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I've been thinking about this question since my Mom died, 8 months ago. I've come on this site now and then since Mom's death. I'm still very grief stricken, missing her so much every day. I see things written about the problems, the frustrations, the anguish that caregiving entails. I recall my own previous posts, asking for input on this, that, and the other. Hindsight is always an eye opener. I wish I would've done this better, and that better, been less impatient, had told Mom more often about what a great Mom she was to me, etc. etc. It goes on and on. Even though I mostly lovingly cared for Mom as best I could, I know now I could've done better. But at the time, going through the daily routine of caregiving, I was in the moment...just not aware of how suddenly it would come to a screeching halt (which happened in my scenario), and I would never get the chance for a "do-over." The finality is horrible. I want to grab her back. What would you think you would feel when your person is gone? Will it be relief? Freedom? Emptiness? Sadness? What do you think you may wish you could've/would've done differently? Maybe you could be lucky enough to do some of those things now, while you can, instead of thinking sadly, "if only I had her back for a little while longer."

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Thank you Braida for sharing that. I'm sorry your mom has passed. I'm going to heed your heart felt words. My mom is 76 & possibly half way through this, but I have no way of knowing for sure. I vow to do the very best by her while I can.
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I will probably feel lost and depressed for a while, but will keep going on. I think about Arnold's words in the movie "Torch Song Trilogy" after his partner Alan died. "It is easy to speak good of the dead. They do so little wrong." It is such a true statement, and we see it so often here on the site. When we think back on caring for our loved ones, we remember the times when we weren't perfect, but forget the special things we did for them. We caregivers are like that. With the stress we face each day, being more perfect is probably unrealistic. Braida, I have the feeling you did a super job as a caregiver. Perhaps you could have been more angelic, but we are only human.

I hope that soon you will have nothing but good thoughts about your mother and you at an earlier time of life. Hugs hugs and more hugs.
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I can't stop the inevitable... I will certainly feel a great loss as I have with the death of other loved ones..

BUT I have no regrets regarding my caregiving.. Mom is loved and respected by me and I KNOW I am doing my best...

It's my siblings who will have to answer to their conscious!!
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Somewhat glad but then I wont have her to argue with. Oh well I'll get over it.
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Well, I felt some relief when my mother died for her suffering was over, she had lived her life and I have my own life. From early childhood on, when she abandoned my dad, my mom wanted to absorb me into herself and not let me have a separate identity which my dad called her desire to raise me on a pink pillow which was polar opposite of his view of how to raise me. Even in my pre-teen and teen years, my mother was extremely intrusive into my life, but lost more and more control as I went to college which my dad paid for.

I do think that I will miss my dad more since we have a better relationship than my mother and I had. My dad always wanted me to an all American boy.
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My mother died in 1962 when I was ten. I felt cheated for a long time, but when I see the postings here, I know I was spared the long goodbye. In my mind she is still 37 and very beautiful.
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I think I'll feel sad and a little lost because it will be the end of a long era, losing someone who has been in my life without pause since the very beginning. It's hard to really even imagine her being gone. I can't say I love my mother or even like her much, but she's been a major presence in my life for my entire life. I think I'll have regrets no matter what I do. Not the kind of grief I feel about losing friends I dearly loved, but more a sense of unreality, as if the whole world is turning upside down. I didn't feel that way when my father died, but we were not very close and I wasn't his caregiver. It will be hard to go on, although moving on from this stage of my life has been my major goal since it started. Whether I treat my mother badly or well, it will still be really weird when she's not here.
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Same way I felt when my dad passed. Relieved I don't have to worry about them physically anymore and maybe a bit sad I could not get through to either of them on spiritual things, though I still have some time with mom. Hope that makes sense.
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I've thought about this a lot lately, in the wake of my uncle's death. My relatives are aging around me, and it's hard to watch them go. I moved back home to MI in 2002, and since then, we've lost my grandmother (Mom's mother), my aunt (Mom's sister and only sibling), my Dad, my Dad's brother (my favorite uncle), and my other uncle just last week (Mom's sister's husband). I have no grandparents or uncles left, and only one aunt. I have cousins and distant cousins, of course, but it just seems that all the close relatives are passing so quickly.

It's got me thinking about how I'll deal with Mom's passing. It makes me tear up just thinking about it, and I know it will be hard. Probably harder than Dad's passing, though that was difficult too. We kids didn't have a typical relationship with our dad and his passing brought closure to a lot of issues, but also left a lot more unanswered questions. Her ashes will be placed where Dad's were when he passed, per her wishes, so that part will be especially hard.

