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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Goodness, you are thinking ahead. I think before this big day I might try some short trips. Perhaps home and perhaps other places, to see how it goes. I would assess this. Remember, to someone with dementia, Thanksgiving is just another day. I have no idea if this is small and quiet family gathering a a big hoop-la. But I DO know that you are the best judge of hubby and how he reacts.
I will trust this decision to your wisdom and wish you the best of luck. If you choose to do this, be prepared for the unexpected. If he needs to return to his quarters, just let others know that may be the case, and be ready to enlist help for yourself to make it so.
Personally, I wouldn't because of my husband's volatile nature with this disease. Prior to placement, he no longer enjoyed family gatherings. Everything agitated him. The chatter. The laughter. The music. The platters of food. He kept mumbling over and over "this isn't right." My brother even commented that he's never seen hubby so "frantic." We ended up leaving early because he started to become inconsolable. When hubby saw the 24 pairs of shoes by the door, he got very angry screaming that he couldn't find his shoes and jacket--where are my shoes? how am I going to find my jacket in this mess?--in spite of the fact that I was holding them right in front of him. I couldn't get him to look at the bundle in my hands. So sad. Then during our very last Christmas gathering, he wouldn't let me take our presents because he claimed they weren't ours and badgered me all the way home about it...heavy heavy sigh...those were very dark days.
Our rational mind and heart would think that it's a good idea to have him with family to enjoy the festivities during the holidays. But we don't have a crystal ball into a PWD's mind and know how it's processing the outside world.
As AlvaDeer said, you know your husband best. Use your good judgment. I don't know why you needed to ask the question, but I have an inkling that you may know the answer already. Whatever you decide, hope it's a good outcome.
Thank you for your insight. My husband is still in the mid stage of the disease. I have taken him out a couple of times without a problem. Probably going to try going to a not too fancy restaurant for Thanksgiving Day lunch with maybe a couple of relatives. 🙏
Maloneym2, check with the Memory Care facility and see if they are planning to have a Thanksgiving feast for their residents and guest. My Dad's senior living facility did, and it worked out great.
When my Dad moved into senior living, I never brought him back to my house to visit or have dinner here. I wanted Dad to get into a routine because he was slowly dealing with memory loss.
What if your do bring your hubby home for Thanksgiving and he refuses to go back to Memory Care? Then what? Or if you are able to get him back to the facility, how will he act when you leave him there? Will he get upset? Will the Staff have to try to calm him down?
My MIL is in LTC in a facility close to us. We have been hosting Thanksgiving dinner for all family members locally. Before we have dinner, the gathered guests go over to celebrate with my MIL. We bring food and goodies to her, and take a group picture. In the past when we brought her home she didn't do well. It's much better to bring the holiday to her. We also take that opportunity to decorate her room for Christmas.
You will figure out what works best for you husband. I hope you have a peaceful holiday together.
What a lovely and festive way to include your MIL! I really like the idea of all those who are there to visit decorating her room for Christmas❤️ That is truly taking the holiday to her, she is the focus as well, and voila! Her room is festive and bright. Thanks for sharing, Geaton.
No, you bring thanksgiving dinner to him at his facility. And even if it's not on the actual day, as he will never know, it will be nice for some of the family to celebrate with him where he is at.
A lot depends on his behaviours and what brought him to memory care. You have to think of transportation behavior, incontinence and sun downing. My mom was very compliant and she loved outings. my brother did the transportation since he was traveling to my home, I always had a go bag for my mom and it was his responsibility to take it. Of course my mom got tired towards the end of the day so return home was around 4 pm so that she could have dinner at MC. When it got to be too much with my cooking and entertaining then that was the year we called it quits. Mom still had holiday meals at her MC
I think it would be less disruptive to him and less stressful for you, if you bring a plate to him. Let him enjoy the food you have always prepared without the confusion of leaving his new surroundings. His world is getting smaller and smaller because that is all he can handle.
Is it hard to get him in and out of the car? Is he incontinent? Is he a flight risk? Is he going to get upset when you have to take him back? For those reasons...
I think it would be less disruptive to him and less stressful for you, if you bring a plate to him. Let him enjoy the food you have always prepared without the confusion of leaving his new surroundings. His world is getting smaller and smaller because that is all he can handle.
Is it hard to get him in and out of the car? Is he incontinent? Is he a flight risk? Is he going to get upset when you have to take him back? For those reasons...
I wouldn't. Changes in a ALZ routine could upset them. When my daddy was in a facility - I would just bring him something he wanted. It wasn't turkey, cuz he didn't want that, but I brought him what he was craving. My daddy didn't know when it was thanksgiving, his birthday or fathers day - keep the day simple and in his same routine. Blessings
I have joined my mother for holiday meals at her memory care for a few years now, ever since bringing her to my house resulted in her agitation. This is worked out very very well. Mom is happy and comfortable at the memory care, but she gets nervous very quickly outside of it.
agree. this maintains their routine and puts the onus for prep and cleanup on the facility. i understand many of us prefer to believe our LOs know they’re included, and that they’re enjoying special occasions, but… i’m of the mind that they don’t. once someone’s at the MC stage of their disease needs, i don’t think they know much of anything and certainly can’t (or won’t) remember. i’m starting to ask myself more and more “for whom am i doing this?” before putting my all into a party or a holiday observation. most often, it’s for me… wanting things to be the way they were, and not wanting to accept the way things are for my LOs.
I am sorry about your dilemma. How about bringing Thanksgiving to your husband. Bring some relatives and be part of the facilities Thanksgiving celebration. Maybe you can have a private dinner with your husband.
agree. from experience, people who don't anymore know what day of the week it is, or what year it is, also don’t realize they’re missing a holiday. the energy spent trying to “maintain normalcy” by celebrating special occasions is for who? better to skip the stress and the mess.
