I'm currently 1400 miles away from my husband, 66. He has Parkinson's, which doesn't interfere too much with his mobility. He's capable of dressing, shopping, cooking and cleaning. But his depression and anxiety are pretty extreme. I'm on the phone/zoom with him a couple of times a day, but I'm still worried about how isolated he is. I want to send in someone a couple hours a days, to cook him a meal, provide some companionship, make sure he has food and takes his meds. He absolutely refuses. He insists he doesn't want it or need it but I'm afraid that's his depression talking and he's opting for total isolation because it feels more comfortable for him, even if it's not good for him. Should I just insist and send someone in?
I COMPLETELY understand the need to put distance between yourself and a situation that becomes untenable.
If MY DH hadn't left on a business trip for 2 weeks on Sunday this week--I would be living at my sister's right now. That's how much I need a break from him. He isn't 'sick' he's supremely depressed and will not address it. WFH FT, but the word here is HOME. He's messy, annoying, constantly asking me if I am going to cook lunch (what the heck??) complaining about things he mislays, being snarky and rude to me all day--or worse, sleeping 24/7 for days on end. Doesn't shower, just sleeps for 2-4 days at a stretch. He calls it 'resting' but it's not.
I'm on the brink of leaving him, and he now knows it. I gave him an ultimatum: he gets psychiatric help and goes into counseling or I am filing for divorce. Until this year I always thought I could ride this behavior out, but I realized he was making me literally sick---and my psych doc said I could live with it---and probably wind up with permanent heart damage from the stress, or he could make an effort to be better.
People will judge me for this, and I am prepared for that. But after 45 years of supporting and creating this monster, I cannot live with it.
I, for one, totally and completely understand your need to be away. I'd only be 10 miles away--but I may as well be 1400. I will NOT live with him in his current mental state.
And yes, he has a boatload of medical issues, none of which he 'controls' so he doesn't HAVE 15-20 years left. Neither do I, as a cancer survivor who won't do chemo again under ANY circumstances.
I wish you (and me) the best of luck. My heart goes out to you--since I am living essentially the same thing! (yes, I have POA for DH, but I don't have to invoke it, yet).
And anyway, no.
How long do you expect to be away? What about nudging friends and family to keep in touch and give him a morale-boosting call now and again instead?
Dementia goes with Parkinsons so eventually ur husband is going to need 24/7 care. You may want to talk to a lawyer about splitting your assets. Would it be better to divorce or become a Community spouse if he needs LTC.
Maybe a neighbor would check up on him.
Very well said. I can see your point. His being stubborn is the problem. Not that you are away. So, enjoy your time away.
See All Answers