She takes care of herself. She was paying her bills. She cooks for herself. She could drive to the store and back. She did have way too many cats and her house was falling apart. her daughter stepped in. I am not sure, but from what I have seen is the daughter sold her house under market price. She then built a tiny home next door to her house, on her property. She had me bring her mom up to the home. On the way to the home, she texted me saying her sister-in-law had died. I asked what she wanted me to do. I would have taken her back to her home, as confirmed in texts I kept. She told me to bring her up anyway. My friend was looking forward to living in this nice place. The next day I texted to see how she was doing and the daughter went on about she was not prepared for her...we had talked about two months trying to get her mom out of her house. She told me she was going to put her mother in assisted living because her mother bothered her (the first night). When I made comment on how difficult it is being a care-giver, the daughter told me I had it wrong. She was not a care giver, she was the POA. My instincts were to pull back completely at that time, and I did. HOWEVER, even though the daughter would not tell me where her mother was, my friend, somehow, located my number and called me. She is in a place, a town, a community where she does not know anyone. She says they are kind to her. I believe she is imagining things, such as her daughter accuses her mother of having sex with her husband. She also said the daughter is going to have an ambulance come and take her to a mental hospital. I do not believe this. I do believe the daughter has manipulated her money to the point my friends inheritance is gone. The last conversation with the daughter she did not want me around my life-long friend. The daughter told me her mother was a druggie and drunk. Now, I know my friend as a younger woman smoked marijuana...she did not use narcotics. I know my friend likes her beer, but she is not and never has been an abusive drinker. I feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole with no way out except, completely walk away. I think she needs senior services, medical testing to determine how bad the dementia is, and probably an ombudsman to work this out. She is like a sister to me. We have been friends since 12. I went to visit her and she had no money, no adult diapers and only two pair of jeans. I gave her some cash for her to go to Walmart with the assisted living home. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can help her? She has been abused since childhood and has looked to me for answers all of our lives. No, I do not want to be involved. I just want her to have, for the last years of her life, to live independently for as long as possible and to have a say in her care.
Respectfully, work out what? Removing a woman from AL that her PoA deemed was necessary for her? Where would she go to live, with what money? Her daughter probably sold her house to pay for the AL.
You say you don't want to be involved but that's exactly what you seem to want to do. If your friend's cognitive decline isn't "that bad" yet, and she doesn't drink "that much" and doesn't have "too many" cats etc. then she doesn't need the PoA to manage her life (and her authority is then not active). This would mean she can leave the AL whenever she wants. But you wrote that she is telling you weird, mixed up stories (delusions)...so you know she's not fully connected to reality all the time anymore and her problem is only going to progress.
A re-test of her cognition/memory won't give a different result. Again: if your friend had all her faculties she could arrange to go to a doctor all by herself to get a second opinion -- but she doesn't, she needs your help to do it. Therefore, she's really NOT independent. IMO the daughter/PoA is keeping you out of the loop because you're interfering where you maybe ought not because you don't know all the facts and are acting on your emotions. Is there a reason to grieve this profound change in your friend's life? Yes. The way you help her is to visit her and continue to be her friend, and work on having peace in your heart about all of it.
A home in terrible repair, likely infested, would go for WAY below market value on the market. It was likely sold so that the tiny home could be built. And it was likely clear early on that those living arrangements wouldn't work for the daughter, who did not consider herself capable of caregiving.
The Mom is placed now in a place that is "kind to her".
Allow her to adapt to her living situation. Stay in touch with the daughter. Offer her support. Ask gently and periodically if she would consider allowing you to visit. Most nursing homes ask that no one visit for a period of perhaps a month.
Your friend has Dementia. You write that she is confused. This woman can not live independently. I would not make waves if you want to be able to see this friend. Meaning, keep ur thoughts to yourself. There is a reason the daughter said she didn't want you around her Mom. You must have said something she felt was none of your business. The daughter is now making decisions concerning the care of her Mom. Her daughter cannot keep Mom from calling you. When it comes to Depends and clothes the Assisted Living, if that is where she is, will call the daughter telling her Mom needs depends, toiletries and clothing. These are not supplied by AL. I realize you mean well but you need to help your friend adjust to what her life is going to be. If you make the daughters life harder, she can cut you off.
I understand you are good friends but were you around when daughter was raised? Maybe friends drinking effected the daughter. There are weekend alcoholics. They are good during the week while they are working but drunk all weekend long.
You say you don't want to be involved, then don't BE involved; just be her friend by providing companionship to her if you're able to visit, and leave the rest alone.