The original plan was to rent out our house and then sell hers and all move together to a location closer to work. As soon as we moved in, we realized she is way worse (dementia) than we had thought. So, we just have to stay with her. Huge adjustment especially for me. We were paying young caregivers just to stay with her part-time to keep from wandering. I recently left my job of almost 30 years, partially to take care of her. Her money is paying for me to take care of her.
Problem is, we were really never close and I have a hard time feeling sympathy for her. She can be rude and selfish. I know she "can't help it", but she was always like this to an extent. I am working hard (and praying hard) to change my attitude. Husband treats me like an employee even though I'm caring for HIS mom. I have told him this but he doesn't seem to get it.
I have been able to join two different women's bible studies so at least I can get away for a few hours each week.
Thanks for listening. It's hard to vent to anyone else!
Explore all ways to have your mother-in-law cared for in a GOOD facility. Is she eligible for Medicaid?
There has to be a solution for your own mental and physical health.
Thanks again for the support!
You do not have to stay with her. It isn't good for you, MIL or your marriage. The only person it might be good for is your husband; he's the king of the hill and you're stuck being the care slave. Why pray to change YOUR attitude? Pray to change HIS. He's acting like an entitled brat with no empathy and no consideration for you.
Is her money going to provide retirement benefits for you? You are shorting yourself on future SS benefits that you will need for your own retirement. Instead of Bible study, how about taking a course on Women's Empowerment? If you started acting differently, your stunned husband would too.
My husband is in a memory care facility because he is too far advanced in his dementia to be taken care of at home. Your MIL will eventually get that way too unless she succumbs to another illness. You could push the situation toward a MC facility by saying that she is already beyond your capability as an untrained caregiver and that for her sake, she needs to go where she gets the help she needs. Bring home brochures on likely places and show them to husband. Unfortunately, I doubt if that will work because he's slotted you into caregiver mode, and he's king of the hill.
Push him off that hill, and you might be surprised at the results. He really needs to change her poopy diapers, for starters. And if they aren't poopy, they soon will be.
I wish you luck as you deal with this miserable problem.
If he tries to gaslight and emotionally manipulate you (and it sounds like he does) whenever you bring up the topic of of his mother's care needs, tell him that you will not continue and if this means you file for divorce, you will.
No one should ever be a care slave, but sadly so often care"givers" become care slaves. Let your husband know you mean business. You haven't been out of work that long at only nine months, so try to get another job in your field. Or any job. Tell your husband you're looking to go back to work and will not be caregiving for his mother anymore. Offer to help find a facility for her, but that's it. Go back to work.
Don't let him gaslight you or treat you like an employee. You're not his employee. If I were you I'd have a consultation with a divorce attorney. Just to talk. First consultations are usually free. This will give you a good starting point on what your legal marital rights are.
It is also sad that your husband has shown you who he is. I am assuming he is not treating you very well right now when you say he is treating you like an employee. He should be grateful for what you are doing for his mother.
It's too bad you willingly quit your job. You should find another job and go to work. Return to your home once the lease ends for the tenants. Tell your husband to quit his job and take care of his mother himself or sell the home and place her in memory care. Those are his choices. You are his wife and not a care slave.
I also hope your MIL does not linger in this state for long. This is no life.
Absolutely not. Unless your husband treats his employees like valued partners, and I bet he doesn't, put a stop to this immediately. If he want to get all "honor thy father and mother" on you then tell him to go ahead and take care of her himself.
How about "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife". Maybe HE needs to pray about why he's abandoned this idea in favor of getting you to do cheap labor.
She would benefit from placement in a suitable care home, probably Memory Care, with 24 hour care, and locked down for resident's safety.
If your husband is trying to preserve her home and money as his future inheritance by using you for cheap labor, he obviously doesn't understand the burden being placed (forced) on you.
I agree with the respondents here; you need a care contract with your MIL, if you are going to continue providing her cares for pay. And selling her home and moving back to your home and life is the best option now. If your husband fails to see that, then you move back to your home and job. Leave husband to care for his mother.
I am curious what you mean when you say your husband treats you like an employee. What does that mean? You are an employee, but this is not your trained profession. I'm sure you have no experience or training in caring for an elder with dementia. Of course, most of us home caregivers who end up caring for a loved one do not have any prior experience. We are learning as we go.
And this forum helps. But, I CHOSE to provide care for my husband at home.
I would not like to be forced into this situation without proper planning.
I do not recommend separating a marriage, but if you were to go back to your home and leave your husband to care for his mother, he will be forced to make some decisions regarding her care for long term. You could continue doing this, as you are, and trying to find a way to keep a positive attitude, but you are going to build a resentment toward your mother in law and your husband, while holding your feelings in. That is not healthy for you or your marriage. She could go on a long time like this! What you are doing is not sustainable for the long term.
There will be ramifications if she ever needs Medicaid. There will be penalties and she won't be able to get placed until the penalties are placed. You may want to consider placing her and selling her house to pay for it.
Welcome to the forum.
If you had posted you were considering this 9 months ago we would have told you, don’t do it.
The best thing now is to try to get your job back. This won’t get better. Did you rent your home? Hopefully you can move back soon
Regarding DH attitude, which is it….are you an employee or his life partner?
As an employee you would be paid probably much more than you are earning now. You would have taxes deducted building your retirement benefits. You would have a set schedule when you would be off the clock and not responsible for MIL. You wouldn't be trying to take care of a husband and a household at the same time as caring for your patient.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Make sure you have a contract for working for your MIL. If not and she needs Medicaid in the future, she will have to show what happened to her money that she can’t then afford to pay for her care. Look up the rules for your states Medicaid program.
I’m not sure what Treating You Like An Employee means to you but if he doesn’t treat any employee with respect, especially someone caring for his mom, shame on him. It must be very hurtful that his attitude has changed towards you. How long have you been married and how old is MIL?
Jodi there is a book often recommended on this site called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. You can find a great deal about it online. It would help you create boundaries for you to keep in mind for yourself to help save your sanity. It’s Christian based but helpful for anyone. Google “Quotes from Boundaries by Henry Cloud” and you can get an idea of the books contents.
Come here anytime to vent. I’m glad you are getting out to meet with others. It’s never easy to make such big changes.
If your husband does not like this plan, move back yourself and leave him to care full-time for his own mother. You can see if you can go back to your old job, or get a new one. He can use her money to pay himself instead of you.
If for some reason you can't go back home that soon, start looking for a job where you are, and tell your husband that he can hire someone, or pay himself, with the money that MIL has been paying you. You started new employment, it didn't work out, and you're giving notice, just as with any job situation.
The bottom line is, don't let yourself stay stuck in this trap of caring for your mother-in-law for the rest of her life. You tried it, it didn't work out, you HAVE A RIGHT to live your own life in a way that is good for you. I am a person of strong faith, so I am not denigrating in any way your prayers. But I suggest that instead of praying for a change in your attitude, you pray for a change in your husband's attitude, that he will see that demanding you to care for HIS mother, and treating you, his wife, as an employee rather than a beloved spouse, is not what a holy marriage is meant to be.
Let us know how things go.