I live in Arizona. My mother, sister and brother live in Ohio. My brother is financial POA. My retired registered nurse sister was always my Mom's health POA. After her Alzheimer's diagnosis my brother took Mom to his lawyer to get her health POA changed to him. My brother has decided to take out his legitimate anger at the disease, out on me and my sister. He is verbally abusive. Now he has chosen to not respond to any communication from me. The last time we talked was 2 years ago. He ranted the whole time. Telling me to be quiet and listen, and then accusing me of hanging up when I did not speak. OK, so be it. What's not OK is that all the reports I get back from my sister who spends 6 hours on Saturdays and Sundays with Mom every weekend, tell me that my mother has no business living alone in a ranch style house in the country by herself. Her diagnosis was in 2018. She has not taken care of her home for years. She has not taken care of herself physically for at least 2 years. Two summers ago when her weight got down to 112 and my sister called me out of desperation I got Meals on Wheels started for her. When I arrived for a visit in October of that year, Mom had still lost 2 more pounds. For a week and 1/2 I sat with her when she ate. My sister and I brought her food and in that week, she gained six pounds. What I did not know at the time was that until my sister started calling me in the spring of 2019, she had tried to help with Mom's care, working with our brother. According to her description he would put up road blocks to her suggestions and health care expertise. Her calls to me were desperation about the situation. One of the main reasons I decided to visit, even though I was struggling with my own husband's memory issues was because my sister and brother were giving me two totally different pictures: my sister would say, I found a dead mouse in the trap and it was full of maggots, and I would call my brother and he would start the conversation with "it's not that bad." So when I got there I found mouse droppings everywhere. I found rotted food and breeding gnats in the fridge. I found old non perishables and candy jars infested with moths. I spend a week and 1/2 cleaning, researching care facilities, service providers. I extended my stay after making arrangements for my husband to be taken care of. I slept in my mother's home 2 nights because I'd learned that you have to stay with the person 48 hours to know what's really going on. I met with my sister and brother several times to discuss how we should proceed. My brother would agree in person to things he later would veto. My mother has deteriorated even more since that visit. I have tried to involve her minister and her grandchildren. I emailed my brother (actually his wife, he doesn't have email) resources and information on the research I'd done while in Ohio. I was served with a cease and desist letter from is lawyer, charging harassment, "upsetting Mom" who received nothing from me of these communications. I had spoken with a social worker, which my sister found, two lawyers, an elder lawyer, I have taken a course on taking care of the caregiver, from ASU. I have spoken to a manager of a care facility when I was concerned that my brother would bring his anger home, and, wanted to be assured that his wife had support from her family should she need it. Everything I've done has been construed as harmful to Mom. Even my visit where I cleaned out so much of her home that when APS visited they determined that she was being taken care of adequately. I wish they had looked in the cupboards where I had not been able to get to everything. Currently I have retained a lawyer and sent him as much background as I can muster, and the pictures I took and those my sister has sent to me. I don't know what I'm asking for here... just if anyone has any ideas on anything. My brain is so tired. I had nightmares for 2 weeks in 2019.
There are some things that absolutely do not make sense to me.
A person cannot legally obtain Mom's signature for POA after an Alzheimer's diagnosis, can they? Would that not be one legal approach?
This part here, way over-the-top:
"I have spoken to a manager of a care facility when I was concerned that my brother would bring his anger home, and, wanted to be assured that his wife had support from her family should she need it."
You do not say who lives in Mom's home with her. The brother and his wife?
If the sister is a retired R.N., and is with Mom two days a week, how is it that she is not calling APS, saying that Mom is not being fed?
Does your brother have a mental illness and/or anger management issues?
Is there someone else in your family that could become guardian or conservator of your Mom?
What exactly, were you asking the lawyers to do? If there was to be a legal battle to get care for your Mom, it would be naive to think your brother would not answer back with a cease and desist letter. That is part of the legal approach. What does your sister think can be done?
What did the lawyers tell you?
I think you need a plan. Or back off for awhile until Mom's case comes before the authorities, or she is hospitalized (and it would be an unsafe discharge to send her home).
If there is no alternate plan for her care, and your brother remains in charge through bullying and anger, then imo your mother has been abandoned.
Sorry you are going through this. I know of 3 cases where backing off has resulted in the patient getting the care they needed.
1. The person fell, was taken to ER and placed in a board and care.
2. The person had themselves admitted to an AL facility, the POA complied.
3. The person stayed in their home, was able to have home help come in, and remained living in an unsafe situation because of her cats and dogs, 10 + years now.