I'm sure I'll be pretty lost for a while, and I'll have regrets about the times I got frustrated with her or had to be stern with her in order to get her to shower, etc. But you know what....I will have far fewer regrets than those who didn't step forward to care for her or only stop by to see her once a month or so. I know I'm going to have a hard time at her funeral when everyone says, "You know, I should have come to see her more often (or at all)..." I'll really have to bite my tongue not to let them have it with both barrels. I think that's the hardest part of caregiving, is watching everyone around you just ignore your loved one, like they don't exist anymore - then when they pass away, everyone comes to the funeral and says how much they loved them.
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I lost my dad when I was 29 years old. Being in the doctors office with him when he found out he had cancer both breaking down in tears, immediately being admitted to hospital, then deciding not to do treatment because it would possibly only give him maybe 6 months if he survived. We had him about a month with a week at home. With three kids, we took turns staying with him and our mom and step dad helped out while we worked if none could get off to be there. He passed on my watch, I realized he quit breathing. Oh lord I cried for a while and now remembering it again years later. Time does heal things though. You still have those moments. My daughter will only know him through photos.

My mom and step dad are not needing care currently and hoping they are able to live and enjoy their life and grandkids as long as they can, both in their mid 70's.

My Father in law that is living with us and i know will be really hard on my husband when he passes. He wants to live another 8 years to be 90. He is currently not doing well and actually admitted to hospital last night. My husband is stressed and worried. My husband lost his mother same year I lost my dad.
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My husband & I lost both ou Moms and my Dad all w/in 14 months, 11 years ago. It wa a really tough time for us both having been so involved in their care at the time, we we run ragged, still needed by our 4 kids, all young adults, and both working at the time. Immediately, his Dad moved in w/us, he then got Lymphoma dx, went through Chemo, X 17 months, and we both didn't feel we ever had appropriate grieving time with trying to normalizing our lives, and adjusting to FIL living w/us. But all in all I feel we did an amazing job looking after our parents, and stupidly "promised" his Dad, could live w/ forever, and try our best to keep him out of a nursing home or assisted living. Now we are struggling w/ what to do as his Narcisistic is declining both mentaly and physically, and having our own health challenges as well. My husband especially is very stressed and short tempered, and worried about US, and trying to figure out how to get our lives back! Resentment is building big time. He was not the best of fathers, so different from my own experiences growing up. It took a long time to grieve, but no regrets, I doubt it will take long to get over FIL's death, I hope I don't go to H*LL for saying that, but he uses typical FOG behavior to try to control our household, and it is getting OLD!!! There, got that off my chest!!! I miss my parents terribly, wish I had had them longer and instead, they were Awsome!!! Stacey B
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you only speek good of the dead if he was your enemy .
ie ; " hes dead -- GOOD !! "
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Some of us are lucky enough to have had parents who were kind and tender. Some of us were physically, sexually, and emotionally abused instead. I've been told my parents would both have been in jail for what they did to my brother (deceased now) and me, even back in the old times when justice in family matters was less. I watch after my mother in her ALF because I feel it is my duty. When she passes away, I hope it's a peaceful death. I will work to ensure a proper funeral in her home town. My duty will be complete. I have no anticipatory grief regarding her. As for my father who passed away several years ago, I do not grieve for him. I miss my dog more. It's just how it is.
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Sophe, thank you for bringing that up. I've often said that many people think that *everyone* should care for their parents in their old age - that we "owe" it to them, because they gave us life. Unfortunately, those same people think everyone had Ward & June Cleaver for parents, which is not the case. Not at all.

Dad's death was difficult because, like yours, he should have been imprisoned for what he did to us kids - if the truth were known. We were forced by our mother to stay together as a family, which meant staying with our abuser. How sick is that? I love my mother - don't get me wrong - but some days I wonder if she stayed with him out of strength or weakness. I know the reason she *tells* me she stayed, but I still wonder. We all loved our father, regardless of his actions, because he was our father, but it was a completely unnatural and difficult love - I don't know how else to describe it. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim loves the abuser - but it was forced on us by our mother, and all of us kids left home as soon as we possibly could. We know now that he was a victim himself, his whole childhood was a terror of abuse - he bore the brunt of his father's drunken rages and his mother's mental illness. But like us, he loved and cared for his parents til the day they died.

