So Mom was discharged from the hospital, will not go to a SNF, and I stay the nights at her home away from mine. I hired a caregiver during the day but tonight I was a literal scullery maid. The dinner I made was not good or creamy or saucy, “I want real food,” but she has no appetite and throws half of it in the garbage, and I could not get water hot enough, move fast enough, and nothing. This is hell how do I get out?
”I don’t understand it any more than you do, mother,” i said. I walked out of her room and am staying in another for a while. My brother just called to see how she’s doing, and I told him in no uncertain terms how the night went. He told me he would support me putting her in a home. Getting her to say yes to it is the hard part. I need a medical professional to do so.
I have told on her to the PT and OT that come to the house. She lies and says, “yes I got up today,” “yes I did my exercises today.” When they see she’s not progressing they’ll know.
I’m not progressing either.
I remember my own mother heaving (as much as she could "heave") a tray of dinner at me b/c the milk was warm or something. I just stood there in shock that NOW I had to help her up and clean up the mess. This was probably 50 years ago, after some surgery she'd had, or maybe one of her "spells"....don't remember. (I was about 12, I remember that)
Mother also did PT when the "guys" showed up and once they left never so much as picked up a stretch band. I fought for "eternal PT" which her LTC policy would have paid for but brother won't let people in to help her.
Your mom needs more care than you can give her, and the sharp and nasty way she talks to you is not OK. And you sleep there every night?
You know that this has to change, right? She needs more than a day caregiver and you at night. She needs to be 24/7 care. It's too bad she is going to hate it.
IF I had "control" over my mom, she would be in an ALF apartment and get to do a ton of activities and actually go places. I'm not and have zero say in anything. She complains constantly, but when it gets to be too much, I walk out. Sometimes I don't come back for months.
Start looking in ALF's--and checking to see what mom qualifies for. She is not going to get better, sadly, none of us does--but when you have all the ducks in a row, start showing her what you've chosen and get her input as much as you can as to decorating, etc.
When she's mean, you leave. Tell her "You are not allowed to talk to me like that" and walk away.
Also, tell her that she needs to do what the therapist tell her so she can get back to as normal as she can be. Explain that you are not going to be able to do everything for her. She has to do that for herself.
And I know that she will be non compliant in an effort to go home.
I have a husband and a house, and here I am staying in my old childhood home which i hate. I have to stay because she falls too many times.
She sees her doctor (with me) Wednesday and I’m going to sing like a canary. No she doesn’t do the exercises, no she doesn’t eat, she needs to be readmitted, or I do.
Is your mother in a lot of pain? I think when an elder is in pain they can become very irritable. Talk to her doctor and perhaps the doctor can come up with some pain relievers or antidepressants to alleviate anxiety.
I also thought of the nursing home route, but we decided to go with in-home caregivers. Do what you feel you can do. Remember, if you select a nursing home you won't have to deal with all these issues on a daily basis, which can become very aggravating. In retrospect I wish I went this route. Get a medical professional to help you with this decision.