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My grandpa is 94 years old and he has a super high sexual drive.This is very problematic because 1) my grandma died 19 years ago 2) My grandpa refuses to marry another woman but keep harassing (both orally and physically) caregivers we hired. Sex is almost the only thing he can think of everyday besides other basic needs. My dad is managing his money and gives him a small portion for daily expenses but he spends all the money right away on women.
He has most of the bad behaviors one might see in the elderly such as bad hygiene, abuse, etc., but his brain is clear most of time since he can read newspapers, watch TV, communicate with people normally.
His harassment to the in-house caregivers has driven away at least 20 of them and it becomes really hard to find substitutes. It's impossible to let him live alone because of his old age and serious heart conditions as well as stroke risks.
Me and my parents are desperate, any one has any idea of how to cope with it?

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Simple regarding the hired caregivers, hire male caregivers.
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We hired one male caregiver before, but it didn't end well. First of all, there's hardly any male caregiver not mentioning in house caregiver who can stay the nights. The male caregiver we hired was not willing to do anything, not even cooking, helping him going to bath and changing dirty bed sheet. And at the end, the male caregiver was caught stealing so we must fire him.
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There has to be more than one male caregiver out there. Keep looking.
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Bamboo, you've been through at least 20 caregivers. One of them was male. So you decide to hire 19 women and not try another male?? Put your order in right this second. Lay out the parameters on exactly what is expected and don't stop looking 'til you've found a guy.

In the meantime, explain to dad that if THIS caregiver quits, he's getting a guy named Leroy who weighs 300 pounds.
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Bamboo, if your grandfather needs a Caregiver, how and where is he spending all his money on women?
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He suffered from a stroke and paralyzed for a little shorter than a month 3 years ago. He recovered gradually and now he can walk and goes out everyday. I guess he probably can't function like young men but he certainly enjoys touching (That's how he spend his money on women, I guess).
My dad is the one who's living with my grandpa but he is still working and goes out of town all the time. My mom can't stand living with my grandpa alone. She said he's driving her crazy. My grandpa refuses to move to a nursing home and we certainly can't force him.
This is why we need some one to take care of his daily needs and stay with him at night in case he has emergency. About the male caregiver, we didn't give up but there's simply no one who wants the job but charge reasonably (We're not millionaires)
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My grandpa knows that my dad loves him unconditionally and will not abandon him, so he tried everything to drive away the nannies who have the courage to stop him from harassing. He accused them stealing, knocked at their doors at ridiculous hours (midnight or early morning) and yell at them all the time until he finally succeed. Same thing on the only male caregiver we hired.
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Then the problem is your dad. There are boundaries. It's up to mature adults to set them. Your family is allowing a 94-year-old man who most likely has dementia to control you all. What kind of sense does that make? Time for some tough love.
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MaggieMarshall, could you be more specific about tough love? I really want some tips.
My dad is the oldest son of five siblings and he's always taking responsibilities of the whole family. I think he's afraid if anything happens to my grandpa and there's no one around, he's the one to be blamed. I feel really sorry for him because he has suffered so much. And I'm also worried because my dad is 56 already and bad emotions might damage his health.
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56 is not old and sounds like Grandpa has been in charge of this family for a long time. I would suggest your Dad talk to Grandpa's doctor and ask him for assistance. The sex drive issue is probably related to his dementia and there are medications for both. I totally agree about boundaries needing to be set.

Grandpa is 94 and no one will be to blame when his life is over. To me, allowing this to continue is more unhealthy than someone deciding to be the adult and make those tough decisions to see that Grandpa is properly cared for and caregivers are safe. Good luck!
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There ARE male caregivers out there who are OK,, we had one for Dad until MOm got out of rehab. Not a perfect caregiver, but he got the job done! Try an agency... They may even have a lady who can handle this with no problem. I am in healthcare, and I deal with randy old guys all the time.. you just have to be upfront about what they will be exposed to... LOL. Good luck with this! And I liked the 300 lb guy idea!!!
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"He has ... knocked at their doors at ridiculous hours (midnight or early morning) and yell at them all the time until he finally succeed. Same thing on the only male caregiver we hired."

Obviously he doesn't want a caregiver. He wants to continue to manipulate his family. Your father must be exhausted from dealing with this controlling tactic, but I agree that he's going to have to deal with with his father, although he's between a rock and a hard place as GF is creating a situation whereby your father is the only one who will tolerate him.

If he stops intervening but continues to care for him, he's just playing to Gf's game plan. And I'm sure GF would create an incident so that he could then blame your father for "abandoning" him.

I think I would try to find a sex therapist or even psychiatrist to determine if he really has a problem or if he's just using this tactic to harrass the female caregivers. He must get a tremendous amount of control from manipulating them and making them so uncomfortable (and/or disgusted) that they quit.