When he died, all the answers to our many questions went with him. We had forgiven him long before his death, and he had apologized many times for his actions. Mom's passing will be difficult, but for different reasons than Dad's was. I miss Dad because he was a font of knowledge about all things mechanical, and as the sole caretaker of my parents' home now, I have questions that only he can answer. I don't miss the man he was, what he put us through, or the scars he left on our lives forever. I will miss my mother when she is gone, as well, but it will be different than with my father.
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I think that I will feel like a failure. But then I feel that way now, even though I am doing everything I can for my mother with Alzheimer's. I have struggled through so much, cheated death, defied the odds, and then just to see my mother suffer like this, losing her identity. I have seen death, I known unfair death, but death like this, one drop at a time, as they slip away hour by hour from Alzheimer's Disease. It is so cruel. I understand the need to view death as a part of life. Believe it or not, I used to also be a very religious person, but now... I have this faith, but it is like a dim, flickering night light. It is there, but... this is so cruel to our loved ones. I am sure God has a purpose. I just can't understand why he couldn't have achieved his purpose another way. This cruel Alzheimer's Disease attacks your soul. I have accepted loss, I guess, just not death yet. I have accepted the loss of my 84 year old mother with Alzheimer's. I have accepted the loss of my own future. But I won't accept the loss of the next generation, and that's where I hope we could make a difference with what we have left. Our parents and the baby boomer generation, we are probably beyond hope to this cruel disease. Our children shouldn't be beyond hope. We need to demand a priority in medical research for AD, not for our parents and even not for us, but certainly we don't want our kids to suffer this cruelty. We need to stop asking for real funding for medical research and start demanding it.
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jeffrey, I think you are being far too hard on yourself to consider yourself as a failure when you can doing everything you can for your mother. Unfortunately none of us can fix this terrible disease nor can we make our parents live forever. My dad has it plus Parkinson's and he is rapidly declining at age 89 which no one in our family has ever lived to. I wish you well in your journey.
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I truly don't understand why anyone could feel like a failure in caregiving a loved one. There is only so much any one person can do and we certainly can't be so arrogant to assume it is within our power to heal the sick or elderly. You love them, keep them safe and well cared for and yes, maybe we grieve when they die.

In my own family, I see those that grieve the longest usually have some sense of regret; be it real or imagined (usually imagined). I've heard "we should have changed doctors, if only we went to another hospital, maybe this, if only that". Just makes me shake my head in disbelief.

Life is a gift and we all have only so many days and how we leave or when is not up to us (normally). So enjoy your life, be kind to others and realize that it is not all about you and your feelings!

Those of you who continue caring for family who were cruel and abusive to you are true testaments to how we are to love each other.
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My father passed a few weeks ago. I have had many mixed emotions regarding his passing, and I just let them flow over me and not judge. I live with my parents and dad actually started declining after he got a pacemaker/defibulator (sp?). So I really miss the man he was before he got sick. I feel relief, that he is no longer suffering. Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer and was supposed to have surgery. as surgery date drew nearer he told my mother he just didn't have the energy to go through it. Mom supported him and he was transferred onto a hospice floor but passed even before actual hospice services began. I think he was an incredibly brave man to choose not to have the surgery. but I remember feeling rage (at the situation not him) when he made the decision. I know there are things Mom and I could have done better but we were really overwhelmed for the last 6 months he was ill. I am also a grad student so we were really bombarded. Please don't beat yourself for "not doing things better." My mother and I learned as we went along and we just did the best we can. we were like you, "in the moment" because there is no time to analyze what you are doing. My condolences on your mother's passing. What a wonderful gift you gave her in her final years.
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I will miss Mom, but I know I will have a tremendous sense of relief. I find myself thinking sometimes about how quickly I will be able to get her things out of my house after she passes, not because I'll be glad she's gone, but because I'll be so anxious to start a life for me. I have learned and continue to learn a lot during this caregiving experience. I think it's made me a better person in some ways and I'm glad I could do it for Mom. It's made me realize that growing old is hard not only for the person but also for family.
You never know what you have until it's gone and the one thing caregiving does is take away your freedom. I look forward to having my freedom. To come and go as I please with no more worry. Yes, I will miss Mom, but I look forward to a new day for me.
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My mom died on Monday, after declining for the last two years. She would have turned 86 on 3/27, I had moved both of my parents from the city they lived in to be closer to me. Several things were good. I own a condo on the third floor and I rented them one on the first floor - right below me. They had their space, but I didn't even have to go outside to see them. My dad is in good health - my mother had multiple issues. I was so lucky that they both were very intelligent and only small memory issues seem to effect them.
I have a supportive job and thank goodness to FMLA - could take time off when needed. I worked less than a mile from home so I could get there quickly. Overall, good situation - but still tough to go through.

