How to step back?
I have been caring for my father for the past 3 1/3 years. Thankfully he lives at his own home with caregivers 5 days a week. But as everyone knows there is so much more to it. Throw in the fact that he is very demanding. My biggest personal issue is that I completely resent caring for him, taking him to appointments, paying bills, managing the aides and the house. Cooking, shopping and listening to his constant complaints. The constant phone calls. All this from a father whose biggest priority in life was himself. I wonder how I ended up in this role.
So anyway, he had a very significant fall several weeks ago, suffered a brain bleed and now needs surgery to drain fluid from his brain. My siblings and I have arranged for him to go to a very lovely assisted living facility right from the hospital and he will live there. The problem is we keep telling him he can’t live alone but he doesn’t want to hear it. He won’t be happy once he realizes he’s not going home.
When I say he won’t be happy, his MO has always been to throw a tantrum until he gets his own way. The facility says they can handle that.
Frankly I’m so sick of everything and I don’t want him coming home because I don’t want to do this anymore. My life revolves around him, this is not how I envisioned my retirement.
Ok so let me get to the point. Should things escalate and he insists on going home, how do I just say, “fine, but you’re on your own." I can’t do this anymore. He’s not capable of managing his medication, fixing his meals, etc. SAYING I don’t want to this and actually doing it are two different things.
Thanks for anyone who was kind enough to get through this!
26 Answers
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I think the best way to explain it is to tell you a bit of my situation and how I handle it.
Mom lives alone, shouldn't be, but it is beyond my power. I help out, a little, but with no power I can not, any longer put my all into this.
In the mornings, when I call mom, and she doesn't answer, I would go into a complete panic state, imaging her with broken bones , lieing on the floor. Not a fun place to be!
So now when I call, and she doesn't answer, my heart skips a few beats, I breathe, and tell myself, you did not cause this. This is not what you wanted. You did not make her old, you didn't even ask to be born!! So why is this my fault?
My mom enjoyed her retirement, why don't I get too? I should be able to, with I worry, without the continuous worry in back of my head. I deserve this, and so does my husband.
Who knows what is down the road in , mine and my husbands future, health wise. I am no longer going to ruin my "Today's" because of my family. I'm going to live in going to love and I'm going to be happy.
The stress of caregiving causes mental and physical health issues. I'm not going to allow, my family, to cause me health issues.
You, compartmentalizing "that crap" as best as you can, in the way you know you can. Everything works differently for different people. You can try mindfulness, meditation. Read up on FOG, fear obligation and guilt.
A person of faith or not read the "serenity prayer"
Life will get better!
I had a similar experience with my aunt. She has dementia and she cannot live on her own. I live out of state. My family lives closer to aunt. They expected me to give up my work and life to take care of aunt.
My aunt has a beautiful home that she moved to when she retired. BEAUTIFUL landscapes. I would never be able to afford that if I give up on myself to be her caregiver. Why should I?
Everyone made me feel like I was responsible for her and I had to fix it. I got her home care help and she got rid of them. I just stopped. Stopped showing up to help. I used to call, she never answered or had anyone call me back. I just stopped.
Aunt is still living alone, but was forced to get home care.
There is nothing you can do. He has home care. You have to go on with your life.
When I retire, I want a nice retirement like my aunt had, but won't be able to if I stop my life to be her caregiver.
Your situation is similar to mine. Long story short, I became my father's caregiver after my mom passed away many years ago. I did not have a happy childhood due to the verbal abuse from my father towards my mom and I. This continued on to adulthood. He is also very demanding. It started out with me just doing the house cleaning but as the years went on, his needs became greater because of a stroke he had many years before. Then I was not only cleaning but washing, taking to doctor's appointments, mailing bills, cooking or getting food for him and etc. He started falling and ended up in the swing bed twice. After a long and hard process, he is now in a care facility. He can longer walk or tend to personal needs and etc. Before going to the facility, we tried getting help in the home but it was not enough because of his condition. Even with him no longer at home, I'm still busy taking care of his bills and etc.
