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By placing her in Assisted Living or the like so you can move on with your own life and not be holding in anger and resentment. Or dropping mom off at another siblings home so they can have a turn. Otherwise, the resentment just keeps building up until you blow up and threaten your own happiness and peace of mind.
For me, I left my mother, because I educated myself and found that she’d been covertly abusive to me, long before she might need any care. Even though my sister was receiving a free house, just doors from our mother and had been mostly absent for decades, while I’d always been the present child, this infuriated her. Now that mom’s gone, my sister feels entitled to the entirety of the estate.
The reality is that nothing’s never even and this is so, particularly, when you have a triangulating, narcissistic parent.
Dependent upon where you live, it is possible to leave the situation entirely and let your parent become a ward of the state, rather than to allow them to take over and destroy your life and future. There are, however, some states that have filial responsibility laws and will take a percentage of your pay to care for your parents, up yo a certain age (your age) so, check your local laws. Because I can see situations where you have an abusive parent, who may have been rotten your entire life — but the court does not care about that. The court is more about families staying together, than whether they kill one another.
Your profile says you have no regrets on the living arrangements. So the answer lies in using adult daycare services and respite services for more frequent breaks. Add some outdoor walks and maybe a counselor. An angry caregiver is no good for mom or you
Why are you taking care of her instead of assisted living, memory care, or another sibling? Getting to the root of why you took her in might provide understanding about why you are angry.
Just read your profile. You mentioned that you don’t have any regrets about being a caregiver for your mom.
You also say that you are frustrated at times. You and your husband had hoped to travel together in your retirement.
Perhaps, you bit off more than you can chew. None of us knew exactly how hard caregiving would be until we experienced it firsthand.
It’s okay to admit that this situation is becoming too difficult for you to handle on your own. You have very little help from other family members.
Your mother is 93, has mobility issues and is incontinent. That’s a lot to deal with.
Have you considered looking into assisted living for her? Then you can oversee her care as her advocate. You can make travel plans with your husband as you had planned on doing.
Going into assisted living or memory care (because of wandering) thoughts: Start looking at places and make sure they allow 1. Camera surveillance in your mom’s room-this will show you her routine and the care she is getting. 2. Don’t expect her to be social-get her a companion. My mom does so well with a one/on companion who comes in 4-5 hours a day 7 days a week. This companion began as my friend whom I introduced to her and we visited. I gave the woman enough background so she could relate to mom who struggles with using words but understands words. Then she “visited” mom on her own. She brings mom coffee, she paints her nails, she fixes her hair. Mom is resistant to shower help from the staff so I told mom I asked “friend” to help her and canceled the help of the aides. Mom was relieved. 3. Don’t pay for the extra care because they.will.never.do.it. Reasons will be staffing, your mom refused, short staffed. They will still take your money and not do the job. I have had mom in 3 places 2 had cameras. The one without the camera was wonderful for 2 months and then deteriorated. I was there and found mom had to leave; it was that bad. However, the place has great reviews and supposedly won awards! I found the last place through Seniorly.com. I tried a place for mom but it was not as good AND the follow-up phone calls were frequent. Mom is in her bubble of bliss. She has care, private help with the friend and a couple of her friends who work the weekends. I scheduled her friends for 2 meals. Lunch and dinner and they put her to bed after mouth care and eyedrops and lotions. I see the other residents and they are lost. They need the cueing and the patience and the friendly smile and touch. Even the ones without a mind. My heart was so sad that mom was in the awful place as long as she was but I am somewhat comforted that she had one/one support 4-5 hours a day. Now, I can look at her room (she thinks it is a speaker) and see her smile when someone comes in to check on her. See her routine of a night snack (animal crackers from the frig) and also her stressful movements (rocking back and forth). Those times, I drop in with Alexa Show and just distract her with familiar stories and love. I am her daughter and advocate.
40% of caregivers DIE before the person they are caring for. The rest end up physically, mentally, and often financially broken from caregiving. Holding anger is like drinking poison.
If you want to be the best caregiver AND survive, you need to establish boundaries that will protect your physical, mental, and financial health. These boundaries can change as YOU need them to.