My biggest issue is that I need to talk about the final day - in detail - to someone, but everyone wants to give advise, or tell me not to feel guilty. I don't feel guilty. I know I gave my mom all I could. I had reached the point where I was ready to get back to my life. She was afraid of dying, so she held on longer than most people would have and then she started having night terrors fairly regularly.
Everyone asks if she died peacefully. Not even close - which is why I need to talk about it. She fought right to the end.

I have finally emailed a good friend and made and appointment to talk. She is the best listener I know. I let her know what I need - so she is prepared for everything.
I am hoping that helps to slow down the tears. They come when I least expect them.
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I love my parents, but in all honesty it will be a huge relief when they are gone. There's barely any quality of life for them now, just the daily struggle of illness, meds, mobility, dementia and so on. I find my self wondering who will go first and how on earth I'll be able to deal with the surviving parent. They have no one left but me to deal with their care and end of life arrangements. I have no axe to grind with my folks. Compared with all the horror stories Ive read here, my folks were pretty good parents. My two sibs never managed to have productive lives. Until their early deaths in recent years they both created nothing but stress and heartache for my family. My caregiver role actually started 30 years ago helping my parents deal with my sibs screwed up lives. For my whole adult life I've been the only competent and responsible member of my family. I'm dreading the difficult times ahead for my mom and dad, but I will continue as "the good son" till the end. And I will miss them both.

PS. I'm hoping I can out live them!
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Both of my parent's are gone; Dad passed away in 2002, Mom 2007. When my mother passed, I felt, well, like an orphan: a middle-aged, happily married, with a much loved sister & BIL, niece, nephews - orphan. I've gotten over that feeing but I still miss them everyday.
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For me, it was all of the above. The feelings of grief start building during the years of memory loss prior to the parent's passing.

I learned that it was not healthy for me to deny the grief, or try to pretend it wasn't important.

The best advice I found was from the booklet "Experiencing Grief" by H. Norman Wright. In the middle of the booklet he drew a simple illustration of what happens when a person is in "denial" of the grief in their heart. All sorts of bad feelings sprout from that person's denial, and it can end up hurting the people around them.
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My parents are still here but my husband lost both of his and I ask him how he feels sometimes. He misses them especially his Dad. We lived too far away to provide much in the way of care but we visited as often as we could and my husband kept phone contact.When his Dad was dying the siblings and spouses were all in the room and in the very end it was my husband who his Dad called to hold his hand. He loved his parents and they knew it, he has no regrets.
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I miss my parents and always will. They gave me life. The greatest gift of all. I mourned each of them before they died because of their suffering before dying of cancer. I treasured the moments we shared even through the suffering and was glad I was there.
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Relieved. Utterly relieved. I've done this for a decade and I'm beyond burned out. I'm ready to blow my brains out to tell the truth. I can't WAIT to get my life back. Sadly for me, that doesn't appear to be happening any time soon.
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Hard to know for certain, but probably both sad and relieved. I think it will depend on the exact circumstances around her death, too.
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I think about this as well and have been experiencing grief while watching her drift away. Sometimes in my dreams I go through deep crying because in waking life I have to build a wall or I won't function. Sometimes I look at her now as a great teacher to me and I'll probably cry more when I remember all the lessons of patience and gratitude that she has taught me. There has been tremendous healing (healing within a disease...crazy!) and understanding through this experience. To love someone who can't love you back, at least not it the way you think you need to be loved, has brought me to a deeper understanding and experience of love.
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I am not sure how I will feel because I never experienced death of a close person... my grandparents, aunts and uncles I only saw once a year at holiday time. I never really KNEW them compared to those who had relatives living in the same town.

My biggest fear is which parent would be the surviving spouse.... Dad [93] would be happy as a clam living in a tent in my backyard.... my Mom [97] wouldn't want to leave their large house, nor have anyone come in to help her except me, and I am too old for that now. I would probably have a nervous breakdown dealing with that situation.

Like someone else had mentioned earlier, I hope I can outlive them.
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Currently reading a book called 'Toxic Parents'. Very useful and informative. Would recommend it for a looooot of people here.
For mine, will probably be a mixed bag, hard to predict. She did pull a couple of stunts which, as someone else stated, would have put her butt in jail if it became known. However, as a single parent and no help from the other, I had no recourse, I had no idea what was normal, what was crazy. In some ways I won't miss her a bit, but I think eventually the good times will make me sad.
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