Today I seriously talked to husband about his father. Last time he took a shower he had a bad time, we have a seat for him and my husband stays close. Dad is very private about himself and last time he cleaned himself was a bird bath. I told my husband Dad is getting worse everyday and think it is time for nursing home, now people please don't get mad at me. But you do not understand that Dad been living with us over 45 years. Talk about no private time, a know it all, and complainer. I get this all the time. We had to take Dad to doctors and it was like heck. Him screaming because he was in so much pain in his legs. That is why he was seeing the doctors. A week later we had to take Dad for blood & urine test plus X-Rays. Well we had to take him in & out of car 8 times. Well it was like we were torturing him, screaming every time. Today I try to convince husband it is time to put Dad in nursing home. All he said is I know, unwilling to let go. Even the doctor talk about a nursing home. What can I do to convince him before I just up and leave? Because I can't take it anymore of his father and on top of that my husband going blind.
Leave for a long weekend and let your DH be 100% CG for his dad. That may, in and of itself, be enough to turn the tide.
In the meantime, see if you can get dad to take a mile tranquilizer prior to his dr's visits. Just to take the edge off, not to knock him out.
I know how proud my DH was of the care 'he' gave his father in the last 6 months of his life. Basically, nothing. I did it all and DH just thought it was the CG fairies, To this day, he doesn't remember or show gratitude for what was a very difficult thing for me to be doing , b/c my OWN dad was dying of Parkinson's in the same time frame. Time taken from HIS dad for MINE was resented--although he only voiced it once.
Dh really never did anything for his dad. The whole dying process made him so depressed. Well, it was no picnic for me, either.
I WOULD sedate FIL if I knew he was having procedures. It helped tremendously.
In all the doctor visits did any of them perform a cognitive/memory test on him? Just curious because you don't mention dementia, which can't be fixed or cured. Diminishing hygiene and resistance is a common dementia symptom.
Maybe make some appointments to visit some nice facilities in person and hire someone to sit with your FIL so both you and hubs can go. Make sure the facilities you consider have AL, MC and LTC and accept Medicaid. Your husband might be surprised at how nice newer ones are.
No matter, he will need to choose between you and his father now. Please don't make any threats to leave him unless you absolutely intend to carry it out. Like others have suggested, you may want to drive the point home by NOT helping him for a week or even anymore, because right now you're the ongoing solution which enables him to not deal with making the decision. It's not harsh. Harsh is him allowing his father to take away your privacy for all those years and now your independence and maybe even your (or your husband's) health.
You can soften the impact if you feel like doing it by doing some investigation, like figuring out facility affordability against your FIL's resources, getting him assessed so you know what kind of care he'll need, etc. Then hubs can't stall since it'll all have been figured out.
The final issue is whether your FIL can refuse to go. This scenario can happen if no one is his DPoA and he refuses to assign your husband. Since your home is his legal residence, you will need to go through an eviction process. If hubs is his DPoA he will need to get an official diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment so that the DPoA authority is active. Then you just pick a place, tell him a therapeutic fib to get him there (The house has a gas leak/infestation and is unsafe so you'll be staying here until you're able to return) and then you move the rest of his belongings there. He won't like it but you and hubs both will. And that's what matters.
Other than FIL paying for in-home aids to schlepp him around and get him to shower, etc., I'm not sure what other options may be. Bless you for having tolerated this arrangement for so long. You're an amazing wife!
I skimmed over ur previous posts. In a few you mention ur husband will be losing his eyesight. That there is a reason to place Dad in a NH.
In the post I copied above you state he continues to come from his area of the house to you saying he needs to ask his son an important question and turns out it isn't. That he repeats questions and says he forgets. In this one he screams whenever he seems to be touched. I feel everything you describe points to Dad suffering from Dementia. While he is visiting Drs, have him evaluated. A MRI will show if he has a Dementia or not. A Neurologist is a Dr. I would take him to. Labs will show if there r any physical problems.
Seems you are going to need to do the research. Does Dad have any money put away? If so, you can place him in a NH and when his money starts to run out, apply for Medicaid but, the facility has to except Medicaid. With my Mom, I started the Medicaid application in April, Mom was placed May 1st. She had 20k that covered May and June and July Medicaid started. In my State u have 90 days to spend down assets, provide info needed and find a place for the person.
If Dad has no money, it maybe hard getting him in a NH with Medicaid pending. You will need to check with facilities if once Dad is OKd for Medicaid will they take him. If Dad ends up in a hospital and goes to Rehab you can have him evaluated and if found needs 24/7 care you can have him transferred to LTC with the understanding that Medicaid will be applied for.
Your husband needs to understand that you cannot care for 2 MEN. Its not fair to expect you to do some intimate things for his Dad. When DH becomes blind he will need help to learn how to live in a blind world for the rest of his life. You cannot make sure he gets what he needs and care for FIL too.