Usually folks who need memory care thrive in a consistent environment with consistent routines. So, he might be more confused and become agitated out of his usual routines and environment. Start with small trip - maybe go out for a treat - and see how he does.
We didn't. We had our Thanksgiving and then all went to visit FIL with a full plate for him. He didn't seem to mind.
We knew we couldn't bring him home- for a few reasons. 1. He could no longer safely navigate his home. 2. We were terrified that if we got him home (which would have been a feat in and of itself) that he would flat out refuse to return - and then what? How do you pick up a 300lb man and force him to go anywhere? 3. We were afraid he would fall or otherwise be injured if we brought him home - there were too many transitions that he wouldn't be able to handle.
It just wasn't worth it to shake up the routine and cause him confusion and readjustment in BOTH places.
Bring him a nice plate of food and spend time with him where he is. You can do this after Thanksgiving dinner, or days before.
If you're really that devoted to him, you could give up your thanksgiving plans and spend the day with him at his facility. If you have family counting on you to make dinner and host a big family gathering, tell them it's their turn.
With your husband in memory care, your life has changed. It's ok to make changes in your lifestyle and traditions.
I brought my Mom to the Thanksgiving dinner. However, she had already been in MC for 8 months by that time. She enjoyed being out. The first year, other than being quiet, she behaved nicely and considered the MC facility her home.
The second year, all was well as long as someone was with her. However, if someone was not entertaining her, she would wail that she was ready to leave. When it was pointed out that we hadn't had the pie yet, she insisted on leaving anyway (she loved pumpkin and apple pie so her actions were a shock.)
The 3rd year, she liked being out, but the feeling was shortlived. By that time, she was eating with her hands and she had a hard time chewing any of the meat. She did not recognize the pumpkin or apple pie and declared that it was time to go and started trying to go out the door. She got upset when I prevented her from leaving.
She entered hospice within two weeks of Thanksgiving, and passed within 1 month from Thanksgiving.
I warned my sister-in-law that Mom was eating with her hands so she just put down a plastic mat under my Mom.
In my case, no regrets at all for bringing my Mom to Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, dinner was interrupted so I could take my Mom back to the MC facility. However, because she was there at the Thanksgiving meal, it had a feeling of normalcy both for us and for her.
It is a special time of the year. My Mom always enjoyed the holiday season so she was delighted to see all the decorations and be included in the celebrations.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I think before this big day I might try some short trips. Perhaps home and perhaps other places, to see how it goes. I would assess this.
Remember, to someone with dementia, Thanksgiving is just another day. I have no idea if this is small and quiet family gathering a a big hoop-la. But I DO know that you are the best judge of hubby and how he reacts.
I will trust this decision to your wisdom and wish you the best of luck. If you choose to do this, be prepared for the unexpected. If he needs to return to his quarters, just let others know that may be the case, and be ready to enlist help for yourself to make it so.
Best of luck.
Our rational mind and heart would think that it's a good idea to have him with family to enjoy the festivities during the holidays. But we don't have a crystal ball into a PWD's mind and know how it's processing the outside world.
As AlvaDeer said, you know your husband best. Use your good judgment. I don't know why you needed to ask the question, but I have an inkling that you may know the answer already. Whatever you decide, hope it's a good outcome.
When my Dad moved into senior living, I never brought him back to my house to visit or have dinner here. I wanted Dad to get into a routine because he was slowly dealing with memory loss.
What if your do bring your hubby home for Thanksgiving and he refuses to go back to Memory Care? Then what? Or if you are able to get him back to the facility, how will he act when you leave him there? Will he get upset? Will the Staff have to try to calm him down?
You will figure out what works best for you husband. I hope you have a peaceful holiday together.
Is it hard to get him in and out of the car? Is he incontinent? Is he a flight risk? Is he going to get upset when you have to take him back? For those reasons...
Is it hard to get him in and out of the car? Is he incontinent? Is he a flight risk? Is he going to get upset when you have to take him back? For those reasons...
No stress and definitely no mess
We knew we couldn't bring him home- for a few reasons.
1. He could no longer safely navigate his home.
2. We were terrified that if we got him home (which would have been a feat in and of itself) that he would flat out refuse to return - and then what? How do you pick up a 300lb man and force him to go anywhere?
3. We were afraid he would fall or otherwise be injured if we brought him home - there were too many transitions that he wouldn't be able to handle.
It just wasn't worth it to shake up the routine and cause him confusion and readjustment in BOTH places.
If you're really that devoted to him, you could give up your thanksgiving plans and spend the day with him at his facility. If you have family counting on you to make dinner and host a big family gathering, tell them it's their turn.
With your husband in memory care, your life has changed. It's ok to make changes in your lifestyle and traditions.
The second year, all was well as long as someone was with her. However, if someone was not entertaining her, she would wail that she was ready to leave. When it was pointed out that we hadn't had the pie yet, she insisted on leaving anyway (she loved pumpkin and apple pie so her actions were a shock.)
The 3rd year, she liked being out, but the feeling was shortlived. By that time, she was eating with her hands and she had a hard time chewing any of the meat. She did not recognize the pumpkin or apple pie and declared that it was time to go and started trying to go out the door. She got upset when I prevented her from leaving.
She entered hospice within two weeks of Thanksgiving, and passed within 1 month from Thanksgiving.
I warned my sister-in-law that Mom was eating with her hands so she just put down a plastic mat under my Mom.
In my case, no regrets at all for bringing my Mom to Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, dinner was interrupted so I could take my Mom back to the MC facility. However, because she was there at the Thanksgiving meal, it had a feeling of normalcy both for us and for her.
It is a special time of the year. My Mom always enjoyed the holiday season so she was delighted to see all the decorations and be included in the celebrations.