I know how you feel. I told the social worker at the hospital when he was in swingbed that I was unable to care for him 24/7. I told him the same thing and I know he resents me for it but I had to finally think about myself. As others have said, caregiving takes a toll on you especially when the parent is difficult. I'm in counseling now for this. You have to take your life back, Do not wait too long like I did. What are his doctors saying at the hospital? If they are saying he can not live alone, tell them that you are not able to be his 24/7 caregiver. Please let us know how things turn out.
Like the others mentioned, mom had a great retirement. She moved away from kids and grandkids to enjoy her "golden" years. She moved back near her kids when dad died.
Be strong and make your life your priority.
This is no longer about choice.
Not your choice and not his choice.
That is number one and the family needs to stick to that. If you like, you can tell him to work hard for his recovery so he can return home. That will transition him a bit more slowly as this is a shock.
You yourself need to work on your thinking that you are responsible for his happiness.
He isn't a happy many and likely never was and that has ZERO to do with you and you can do nothing about it.
This is not a time for happiness but a time in loss. He will suffer and be unhappy for that loss and should be allowed to express it, but those who stand WITNESS have their own needs. And he should not be allowed a phone with which to badger those trying to handle a life after visiting.
You are going to need to make boundaries for yourself and protect them.
Again, this is not about choice. This is about loss. He has a right to mourn that, but he has no right to burden his family which is ALSO mourning his losses.
You know what must be done.
I am so very sorry. I know this is tough stuff, but you are going to need to be MUCH more self-protective if you are to survive this.
Do not throw your own body on the burning funeral pyre of your father.
No country on earth demands that anymore.
I'm going to tell you the phrase I've told them all and it usually puts the brakes on the stubbornness and demanding behavior.
'Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn'.
So, you tell your father this. You and everyone else needs to let him know that life in the AL is the good life and nursing home life is not. Let him know plainly that if he leaves the AL, he's on his own. That whatever the paid caregivers can't and don't provide, he will be doing without. Then when something even worse happens to him, assisted living won't be an option. It will be a nursing home and that will be a fact regardless of how violent a tantrum he throws.
Let me tell you something personal. It's the parents like ours who were abusive, narcissistic, selfish, gaslighting, bullies when they were young that expect their adult kids to make them the top priority of their life when they're old and needy.
He's not coming home from the AL. He lives there now and the sooner you truly accept this reality he will. When his verbal abuse, manipulation, and tantrums don't work on you anymore and he doesn't get what he demands he will acclimate to life in AL.
This cannot and will not happen if you pick up the phone ten times a day and give attention to his verbal abuse, threats, and demands to go home. It will not happen if when you visit, you allow tantrums, verbal abuse, and demands. If he acts up, that's when you get up and leave. You don't take phone calls every minute from him. You control when there will be phone calls and the tone of the conversation. If the demands start up, that's when the call ends.
I know what I'm talking about. If you were lucky enough to get him into AL, have a talk with the administrator and tell them they may have to involve the state because he cannot go home. You have to stay strong and not let yourself be manipulated by your father. It's tough to do because we've been conditioned all our lives by them. It's not impossible though.
Stay strong and don't give into his demands. You're doing right by him even if he doesn't think so. Remember that.
His temper tantrums are not your problem. He is old and unhappy. You didn’t cause that and you can’t fix that.
It won’t matter if he is having temper tantrums if you aren’t there to hear or know about them.
Also remember, a lot of them perform and act up for their relatives and they are fine at the facility when no one to perform for is there. Manipulative.
Has the doctor determined that he can not live in his house with the aides that are helping?
Has the doctor said that he is not competent to make this decision?
If you are POA and taking all this responsibility on you can step back and he can appoint another POA (If he is competent to do so)
If you are not POA tell him that you are not going to continue to do all that you have been doing. If yo make his doctor aware of ALL that you have been doing and that you are not going to continue then it is very likely that the doctor will say that he can not return to his house.
