Husband's personality/moral change. Any insights?

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Husband's personality/moral change. Any insights?

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This may be an odd comment or question, but my 61 yo husband has an unclear dementia early Alzhimer's Dx. He just let me into his medical record and phone yesterday. Has been having "amnestic dementia with short term memory symptoms" plus receptive communication issues noticed by me since January. I found that he has also lost his moral integrity.. his phone was filled with porn. This is highly out of line with his godly history and behavior. He never ever was into that. He has had the highest of moral behavior in all his years. He admitted his problem has been just in the last year.. confirmed by the google history.
Besides my being devastated, I also wonder if this kind of drastic personality change is part of the disease? If it is, it may be better explained in the wonderful loyal faithful and honest man. I am now getting therapy soon and seeing a lawyer for DPOA soon. His impulsive and non-self controlled behavior is SO SO weird! Any insights?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Behavior Change Early Onset Alzheimer's

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I went thru this also. But, I found out he had been seeing other women since before we married and the dementia/alzheimers made it so much worse. When the messages started popping up on his phone where the grandkids could see them, I told him to back off of it or lose the phone. Then he handed his phone to our 18 year old grand daughter and she was talking to him and didn't see the screen but I did and it was a porn act. I grabbed the phone and hid it. That night, I shredded it with a hammer. I did save the contacts of the men he had worked with and the photos of family and friends that were on it. He was furious and threatened me. It wasn't the first time he had been violent toward me. The doctor put him on meds that calmed him down and I told him why he was so angry.
He has regular visits now with a neuro dr, eye dr (glaucoma), psychiatrist and pc dr. He has become so frail that I could tap him like I do the grandbaby to burp him and my husband would fall over. I did give him an older tablet that I had and his family photos are there to look at, it has certain sites blocked and all of his searches appear on my computer because I synced it to it.
This sounds controlling but, a week after I destroyed his phone, there was a HUGE raid in our county and surrounding ones because the porn was underaged participants. We were lucky our door wasn't kicked in.

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Patti2021: Prayers sent as your husband has a broken brain.

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Women have said for many many years that men ‘think with their di*k’. It seems like when the real brain tails off, the other one takes over.

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Well flip side, many women are ready to "put out' even to someone they hardly know.

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So sorry you have to deal with this, it must be so upsetting to see someone you love change so drastically. You're on the right track by getting your legal affairs straightened out NOW before you do anything else. It's so important to have your DPOA before further diagnosis can negate it. Continue therapy for yourself to help you cope. You don't say if he is still working and if he's had any issues on his job - or if he is capable enough to hide this penchant for porn from the outside world. I would definitely talk to his doctor about these changes so that they can be documented. Also can you look into getting him tested to diagnose what stage of dementia he is in and perhaps get some meds to slow it down. Hope some of this helps you.

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Dementia is proof to me that there is no such thing as free will. The brain you are born with determines who and what you are as a person. Since his brain is now diseased this unfortunately is manifesting in an obsession with porn. It's like a person who has a brain injury who can suddenly speak a different language or play the piano flawlessly. It's unfortunate many with dementia devolve into their reptilian primal brain functions.

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This man has physical issues that are causing mental deterioration - it is a sickness and I doubt there is anything you or anyone can do to stop it. It is disgusting and upsetting. I can only suggest a caretaker to relieve you of being with him so much and give you some space or you consider placing him. You should NOT have to put up with this if it is harming you and destroying your life. Face it - he is gone but you are not.

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My DH became a person I did not recognize simply from taking Gabapentin for nerve pain. He became obsessed with porn, and had no shame, inhibition, moral judgment or understanding that many websites (foreign sites especially) enslave and traffic children and women and the photos are not legal or consensual. It took his neurologist a long time to reduce the drug safely to avoid seizures. What a mess. I can only imagine after seeing what strokes and dementia have done to my previously prudish mother, she now parades naked, proudly and talks endlessly about sex, how easily a man could be enthralled by online sexual offerings. Disinhibition is what the neurologist called it. Divorce attorney was already involved by the time the neurologist asked about behavioral changes. At that point, my husband was 50 years old. He is 67 now and exhibiting strange behavior again, very disconnected from what should be obvious consequences, confabulating, outright lying to appear more capable or credible, hysterical statements and accusations when even kindly questioned about what time gravel being delivered, etc. He has a neuropsych testing day next week. I am terrified. Good luck to us both.

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My husband's personality began to change in 2013. By the end of 2017, I had plans in place to leave him, I was no longer going to allow myself to be verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abused. Then he ended up in the hospital and was diagnosed with two different forms of dementia.

I realized that was the cause of the change in his personality. It wasn't "sin" but rather mental sickness that he can't control. So here we are, three and a half years later, things have gotten worse, especially the super-spirituality. I know from the support of folks here that there is no going back, he won't get better, and I now understand that "it is the dementia talking" and not him.