Examples of boundaries would be moving mom to assisted living, hiring outside help for mom's care needs, sending her to a day program, and/or hiring outside help for your needs.
You don't mention what your mother is demanding, but you need to draw a line between true needs and frivolous whims. For example, you do not need to function as her live-in psychologist or entertainment committee. Even though it might be tempting, don't do things for her that she can still do for herself.
It is often said on this forum that caregiving must be done on the caregiver's terms, and that the person needing care doesn't get to call the shots.
I heard up to 60% of caregivers die before those they care for.
Thing is, I would guess that, for many, it’s a question of money. Who’s paying for assisted living, etc., when both the caregiver and the care recipient have not nearly what it costs? And that’s probably the biggest reason caregivers often stay.
But, although I’ve not actually been a caregiver, I was almost tasked with it, a few times and, for some of those recipients, including my mother and a neighbor, I very well realize, that care means being trapped psychologically, emotionally, and financially, with someone who either is or isn’t actually demented, yet still trying to destroy you. They are are supported by outsiders, with you being the sacrificial lamb. When a caregiver starts to think of what they’ll do, in regards to their own income, health, retirement and eldercare, the horrific indications are that all of that is being provided to the current recipient.
Another source of anger is that some recipients either never had or cancelled their long term care or other retirement options, because they felt entitled to free care from others, which not only includes family, but neighbors (been there). It should be noted that, at least from what I’ve seen, people who retire or even retire early (younger), can lose complete track of the idea that others are still out earning a living, typically, because they know they must. Nevertheless, a recipient may have no empathy for that and, if narcissistic, may only see the caregiver as an object which provides needs and wants and nothing else.
I feel sorry for caregivers in these circumstances. There are sooo many implications that cannot even be covered here. I, myself, have had to escape caregiving situations, which can become quite abusive. Situations not simply with family, but with a neighbor who decided I had no option, but to be her caregiver. You must think, as best you can that, if you’re going to be a caregiver, while painfully difficult, you have to try to maintain boundaries, to keep yourself alive.
My advice to any caregiver who is having to "cope with anger" overmuch is that they understand that in home 24/7 caregiving is no longer an option for him/her. It's time for placement and a return of the caregiver to being a son, daughter, spouse or other loved one, rather than the director of care.
This emotion should serve as a warning sign to step away so that the person who is being cared for can receive proper care, as well as caregiver finding peace in their life.
Because ur POA does not mean u also need to be the caregiver. POA is a tool. It gives you the ability to watch her money so its there for her care. Does not mean ur at her beck and call. You have the ability to hire people on her dime.
Mom is in your home and your rules. She now needs u more than you need her. If shevis capable to do for herself, then she does it. Do not enable her or disable her. If she criticizes, you say nicely "Well Mom, this is the way I do it. If you can do it better, than feel free." Does she act like a child in her demanding, then treat her like one of your children. Say to her what u would to a child. "Mom I will do that after I am done this". "Mom I just sat down will do it when I get up again". "Mom, u can do that yourself". She is not your priority.
As caretakers we want to try and do it all, but this can become unmanageable. Once this happens it's time to plan for facility care. For now perhaps getting some help at home to give you breaks. Practice strategies for keeping calm like breathing deeply, walking away for a few minutes, call a friend or family member to let it out. Keep in mind that she can't help her behavior because her brain is broken. Good luck.
Anger is a common but difficult emotion for caregivers. A related emotion is often guilt (over the anger). As others have said, this isn't healthy for you -- which you know or you would not have sought advice on the topic. You might consider the Powerful Tools for Caregivers program which is generally offered for free (in person in some communities but available virtually as well). It is a 6 week commitment (once per week). The focus is really on providing better care for yourself so that you have the stamina to do this work. Dealing with difficult emotions is covered as is communication (including boundary setting and communicating with other family members about care needs) and a host of other topics. A pretty powerful book is included with the program.
In 2012, the PTC program was recognized by the Administration on Aging as having met its highest level criteria for evidence-based programs. You can find more information here: https://www.powerfultoolsforcaregivers.org/ and a schedule of classes here: https://www.powerfultoolsforcaregivers.org/class-type/caregiver-classes/
You are not alone. Anger, grief, guilt, depression....all are common on this journey. But there are things that you can do to help. The class might be a first step.
