My husband is terribly obsessed with our gardens - holiday home and permanent address. When at our holiday home he takes pictures of the garden, I did not not think it was because hee was checking up on me, but it was. I have taken out 2 plants which was one dead one ugly and put in 2 new ones and he raved about it so much we had a terrible argument about a dam garden en stupid plants...why is he so obsessed about it...
#1 -- Would you be angry at him if he was in diabetic shock? If you had a clear understanding about dementia, the stages, the in-and-outs od lucidity, I doubt you would come across so angry.
#2 -- You maybe burned out with his "nonsensical behavior" and really need to have a break. Or focus more on your own mental health than on his for a change. Happens to every family caregiver on planet earth.
#3 -- You're angry at your circumstances. Not where you pictured your life, is it? Very few of us on this site can't relate to that. Especially ESPECIALLY those caring for spouses with dementia. God's worst practical joke of all sans childhood illness.
My best advice to you is that old adage...let it go in one ear and out the other. Master those two words that have brought peace to the lives of married couples down through the ages -- "Yes, dear." And AND take care of yourself. Mani pedi's, girlfriend lunches and dinners, outings with your children, your siblings, your friends, your church, your senior center.
Oh! And try really hard to keep your sense of humor and practice sighing quietly to yourself. If none of those things work, watch for a sale on Roundup at the garden store. ;)
God bless. Wish you well.
Gardening is one of the processes, like art, which create something out of basically nothing. A gardener sees soil as life giving, life sustaining, capable of creating great beauty. Some gardeners are like canvas artists; do some research and check out knot gardens - look at Villandry, Chenonceau - they're masterpieces, equivalent in gardening terms to a Mona Lisa.
The satisfaction created from gardening can sometimes not even be described - it's exciting (watching for the first little sprout, the first bud, the change of color), it's rewarding (seeing the beauty that one produces and brings into the world).
It isn't just plopping a plant here and there. Gardeners study sunrises and sunsets, note hours of sun and shade, study rainfall patterns, and use this data to optimize the best sites for the best plants. Some even plant by moon cycles.
We use companion planting, using certain plants to provide protection to others, creating a symbiosis and sometimes micro environments.
We recycle, we compost, we create a bond with the earth and the seasons. We treat the land with respect. Many of us refuse to use any chemicals at all, studying and implementing methods which are natural and safe to us, animals and the plants. And our methods are healthier for the environment because the pesticide residues don't drift into surrounding areas.
We also produce safe food, food grown w/o pesticides, genetically modified seeds and plants, and food that feeds and nourishes us and our families. It's real food, not that crap in the stores that passes for food and which has often been grown with chemicals and doused with chemicals in order to meet commercial viability standards rather than safe food standards.
And we also act as artists, creating beauty for us as well as others to enjoy.
Read about some of the famous English gardeners, including David Austin and his work in hybridizing roses. He's created so much beauty for so many people - look at his gift to the world!
I don't agree that it's appropriate to blame the OP for gardening mishaps; that happens naturally. Not everything that's sprouted will thrive.
I think it's more that he's trying to salvage some semblance of control over his life and resents her interference, and/or blames her for situations that occur which he either doesn't understand or know how to address.
This man's gardening is NOT an obsession; it's a discovery in creativity for him. It may be at this stage of his life it restores some self respect, some relish for life in one area as he's declining in other areas. Respect it for what it is.
Good luck with finding help for your husband; he's suffering and I think in his own way trying to find something helps him. Actually, even though he may have been verbally rude to you, I think he's demonstrating tremendous creativity in dealing with his dementia.
Best wishes to you in finding assistance.
Obsession CAN be a symptom of dementia. Has he been diagnosed with dementia? Do you suspect it? Has he ever shown obsessive tendencies before?
As obsessions go, this sounds like a harmless one, and even one that can be useful in keeping him occupied.
Without knowing more background and based just on your single post, I think you may have come up with a very good solution. Allow the garden to be exclusively his. Don't ever touch it again without including him. Now depending on what is really behind this, I'm not so keen on you telling him to stuff it. Perhaps you can repair that damage by something like, "I'm sorry I exploded the other day. I've been thinking it over and I really think it is a very good idea for you to be completely in charge of the grounds at both of our houses. I'll help if you tell me what to do, but otherwise you are totally in charge."
If you browse through posts here and see what other kinds of things others get obsessed with, you will thank your lucky stars he is focused on plants!
But it would really be good to know more about this situation to discuss it with you.
When she went to assisted living, the cat was returned to the no kill shelter where she had adopted it, without her knowledge. Over the next year, she has forgotten all about the cat and never mentions it, so the obsession may leave on its own.
I would read online about how to deal with your husband's obsession with his garden. A lot involves patience and understanding that it's brain damage that is causing this behavior. It's not personal.
I will say that until his progression leads him away from that obsession, it's not likely he will settle down with it, without medication. I think anxiety meds really do help. I would discuss that with his doctor.
Irmagroenewald, I remember my Dad use to be obsessed over the weather and it wasn't dementia related, it was something my Dad enjoyed doing. I use to ask my Mom how does she deal with it, as Dad will tell me that the schools in Chicago are closed due to snow and I am thinking why do I need to know that as I live in Virginia?... but Mom told me "at least I know where he is" meaning in front of the weather map, on the weather websites, or outside looking at the weather.
See All Answers