The filters are slowly turning off and you will watch more change happen in your husband. And sadly you can't reverse that. You will hang on until you know the time has come for him to live a safer place. The best thing you can do right now, I think, is find local support or online support (online is my only option). I am so grateful for a group of ladies that I have been online with since the mid-90s.

Make sure all your legal papers are in order. Fortunately we did that after watching a friend deal with so much when her mother died suddenly at a young age. We realized we needed to spare our children from that so got everything drawn up ten years ago. You need more than just a DPOA.

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graygrammie: Your post was very moving.

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Imagine parts of your brain missing & how that may change you. People with dementia don’t have control over their brain. They lose who they are. There isn’t anything they can do to stop it. Your husband in his earlier stages could be using distraction as a coping mechanism to comfort him. Talking to doctors help & sometimes anti anxiety meds are beneficial. They also will get frustrated & angry, trying to fight it. It’s a losing battle. Their loved ones are their lifelines. There will always be parts of them alive, that do show themselves now & then. But mostly your love & loyalty are caring for the shell of who they were. They would be horrified to think they may be a burden or to know about the things they do or say that they aren’t aware of. They can’t help it, they don’t know. You have to overlook what the disease has done to them & care for them as we would want done for ourselves. Give them love, security, peace as it progresses. Hospice can help as a long term plan so you have help along the way. Hang in there ❤️

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Every one is different and is effected differently.

Tall to his Dr about it.

Pray about it and ask husband how you can help him.

Sounds like he may be lonely and bored.

Maybe ya'll need to talk to someone together.

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What you describe CAN happen with dementia. I would suggest you get your husband an evaluation by a neurologist. His symptoms are consistent with micro strokes or tumors that are affecting portions of his brain dealing with communication and inhibition. His amnesia episodes may in fact be seizures. A neurologist is the best doctor to evaluate, diagnose, and treat these kinds of problems.

As for the impulse control issues. Please consider installing child controls on all phones, computers, and televisions to curb this behavior. Men tend to be "visual" in their desires, so control the visual input he receives since the world sure won't.

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My father started visiting dating websites a few years ago. He had multiple credit cards and we were suddenly getting fraud alert messages as he was charging the associated fees to his credit cards. He had never had these charges before, so at first I was assuring the companies that it must in fact be someone who got his card numbers. He swore that he never used the CC's to pay for anything on line. But once new cards came, the pattern continued. All of this was extremely out of character for him. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of a new normal. I ended up getting most of his cards cancelled and left non functional cards in his wallet that he kept trying to use for a couple years. He continued to access porn and chat rooms that were free, until he became basically unable to use his computer this year due to cognitive decline. He has exposed himself and made rude comments to female home care givers. He still prefers to watch TV shows that have "sexy" women or have a a strong sexual content in general. All of this is SOOOO not how he lived his life pre dementia. At first it was very difficult for me to accept and process but as his disease progressed it just became part of the symptoms that we had to do our best to "manage" and try to give him other ideas to occupy his time.
It was maybe for the best that he started this behavior when he did. It helped me to realize the extent of his condition at the time, which he had hidden fairly well. It gave me the impetus to get POA's made, look at his business affairs that were suffering and get control of those as well, and start to put together a plan for he and my mother knowing they would need assistance in the near future. It is a long and arduous journey, I wish you the best!!

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I’m sorry you’ve had to accept such a discouraging new normal. Your parents are blessed to have you looking out for them, even if dad can never understand. Wishing you peace

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This sounds more like fronto-temporal dementia. Talk to his doctor about the changes. This rype of dementia occurs at younger age and more drastically than Alzheimer's or vascular dementia.

The boundaries of behavior in his brain are going away due to disease. Maybe between medications for him and redirection of him to other interests, you can find some peace. He is the same man, but with a brain disease.

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Dementia is BRAIN DEATH. So, parts that say...don't do that! when they go...they are gone.

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My husband with has early onset alzheimers also has issues with grabbing women he doesn't know, which is so unlike him (one of them being my poor daughter in law) he has sun downers which he gets extremely mean, he has never layed a hand on me till about one year ago. Also when he sees attractive women on t.v. he starts reaching his hands out to them. definitely get POA before he gets bad my husband is going on 7 years now.

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Please don’t accept any physical abuse. Tell hubby’s doctor about it and work together on finding a plan to address it. Alzheimer’s doesn’t mean it’s okay to abuse

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Impulse control, as with every other function of being alive, can be totally upended by dementia. It is possible.

I think I'll leave it there. What matters most, surely, is how you and he decide to manage life for the best going forward.

Other people, among them your therapist and lawyer, may think it's best you face up to less palatable possibilities about the past but I don't agree that would help you. Look forward and decide between the two of you what your priorities are going to be now.

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Husband's personality/moral change. Any insights?

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