her problems, but you seem already to have a pretty good grip on the realities.
The realities are regrettable, but not within your power to alter. I know you have already got this. Perhaps if, every time you feel guilt, you remind yourself that what you actually feel is not guilt but regret for your mother's sorrows it might help to restore perspective.
Do you also feel angry with your mother, though? How do you feel about your late brother's relationship with the family?