I've also found this free book helpful: https://thubtenchodron.org/books/working-with-anger-free/
So sorry to hear.My husband and I took care of his folks for about 8 years.Mobility diabetes cancer and dementia.By the time we were almost divorced after 45 years of marriage. The anger and the guilt had overwhelmed both of us.We never took it out on them but we took it out on each other.Nobody in the family willing to help.So we hired a nurse and we moved to save our marriage.My husband went through therapy.Istill deal with the guilt for leaving.In the beginning you caregive with all your heart but as time goes on it can consume you.Definately not an easy task.
I’m sorry you are going through this but I completely understand. My father is the same way. He does not live with me but before being placed in the swing bed, I was his caregiver along with help. The best way to handle this is to set boundaries. I had to learn this! This forum and counseling has really helped me. I stopped letting him dictate. He is the type that wants you to do what he says when he says and I did this years and it broke me. I’m just now beginning to pick up the pieces and it’s tough. Try explaining to her that she lives with you and that you are doing the best you can try to care for her and yourself.
Why is she not in adult daycare (which she pays for) during the week?
Also, Medicare pays for up to two weeks of respite care a year in a care facility so family caregivers can get a break. So you both can take a vacation if you want to.
No one has to become a care slave to another person. Everyone wants to do right by the people we love. However, when the care needs of the 'loved one' get to a point where they've taken over your life and home that's usually when it's time to consider placement in the appropriate care facility to meet these needs.
I am dealing with a controlling mom too. She wants to continue to have control til the end. My mom was always controlling since I was a little kid. I have to walk away sometimes. She behaves like a spoiled child if she doesn't get her way.
My mom moved in with us and I find myself needing “quiet time” after work or after certain things throughout the day. When I start to feel the anger or frustration, I take an inventory and realize I need a break and then tell her and my husband that I need “quiet time” and I go lay down in bed. When I am laying there I will scroll Facebook, listen to an audiobook or watch a show on my phone and zone out for an hour or so in order to decompress. It actually really helps. Yesterday I did not take any “quiet time” after work, thinking I could handle it, and it backfired. I blew up at my mom over something stupid and it really made me realize how important it is.
oh and Xanax helps me too, but I try to leave that as a last resort because I love it so much.
Also, when my mom is constantly hollering for me and I am busy I will ask her “is it an emergency?” in order to gauge the situation before I drop everything to deal with her.
When they are in a facility, who takes them to the Doctor and does their laundry (I've heard that if the family doesn't do the laundry, items get lost or destroyed). I feel that I'd spend more time running to the NH than I do running to her house.
Join some caregiver supports groups. It really helps to be able to vent on a regular basis to people who get it.
Also, you could consider individual counseling or anger management for yourself.
it’s really hard not to be resentful and angry when you are doing the best you can, yet you are being made to feel you aren’t doing enough. Age old techniques like counting to ten, scream into a pillow, step away for a bit can help too.
if it just becomes too much, then yes, you may have to consider hiring in home help or facility placement, so you can get your life back.
I used to remind myself that, "Yes, sometimes you can be angry with the person you are taking care of." You can usually manage not to take it out on them, but don't beat yourself up for your feelings. Try to make the best of it or think of it like some kind of crazy sit-com and carry on.
We all need to remind ourselves of what you are saying. I just got off the phone with my mother, 95, and it was very frustrating because my husband and I are doing our best to accommodate her wishes, pay for everything but her rent at the AL,
busiacaregiver: One way to let go of the anger you're feeling is for your mother to go into a managed care facility. Do NOT let it get to burnout stage.
Might be best to spend a little time with a counsellor to get to what actually bothers you about your mother. If it is your mother's ongoing behavior, you will need to decide how long and how much of her difficult behavior you can accept. Having good boundaries can help. Try reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They have success in their counselling practice with helping people develop plans for dealing with problem behaviors.
