My mother was living with my sister in a filthy house with mold and animal feces. She fell and had a stroke. After being released from the hospital to a rehab/nursing. We had all agreed a nursing home was best. She agreed. After Awful care and neglect I got her out of nursing home and brought her into my house. I thought I could do it. We have never had a great relationship but I just couldn't have her being neglected (missing meds, dirty diapers all day, etc.)
I made a terrible mistake. She is verbally abusive and hateful, and down right MEAN!!!
I need to find another nursing home for her soon before I have a breakdown.
How do I go about doing this?
Who should I contact to do it or to help me? I honestly don't want to do anything else for her.
I am aware I put myself in this situation!! I was trying to do the right thing for her, but I am having panic attacks and don't want to be in my own home.
Please don't judge.
I'm reaching out for help of a mistake I made.
mad a side note…no one judges you here. We have or are walking in your shoes. Hugs!!
From your profile: "I'm afraid I may be making this decision out of my need to rescue ie: EMS. But I'm also looking forward to bonding with my Mother and having no regrets when she passes." I think, in a nutshell, this is what drove you to make the decision to move mom back in with you. I don't doubt you when you say her care was not good; but what was it that drove you to move her in with you rather than find another facility? I'm not judging you, nor criticizing you. You made what you though was the best decision at the time. It's not working out the way you had hoped. It doesn't make you a failure; it doesn't make you a bad daughter. There are loads of people who have done exactly the same thing you did. The question before you now is what are you willing to do to rectify it?
You need to be pragmatic. There is no facility out there that is going to do the job of caring for mom like you would. It is virtually impossible for any facility to be able to do that because, where you have only one patient to which to devote your time, they have many. When mom calls for you, you can "jump" to her needs; in a facility, she will likely have to wait. They are going to do things differently than you. Different doesn't automatically mean "bad" or "neglectful". If you weren't happy with her first facility - and it sounds like there was good reason! - then start to look for another. You have an advantage that many people here don't, in that you have a professional link to use to be able to do some research. Start asking around. When you bring patients into hospitals, ask some of the staff what they hear about various facilities. If they don't want to answer outright, phrases such as "well, if you were going to place your parent in a facility, which one would you pick/not pick?" See if they'll give you general info such as "yeah, we get a lot of UTI's coming out of such-and-such" place. No names of patients that might violate HIPPA laws. Arm yourself with information, then go and check out some of the places that are recommended.
Your mom's needs are only going to increase, especially with ALZ. Keeping her at home with paid caregivers will give you some breathing room, but eventually you are either going to have to have 24/7 care at home or you're going to have to find someplace for her where she can be safe.
You're a good daughter and your mom is very lucky to have you on her side, even if she doesn't realize it. Good luck!!
Nursing homes are not all bad. They are never like one's own home, but the conditions you describe are unforgivable and should probably be reported to the Health Dept. (or whoever is responsible in your state. Maybe the State Board of Nursing who usually inspects such institutions... at least in my state).
I am not Catholic, but in my experience, homes run by church or charitable organizations tend to be better. A patient doesn't always have to be affiliated with the organization to receive care. Also, there are independent organizations whose function is to help families find good care for their elders.
Be sure to visit, in person, any facility you consider. You have already noticed problematic areas in your mothers nursing home.
Good to visit at mealtime to see what help available for patients. You can observe the food, but don't be misled by some specially prepared diets such as pureed which look unappetizing but are needed by some residents. There should be a nurse near enough to assist at mealtime if needed.
When you enter the facility, does the place pass the "smell test". If common areas smell of urine or feces, beware. It's wise to take a knowledgeable person with you for an extra set of eyes (and nose).
Are residents who are out of bed, engaged in some activity (probably few will be, but watching TV is better than nothing). Based on your own experience, ask questions of anybody willing to talk to you. Make notes to yourself about what to ask.
God bless you for continuing to search out care for your mom, even though you are not especially close. She is very lucky to have a daughter like you who really cares!
Best if luck!
Your question is how to go about finding another nursing home. I'm fond of using Nextdoor.com to solicit opinions and references from actual neighbors. But first you need to know what type of care she requires: AL, MC or LTC? Then you need to know if she'll need Medicaid, and if so you'll need to help her apply.
In the interim if she has the funds you can hire aids to come in to provide in-home help, or contact social services to do an in-home needs assessment for services.
Use your personal friend network.
Do a private friends only post on Facebook asking if anyone has had a close friend or family member in a local nursing home. Ask your hairdresser, your fellow church members, etc. That way you have an idea of places you want or even more importantly don't want.
Dont get sidetracked by the "shiny". Clean and well kept, yes a must. But older is OK. When you visit see how the staff interacts with the residents. Unfortunately especially right now a lot of turnover is happening, and they are often short staffed.
As far a logistically, try to get some respite caregivers in from an agency to get you relief, and give you time to get things sorted. If hospice is an option, use them. They've been great with my mom, who is in Memory Care. A Dr visit monthly, a nurse visit weekly, a social worker and chaplin visit every 2 weeks, and an aide every day comes to check her out and help her get dressed every weekday and also bathe. They would also be a great resource in getting her placed.
My mom's doctor had a social worker associated, so they may be able to help. I think that if you find a place you want they have staff to help you get paperwork and transfer done.
A final resort would also be to transport her to hospital, and then have them arrange placement, but I don't know how much choice you get in the matter at that point. But if it comes to that, you need to know where you don't want her to go, so you can advocate for her to be placed elsewhere.
Finally, give yourself a break. You ARE helping your mom. You got her out of a bad situation, and you are doing the best you can right now, and you realize that you can't meet all her needs. You are going to find the best place to meet her needs, and that is a blessing for her.
Also, remember, nothing has to be permanent. If it works for awhile, then you think it is time to make a change, you can do it then.
Now, if you have her taken to a doctor and he doesn't diagnose her with dementia, then it's time to lay down some ground rules and be ruthless with them. You tell her to keep her damn mouth shut, and you lay down whatever other rules you want her to follow. If she refuses, then you call the APC and let them know that you can't deal with her as she is being unreasonable.
Research other placement options. When you find one that you believe will do a better job than the last one, you move your mother there. She does not have to agree. If she cannot take care of herself, she need to be in a care facility.
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