Dad has had a serious fall while I was out of the house (took him 1.5 hours to get back on his feet and then didn't tell me about it), ended up with a black eye the next day and told me that he didn't know how he got a black eye. I only found out because he told my siblings about it six months later. They've listened to dad telling them how well he's doing but I think they are beginning to realize what's really going on now. His medical notes say that he has "vascular dementia". This limits facilities that will consider accepting him.
My dad also is very demanding and negative. I've always been a happy person, but he has drained all of the joy out of life. I don't even think I am able to smile anymore. My sister has recently stepped up to help (I suppose better late than never). We are on our third facility hoping they can/will accept him.
My experience so far and recommendation is to begin the process with a facility to accept him. The admission director(s) have been more helpful than anyone with direction and advice. There is a lot of paperwork and gathering of medical records, etc. but I've only had to do it once because when one rejects us, they are happy to pass it all onto the next facility director. Please do this. Contact an 'admissions' person anywhere now. They will make you feel less inadequate & hopeless and encourage your efforts.
My dad's vascular dementia is the reason for rejection at the first two facilities. I am now attempting a memory care facility. He is considered "high functioning" (for now but will gradually decline in the future), but I think dad will freak out when/if he realizes it is a memory care facility. I don't care, but I'm also prepared to feel guilty about it.
I wish us both Good Luck.
I am daughter #1. I want to find my way back to 'happy'.
In my hubby's case, the doctors realized his kidneys had failed and he only had about 10 days to live. We got hospice and brought him home to die which he did about 5 days later.
You could see what arrangement the facility you pick can make, and perhaps paraphrase your call to 911.
So, he freaks out, so what? Distance yourself from him that way you can reman sane.
Myself, I have hardened my heart, become semi-selfish, and give a measured amount of time to others.
God, not me, "Calls the Shots"... I lean on that mantra and continue to lead MY life.
I'm seventy years old, shooting for eighty. I will not willingly spend that time suffering.
I won't apologize for this stance...many of us feel this way but society frowns upon speaking of it.
This life has been a series of challenges, that I've handled with compromise, NOT total submission.
Daughter 3, try some very sincere Prayer. For guidance... I'll do the same... Billy
I fully advise you to see a therapist (even if on Zoom) to help you navagate this process. Without the support you need the likelyhood of you possibly "helping" him to get home and make your like more difficult. You deserve a break.
Can you go on a vacation or block any calls you receive? Are you the POA? If so instruct the facilty that he is not to contact you. Only medical staff, SW, and administration will be able to correspond with you.
It is difficult but doable. You just need the support sytem to help you through it. I can't stress enough that you will need to distance yourself physically from him. Do not visit, no calls from him directly. Do not engage in the tantrums.
Good luck.
There's no point in you explaining because he isn't willing to see the truth of his situation. He's not capable of being reasonable.
Make the arrangements and tell social worker, or whoever, that you are no longer in a position to prop up your dad to enable him to live at home.
If he insists on going home, don't say "fine, but you're on your own...", as that sounds emotional and almost puts you in the wrong. At least, it could sound that way.
Simply say, "I am no longer able to work for you, as I need to take care of myself.”
That's the bottom line - you are doing almost a full time job in taking care of your dad, at the expense of your own wellbeing. That has to stop right now.
Step back. It's the right thing to do and what's best for all involved.
You do understand that “SAYING I don’t want to this and actually doing it are two different things”. Remind yourself that the object of this ‘cruelty’ is so that he won’t leave at all, or will turn around and go back when he finds that he is on his own. Plus the cruelty is to save your own physical and mental health.
I’d suggest that you work out your clear brief statement about what is going to happen, write it down and memorise it. When you start to waver, repeat your own statement – as many times as you need. He may well call the police etc if he finds himself on his own at home – so be ready to repeat your statement to them as well.
Don’t worry , Cranky Fellows ‘ can handle’ it.
I hope you get some good advice here for I have none.
I know it’s easier said than done to stop helping so much. I’ve kinda done this because I’m so tired of his “calling wolf” and constantly changing his mind on many things. So hard to help someone that doesn’t want help but needs it.
Good luck and 🙏🙏