I walk away. She is bedridden so I can do that and get the space I need to decompress. I also try to stay neutral- like Switzerland. Even though she is my mother, I try to keep emotional space when it comes to my caretaking duties. I have learned that getting angry just makes things worse and the emotional roller coaster is physically exhausting. Instead, I find some space for me and feel no guilt in likewise giving her space. I have regular paid help for several hours during the week and more and more I make sure I get out of the house when the help is there. I take breaks and pursue my interests as much as possible. I try to remind myself that she needs my help and really is not capable of understanding how lucky she is to live out her last years with family rather than in an institution. I still find moments of joy and look for more whenever I can. This is a tough time and a tough job and no one knows how, when or where it will end. For those of us doing it - we didn’t sign up for this. But for whatever our reasons, we have stepped up and filled a void of resources. Make a plan and be willing to change your plan if it becomes unworkable. You will know when that is the situation.
Hello Jem, I too take care of my 98 soon to be 99 year old mother. She has been with me for over 4 years now. I retired in Dec 2018 and she came to live with me after she had an accident and cracked her pelvis in March 2020. I try to make things as best I can for her, and I have help who comes in once or twice a week, but she then compares me to them. I am 72 years old and am having health issues too, but she thinks I should take care of her like the care takers do. I cook, clean, make beds, fix her medications and hand them out, help her shower, help her get her clothes on and handle taking care of my home, inside and out. I am getting worried now, because she is having issues getting up and out of her bed, or just moving around to get to the bathroom. I tried getting a external cathetor, but she refuses to use, so there I am getting up 2 or 3 times a night, in case she might fall. It is getting extremely hard, and there is no one to help me. Next step will be placing her in a home, because I do not want to hurt myself, as I have a bad back and arms. She says we can use the wheelchair, but how do we get her into the wheelchair and toilet???
It is your house, and as such, YOU alone make the demands, or as I like to call them, boundaries.
As a child free, I won’t have the luxury of having a kid care about me. In fact, even if there were, most wouldn’t have the elder living with them vs placing them. Especially if you are now a “younger elder” yourself.
Rather than assuage your anger, I strongly urge you to listen to it. And then set boundaries first with yourself so you can tell mom.
The theme is that your mom’s stay is temporary, as means you don’t sacrifice your life. So she’s 93, so what? My dh’s grandma lived to 103. If his mom does that I’d be 84 and he 83 and probably all needing caregivers.
If the physical stuff from assisting is already physically stressing you, it’s time to get mom qualified for Medicaid, if not already.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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The reality is that nothing’s never even and this is so, particularly, when you have a triangulating, narcissistic parent.
Dependent upon where you live, it is possible to leave the situation entirely and let your parent become a ward of the state, rather than to allow them to take over and destroy your life and future. There are, however, some states that have filial responsibility laws and will take a percentage of your pay to care for your parents, up yo a certain age (your age) so, check your local laws. Because I can see situations where you have an abusive parent, who may have been rotten your entire life — but the court does not care about that. The court is more about families staying together, than whether they kill one another.
Don’t ask her to move out , tell her……
No one is required to live with a parent .
If she does not have money then ask your siblings to do more , so you get a break . But they can say No .
You also say that you are frustrated at times. You and your husband had hoped to travel together in your retirement.
Perhaps, you bit off more than you can chew. None of us knew exactly how hard caregiving would be until we experienced it firsthand.
It’s okay to admit that this situation is becoming too difficult for you to handle on your own. You have very little help from other family members.
Your mother is 93, has mobility issues and is incontinent. That’s a lot to deal with.
Have you considered looking into assisted living for her? Then you can oversee her care as her advocate. You can make travel plans with your husband as you had planned on doing.
Best wishes to you and your family.
If you want to be the best caregiver AND survive, you need to establish boundaries that will protect your physical, mental, and financial health. These boundaries can change as YOU need them to.
Examples of boundaries would be moving mom to assisted living, hiring outside help for mom's care needs, sending her to a day program, and/or hiring outside help for your needs.
You don't mention what your mother is demanding, but you need to draw a line between true needs and frivolous whims. For example, you do not need to function as her live-in psychologist or entertainment committee. Even though it might be tempting, don't do things for her that she can still do for herself.
It is often said on this forum that caregiving must be done on the caregiver's terms, and that the person needing care doesn't get to call the shots.
