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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I understand this happens and why. However, I only learned of my husbands lifetime of affairs during his Alzheimer's and just a few months before he went to memory care. The sight of him anywhere near another woman even if she is 102 is a huge trigger for me and will send me into a tailspin. His happiness has always been at my expense. Why should that continue
I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Did he have affairs before Alzheimers or is this something that just started happening? I've heard that sometimes this happens in facilities.
This type of thing happens more than what people are willing to discuss. Some women are adamant about remaining loyal to this type of behavior even though it is part of the disease process.
We as women are required to give up so much of our autonomy.
Since he is in a facility, I would start picking hobbies to get me out the house. Join a book club, gardening class, cooking classes or anything else that would get your mind off this nonsense. Therapy can help. Personally, I would prefer in person therapy than the teleservice that's being offered. First, it will get you out of the house. Secondly, you can run errands and just be out and about. The key is to get you involved in your own life rhythm again and not be so focused on someone who is slowly losing their memory.
Also, I would cut back on the visits since this interaction is causing you to feel strong emotions once you witness this type of interaction.
I'm very, very sorry. You don't need to visit him. Please protect your mental and emotional health. Get some therapy, and spend your time doing things that bring you happiness and peace. I know that sounds simplistic, and it is easier said than done, but really that's what you deserve for the time you have left, unburdened by him.
When Justice Sandra Day O’Connor went to visit her husband John in memory care, she found him holding another woman’s hand. She picked up and held his other hand. At least he had a constant companion where she couldn’t be anymore. She was actually happy to see it.
I just want to clarify if he was the one who confessed the affairs while he had ALZ or was it from another source? I'm only asking because what he is telling you may not be true if he is impaired. Nonetheless, I'm very sorry you have to experience this situation and this emotional pain. May you receive clarity, healing and peace in your heart as you decide how to handle it.
If your husband's happiness always came at your expense, that's on you. It was your choice to stay in a marriage with him that was from what you're telling us here was pretty one sided. His side. It would be perfectly acceptable for you to stop visiting him altogether if the sight of him distresses you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone preach to that your husband's lifetime of cheating was a long time ago and to get over it because he's in memory care now. It's not a long time ago for you if you've only just recently found out. That pain is still fresh if you really didn't know what he was doing.
I hope you take Scampie's advice in the comments and get a hobby or start joining in some activities with other people to socialize. It's okay for you to start putting yourself first in your own life now. You deserve some personal happiness too. Let your husband and his 102 year-old girlfriend be happy in memory care. Happy as far as that's possible. Keep in mind that he's the one in a "home" not you. You still have life to live and I hope you live it.
Did he tell you of his affairs? Or did someone else? Take with a grain of salt what others say (unless there is proof) and take with a grain of salt what someone that has dementia says. Just putting that out there first. If indeed your husband has had affairs .. or even just 1. I can understand why seeing him with another woman is triggering for you. You are still in shock. You are deep in grief. First the fact that you are losing your husband, a man that you have built your life around. to a dying brain. Second the loss of your marriage. Partly because of the dementia but also to the physical separation and also the knowledge that he was not faithful. That is a lot to grasp in a short period of time. Step back. Take a breath. Begin to find yourself. (wow that sounds "new age") If you are like many you have cared for your husband at home for a while before you made the decision to place him. As a result of that I bet you have not had much time to yourself. So take some time. Book a week away. It could be just a local spot or take a cruise, alone or get a friend to go with. Or go visit someone. Don't worry about him, he is safe, he is being cared for. If there is an emergency they can get hold of you just let them know how. (I do suggest appointing a temp POA and there is a form for that and the POA can be for a specific time period) It is time for you to take care of yourself.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This type of thing happens more than what people are willing to discuss. Some women are adamant about remaining loyal to this type of behavior even though it is part of the disease process.
We as women are required to give up so much of our autonomy.
Since he is in a facility, I would start picking hobbies to get me out the house. Join a book club, gardening class, cooking classes or anything else that would get your mind off this nonsense. Therapy can help. Personally, I would prefer in person therapy than the teleservice that's being offered. First, it will get you out of the house. Secondly, you can run errands and just be out and about. The key is to get you involved in your own life rhythm again and not be so focused on someone who is slowly losing their memory.
Also, I would cut back on the visits since this interaction is causing you to feel strong emotions once you witness this type of interaction.
I hope you take Scampie's advice in the comments and get a hobby or start joining in some activities with other people to socialize. It's okay for you to start putting yourself first in your own life now. You deserve some personal happiness too. Let your husband and his 102 year-old girlfriend be happy in memory care. Happy as far as that's possible. Keep in mind that he's the one in a "home" not you. You still have life to live and I hope you live it.
Take with a grain of salt what others say (unless there is proof) and take with a grain of salt what someone that has dementia says. Just putting that out there first.
If indeed your husband has had affairs .. or even just 1. I can understand why seeing him with another woman is triggering for you.
You are still in shock. You are deep in grief.
First the fact that you are losing your husband, a man that you have built your life around. to a dying brain.
Second the loss of your marriage. Partly because of the dementia but also to the physical separation and also the knowledge that he was not faithful.
That is a lot to grasp in a short period of time.
Step back. Take a breath. Begin to find yourself. (wow that sounds "new age")
If you are like many you have cared for your husband at home for a while before you made the decision to place him. As a result of that I bet you have not had much time to yourself. So take some time. Book a week away. It could be just a local spot or take a cruise, alone or get a friend to go with. Or go visit someone.
Don't worry about him, he is safe, he is being cared for. If there is an emergency they can get hold of you just let them know how. (I do suggest appointing a temp POA and there is a form for that and the POA can be for a specific time period)
It is time for you to take care of yourself.