Hoping you get the help you need. It does seem that you have tried so very hard. One indication that you are succeeding may be interpreted by understanding that "NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED".
I would question the validity of the new document if your mother was diagnosed with ALZ and wasn't cognizant to execute documents. His actions could be considered as self dealing.
I would also question whether the attorney inappropriately prepared new documents, and whether or not the attorney acted in favor of your brother and not of your mother. In addition, if he had knowledge of her ALZ and didn't query her to determine her ability to understand the change, I believe that would be considered basis to report him to the state bar association.
Do you have any documentation of your mother's ALZ? Do you have a copy of the newer document?
The condition of your mother's house would I think be enough to involve state authorities, and address your brother's neglectful "care" of her. What you describe is an unsafe environment.
Personally, I would get aggressive: if the home is in a deteriorated state and the insects have returned, I would consider calling the county and/or state authorities and reporting the issue, including the fact that your brother is in charge. To me, this is abuse of an elderly person. There may be criminal charges that could be leveled against him.
If you can get the police or other authorities involved, I would ask for a police report, something documented, and take it to your attorney, raising the issue of injunctive relief. That could include a court hearing at which your brother would have to justify his "care" of your mother, and the possibility of being legally restrained from being involved in her "care".
Injunctive relief could remove your brother from the situation quicker than applying for guardianship, but the court would be involved at that point, and the issue of whether you and your sister are sincere would likely be raised by your brother. However, it seems as if he "has a short fuse", and if so, being argumentative or displaying inappropriate behavior in court could be his undoing, and he could be legally removed from care.
Your brother sounds like a nut job, but he's a nut job with legal representation.
Unless you plan to sue for guardianship in court and move your mother someplace close to you, you are just going to have to wait for a fall or illness that puts mom in the hospital. At that point, sister will need to tell discharge planning that mom is not safe at home.
I bet you were always the responsible child of the 3. Brother the golden child and Sis the baby. Well, its time for Sis and brother to grow up. If they cannot care for Mom, then she needs to be placed. Like said, the only thing you can do at this point is get guardianship. If you obtain it, you can pay yourself back from Moms money.
Your sister could have contacted the lawyer who wrote the Medical POA for brother. Was the lawyer aware there was already a POA in place? Was he aware that there was a ALZ diagnoses? If not, he could have revoked brother as POA and reinstated sister.
I would also question how brother is spending Moms money. I would have the lawyer ask for an accting. If he is mishandling it his POA can be revoked.
Again, the only way you can deal with this is to get guardianship.
APS is going to have to pop in unexpectedly in order to see the truth of how your mother lives and that she's not safe under your brother's care. Maybe they will agree to do wellness checks on her. It's certainly worth asking about. The worst they can do is say no, but at least you tried.
Some incident is going to have to happen to get APS and your brother to take your mom's situation seriously that she has dementia and cannot be living alone anymore.
All you and your sister can do is pray that whatever happens isn't devastating to your mother. You did all you could and there's nothing more you can legally do.
Concentrate on yourself and your family. Stay in touch with your mother as much as you can and offer whatever help you can give. That's all you can do.
They will determine if she is unsafe to continue to live as she is. Be warned, the bar for cleanliness is very high or is it low, people can live in squalor if they have the mental capacity to choose that. I am speaking from experience.
I am going to speak to you as a Dutch uncle. You need to calm down and take all the personal animosity and park it. You sound hysterical in your writing and I promise you, that will get you no where fast.
This needs to be about your mom's well-being. Not anything else. If you don't stick to mom you will get nothing accomplished.
I hope your mom is getting the care she needs and your worry is for naught.
Brother has all the 'power' and, sad as it is, sounds like he's got the law on his side. I'm truly sorry.
Yep, APS will come and do a quick wellness check and if the elder doesn't complain, isn't starving, has adequate food and shelter, they pretty much close the file.
I HATE the way my brother treats my mom, but it is a pointless endeavor to make any suggestions or (heaven forbid!) try to help. I stepped back long ago and now do only the bare minimum if she needs it. Brother is offended by every act on my part for help, and there's nothing I can or plan to do.
My DH is getting older, he's not quite 70 but acts more like 80. I don't think he will have a long life and I want to have some retirement years with him. So I have given up on trying to aid mom.
Stinks, I know, but it's not worth the anxiety I have over her care.
Okay, whatever. I think you proved my point.