Thing is, I would guess that, for many, it’s a question of money. Who’s paying for assisted living, etc., when both the caregiver and the care recipient have not nearly what it costs? And that’s probably the biggest reason caregivers often stay.
But, although I’ve not actually been a caregiver, I was almost tasked with it, a few times and, for some of those recipients, including my mother and a neighbor, I very well realize, that care means being trapped psychologically, emotionally, and financially, with someone who either is or isn’t actually demented, yet still trying to destroy you. They are are supported by outsiders, with you being the sacrificial lamb. When a caregiver starts to think of what they’ll do, in regards to their own income, health, retirement and eldercare, the horrific indications are that all of that is being provided to the current recipient.
Another source of anger is that some recipients either never had or cancelled their long term care or other retirement options, because they felt entitled to free care from others, which not only includes family, but neighbors (been there). It should be noted that, at least from what I’ve seen, people who retire or even retire early (younger), can lose complete track of the idea that others are still out earning a living, typically, because they know they must. Nevertheless, a recipient may have no empathy for that and, if narcissistic, may only see the caregiver as an object which provides needs and wants and nothing else.
I feel sorry for caregivers in these circumstances. There are sooo many implications that cannot even be covered here. I, myself, have had to escape caregiving situations, which can become quite abusive. Situations not simply with family, but with a neighbor who decided I had no option, but to be her caregiver. You must think, as best you can that, if you’re going to be a caregiver, while painfully difficult, you have to try to maintain boundaries, to keep yourself alive.
This emotion should serve as a warning sign to step away so that the person who is being cared for can receive proper care, as well as caregiver finding peace in their life.
Mom is in your home and your rules. She now needs u more than you need her. If shevis capable to do for herself, then she does it. Do not enable her or disable her. If she criticizes, you say nicely "Well Mom, this is the way I do it. If you can do it better, than feel free." Does she act like a child in her demanding, then treat her like one of your children. Say to her what u would to a child. "Mom I will do that after I am done this". "Mom I just sat down will do it when I get up again". "Mom, u can do that yourself". She is not your priority.
In 2012, the PTC program was recognized by the Administration on Aging as
having met its highest level criteria for evidence-based programs. You can find more information here: https://www.powerfultoolsforcaregivers.org/ and a schedule of classes here: https://www.powerfultoolsforcaregivers.org/class-type/caregiver-classes/
You are not alone. Anger, grief, guilt, depression....all are common on this journey. But there are things that you can do to help. The class might be a first step.
I've also found this free book helpful: https://thubtenchodron.org/books/working-with-anger-free/
Also, Medicare pays for up to two weeks of respite care a year in a care facility so family caregivers can get a break. So you both can take a vacation if you want to.
No one has to become a care slave to another person. Everyone wants to do right by the people we love. However, when the care needs of the 'loved one' get to a point where they've taken over your life and home that's usually when it's time to consider placement in the appropriate care facility to meet these needs.
oh and Xanax helps me too, but I try to leave that as a last resort because I love it so much.
Also, when my mom is constantly hollering for me and I am busy I will ask her “is it an emergency?” in order to gauge the situation before I drop everything to deal with her.
Also, you could consider individual counseling or anger management for yourself.
it’s really hard not to be resentful and angry when you are doing the best you can, yet you are being made to feel you aren’t doing enough. Age old techniques like counting to ten, scream into a pillow, step away for a bit can help too.
if it just becomes too much, then yes, you may have to consider hiring in home help or facility placement, so you can get your life back.
Make a plan and be willing to change your plan if it becomes unworkable. You will know when that is the situation.
As a child free, I won’t have the luxury of having a kid care about me. In fact, even if there were, most wouldn’t have the elder living with them vs placing them. Especially if you are now a “younger elder” yourself.
Rather than assuage your anger, I strongly urge you to listen to it. And then set boundaries first with yourself so you can tell mom.
The theme is that your mom’s stay is temporary, as means you don’t sacrifice your life. So she’s 93, so what? My dh’s grandma lived to 103. If his mom does that I’d be 84 and he 83 and probably all needing caregivers.
If the physical stuff from assisting is already physically stressing you, it’s time to get mom qualified for Medicaid, if not already.