If he doesn't and it's just controlling behavior, your father cant tell him that he needs to behave civilly or, regardless of his desires, he'll end up in a facility. But honestly, I think this manipulative game is so ingrained that I don't think your father has much of a chance for reasoning with him, and I really don't know what the solution is but I do feel sorry for what you and your family are going through.
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Last paragraph, first sentence should read " ...your father CAN tell him.."
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Grandpa's doctor needs to know about this. Sometimes medications can help this. He may or may not be demented but he is at least disinhibited. It is not just a "bad habit" that you can talk to him about. Does he have an insight at all into why caregivers have left? He may not, because, as often has to be pointed out to people not familiar with all types of dementia, reading the paper, watching TV, recognizing familiar people and conversing superfically just DOESN'T DOESN'T DOESN'T guarantee someone still has all their marbles.
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I recall something I've learned from watching law enforcement programs. Just as rape is not a sexual issue but rather a controlling one, I think that GF's alleged sex drive may be more a factor of control and POWER than sex.
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I think some of this harassment is part of that generation. There were times when my Dad would make a snide remark thinking he was being funny [sorry, Dad, not funny]. There were men who just didn't think women were their equal. Remember back when marriage vows said "I now pronounce you man and wife"? Today it is "husband and wife". Apparently that is still this gentleman's mind set.
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Thanks for your support, GardenArtist.
My manipulating yet long living grandpa is really a burden to my family. My dad's unconditional love for him and stubborness makes this worse. My dad leaves my mom alone at home and insists that he should live with grandpa (the 2 houses are 20 miles away) when he's in town. My mom comes over once a week. Basically there's no life of their own. They constantly fight over this annoying issue.
I'm the only child of my parents and I'm far away from them. My dad never told me anything about my grandpa's condition because he thinks it's embarrassing. My mom keeps complaining to me but I have to pretend not knowing in front of my dad because she is strongly against the idea of me talking to my dad about this issue (They'll fight for sure if I tell.)
I think I can only help if I find a drug or something to suppress my grandpa's sex drive.
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bamboo, open that can of worms and invite mom and/or dad to get on here with you! hypersexuality if it is not a lifelong mindset or pathology, deserves to be talked about and helped. Dad is probably worrying Grandpa will land himself in jail, and it could happen. This issue is not just annoying, your mom and dad could lose their marriage over it. If Grandpa is harassing Mom, Dad needs to know...rather than boil over with resentment for not knowing why she is not helping more. Mom tells you and says don't tell - not fair. I would vote for going ahead and being the scapegoat, i. e. Dad, there is something I need to tell you - Mom has been telling me and doesn't want me to tell you, but it needs to be told. You may not like this. Are you ready? Then Mom can say she didn't want to tell him and add to his burdens and pretend to be mad at you for telling. Those walls of embarrassment and silence that are preventing your family from dealing with a difficult but potentially remediable situation in a way that will let everyone have some peace and a decent life - they need to come tumbling down, and a good shove from you might just do it. MAKE SURE DAD UNDERSTANDS that hypersexuality is a medical, neurological symptom - albeit one that can land a person in a lot of trouble - neither just a bad habit or a stereotype or something to be ashamed of, not something the women he hits on are provoking in any way, NOR something to just be accepted and lived with by them or by him.
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Thank vstefans for your opinions, they're valuable to me. I almost opened my mouth talking to dad like 50 times, but every time I swallowed back because my dad always pretended he's doing very well. I will open the "can of worm" soon. My husband is in medical school and will soon become a doctor so my dad values his medical advice even more. Do you think I should involve him in the conversation? I'm also concerned that my dad might feel embarrassed more.
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That really is a great idea, have hubby read up on the latest in this area and both of you be there to talk. It could mean a small miracle for everyone...and a little education for hubby that might come in handy with his own patients some day.
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Sounds like the whole family needs to learn how to communicate. You do realize at some point you may be taking care of your parents. Now is the time to start having those serious conversations about what they want their future to be like.
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Thanks to vstefans, I've made up my mind to get involved directly. I just persuaded my mom to tell my dad that I'm aware of my grandpa's situation, and then I'll talk to my dad about solutions. I did some research and found there're actually some medicines which might help.
Keep my finger crossed.
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This touches home because I'm about to quit my job for caregiver because my pt cant keep his privates in his pants. He is 92...driving me crazy....i don't know how many more have gone thru but it's been 2 yrs of coming and going.
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Adult Protective Services or Adult Council on Aging in your area will be of great assistance.
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I agree with those who say speak with is doctors about this. Dementia affects people in different ways and hyper sexuality is not uncommon. Grandfather will probably feel better along wit hthe rest of the family if this constant desire is abated. It's one thing to feel desire and quite anotehr to have a compulsion.
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My GrandFather was the same way. After his son passed on-my dad, my mother tried for a few months to help him but his behavior could not be controlled. My mother went to our county's Public Guardian/Public Administrator's office. They took over my grandfather's welfare. His social security checks went to them and they saw to it that he was cared for and eventually placed him in a care home. This move takes out all the personal attachment. Your folks can still visit, etc. but he won't be pulling their strings anymore and the county will do what's best for him. There was not a monthly charge for this but probably will use the monies from the sale of his home (at some point) to pay costs incurred.
Every county should have a Public Guardian/Public Administrator's office might be through Elder Care or Adult Protective Services Agency. Hope you do seek out their services and bring some peace to your family.
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Hire MALE nurses! Problem solved.
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Is this really development of dementia, or was gramps always a pervert?
Someone making nasty comments or grabbing inappropriately may mean they have a sick inappropriate sense of humor and poor manners.

Why distinguish? If it has to do with meds or dementia, there may be a medical approach. A lifetime of bad behavior cannot be changed otherwise.
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Go to his doctor and ask for a prescription for Celexa which is a SSRI anti-depressant. His mood will improve and his sex drive will be greatly diminished. I had the same problem with my 90 year old husband. If the MD is not responsive, look for a clinic that deals with aging and that has a social worker you can talk to. I had to do this as my husband's primary care doctor was his nephew! He surely did not want to hear about his favorite uncle's sex life - I am chuckling now, but it was not funny then - I was so exhausted from no sleep, I was a walking zombie.

Only side effect we had was that it acted like a blood thinner and we cut back the dosage, but still were able to get the same effect after 6 weeks. Good luck!
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Tough love is when he starts making advances, you whack that erection with a wooden spoon. He will get the message. Sexual predators of any age should be firmly corrected. His brain is NOT clear and the sooner you realize that, the better.
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