Hello !
I am going through a tough period for many years since i was young with my mother. She is 70 years old and she suffered domestic violence. I took my mother to a different country as she was on the verge of being killed by my violent father. I was forced to live with my mother all my life she hated going out never made any real friends and always has been very isolated. She loves staying in the house in her room with her phone only cooks and goes food shopping once a week. Has a heart condition but refuses to see the doctor. Loves being in control does not allow me to clean house or wash dominates the kitchen and makes me feel bad about myself and is a bad communicator. She shouts at me when I ask for things to be done in a different way makes things awkward and sometimes I feel she wants me to live her life. She has relatives in her native country but clings unto me all life. States that she is looking after herself and does not need me yet I am the main provider of the house. Always interfered in my relationships as a mediator and I feel she keeps me isolated from the world. I also do everything from home like work etc and she is retired. I feel very unhappy and that I am wasting my life as she is so stubborn and being that we live in a small apartment she affects me. She refuses doctors, going socialising. What is this behaviour classed as ? I tried to tell a friend about this but no one seems to understand is it my role to have fights with her until she goes out? Can you help me please to try and understand what this behaviour means ?
But that isn't true. I am afraid I am the "mean girl" here--the tough love advocate.
I encourage grownups to take responsibility for their own choices, and to be independent because that's, as my mom said, what the world will require of us.
I encourage you to seek professional help for yourself. You are currently immeshed with your Mom, and you are acting in habitual patterns that you need help with from someone trained as a professional.
I encourage you to get the book Never Simple. It's a memoir by Liz Scheier, whose mother had mental deficits that Ms. Scheier and the entire social services of New York City and State attempted to deal with. All to no avail until the mom passed of old age.
I wish you the very best, but this is entirely in YOUR OWN HANDS. No one else can change your choices. Only you can do that. When we had legal needs we best see an attorney. Financial? Best see a CPA. And when we have challenges to our mental well being we need the same kind of professional help. I can only wish you the very best. Do KNOW that I am not without sympathy for you, but do also know that I refuse to see you as a victim. I know you can do this. It will be the hardest thing, perhaps, you will ever do, but you will be soooo proud of yourself when you do, and so much happier, and you won't need the approval of a parent or anyone else. You will be a contributor, not a victim. I believe in you. You CAN do this.
I had to chuckle to myself when you called yourself the "mean girl" on here, as I often think that folks on here may think I am a mean girl too, as I pretty much call things as I see them and don't put up with much B.S. like you.
If that makes us "mean girls" so be it. I know we both mean well.
That is not to say what you did for your mother wasn't a good and noble thing. It was. But you were not beholden to care for and live with her for LIFE after rescuing her! Why do you feel the obligation, or the compulsion, to do So? As an adult, your mother would survive if you were to leave and pursue a life of your own now. If you were to wait for her to die to be "released" from this self imposed prison, you may have 2 decades in front of you!
Get out while you still have the good years ahead of you.
It is possible that she is controlling you so that you do not suffer the same abuse. Although by doing this she is mentally and emotionally abusing you.
If you can find another place to live, away from your mother. I do not know if this is possible if she is living with you and she has no income of her own to afford a place. Or if you can afford a place on your own.
But you need to get away from the situation.
If you can see a therapist it would be a right step for you.
Your mom should also see one but that is beyond your control.
Only you can change your situation.
If living with your Mother is stifling your life, it is time to act.
Look for a therapist you can trust.
One that has experience with family trauma. Explain your situation.
I would think it is beyond a therapist's scope to name the actual reasons why your Mother behaves as she does (without meeting her), but they may hightlight common behaviour & communication patterns in families. (Enmeshment, fear, anxiety, PTSD, control issues can happen).
Being able to freely discuss these matters with a non-judgemental person can be very burden-lifting! It may help you understand.
From there, exploring your own reactions, finding what emotionally triggers you is next. Working on how to make changes to what you can: how you respond.
I am familiar with the person that is both needy+bossy. I believe fear is a big component. They seek to control their environment in order to quell their fears. This seems reasonable BUT when this includes attempting to control other people, this crosses into UNreasonable. Taking responsibility for their own fear would be better. Respecting other people (including their children, young or grown) can be encouraged. Understanding they are separate people to them - have their own rights to choose & control their own decisions. (Some may not ever understand this, but with good boundaries, others can be free of such control).
This may be a long journey for you.
But a life changing one full of hope & action towards a better futute.
The fact that your mom is angry at everything you do makes me think that she is going to be angry no matter what is done or not done.
So, my advice is to do whatever pleases you! She’s not going to be happy anyway. You deserve to be happy even if she is miserable.
Some people are angry at the world. Don’t be intimidated by her. Break cycles and do what you have to do. She will acclimate because she won’t have any other options.
Best wishes to you.
I hope you can make changes that make sense for YOU. 😊
Sure....it means that you need to cut the apron strings of this very unhealthy co-dependent relationship you have with your mother, and get on with living and enjoying your life.
Just because your mother has chosen to be a miserable, life sucking person, it doesn't mean that you have to continue putting up with her and her antics.
It sounds like perhaps this unhealthy relationship you have with your mother has in some way stunted your ability to mature into the adult that you should now be at the age of 43. And for that I am sorry.
You really need to move out on your own and let your mother fend for herself. She is NOT your responsibility!!! And she will be just fine without you there, and you will be fine without her too. She just has you brainwashed into thinking that you won't be. And that is so very cruel and abusive of a parent to do that to their child.
She was abused by your father and now she is abusing you. Someone(you)needs to stop this vicious cycle of abuse.
I do hope and pray that you can get out from under her hold, but it's all up to you.
I hope after reading all the answers on your post that you will find the courage to make the much needed changes in your life so you can get on and live your best life yet. It can be done if you really want it. It's up to you.