Last night my husband had a nurse call me from the rehab he's in. He said, "please get me out of here before I commit suicide, they're all crazy here". He was admitted to rehab for several reasons. He fell in bathtub. His BM movements are loose and often. He has Parkinson disease, Neuropathy, cannot walk and a dementia. After 3 days in hospital, I was denied. I told them he was spitting up blood and no one listened. At rehab, I told them he was spitting up blood. They gave him a chest x ray and found he had pneumonia. Now I am appealing this denial of 3 days in hospital. He is now getting treatment for pneumonia. He is very unhappy there and misses home. He can be there for 20 days. I applied for Medicaid and hope I can have help here at home when he's discharged.... however, I want to take him home as soon as pneumonia clears up. I miss him here. I keep running back and forth with food he eats. He eats nothing there. He is a sweet man and never complains about anything I do. Married over 60 years. Am I doing wrong to take him home? I feel lost without him. It's terrible. We've never been apart. Both my sons think I should consider long term for him. Sometimes he's so lucid but last night after I spoke to him about the treatment he needs, he said "OK, "I'll go back to the hotel room". Sometimes he thinks he's in Vegas or Florida. But he snaps out of it when I reassure him that he's being well cared for in rehab. Really want him home. I know I can take care of him the best way I can. What do all of you think ?
I am so very sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. I’m sure your sons are with you now and helping you the best they can. Be gentle with yourself. You made the right decisions and his passing is not because of something you did or didn’t do. Hugs.
Take time to grieve. Be thankful that you have supportive family and friends, and contact them as you need.
Two years ago, out of nowhere. my DH ended up in the ER with a UTI. His INR was found to be 17. Can you imagine? And no reason was ever found. So really, it can apparently go haywire at times just out of the blue.
Be gentle with yourself, lean on your friends and know that your best friend is at peace. (((((((Hugs))))))))).
I would listen to your children, they are thinking with their heads not their hearts. As I said before, if you can't live without him being there at nights, then go into AL together.
He is not lucid and you are not thinking clearly, you couldn't handle his care before, you certainly cannot handle it now,, as he will continue to get worse.
I wish you the best!
at home. Granted, if we could have done things differently, we would have, but I lived 350 miles away and my mom just couldn’t handle it by herself anymore. It had to be. It was a really nice new NH and he got good care. My dad was never a social butterfly, but he made friends and enjoyed the activities. My mistake was when I transferred him from the first NH to the one down by me so I could see him more. My mother had moved down here with us just prior. My dad did not take the transfer well and he went into a depression and gave up a week later. He had aspirated pneumonia again and wouldn’t let the hospital do any life-saving treatment. So while many don’t have the decision to move their loved ones from NH to NH, moving them back and forth from NH to home and then back to the NH again when things get difficult, is not easy on them or us. I say leave him to acclimate and eventually he will settle in and you can visit him and still tend to him. It is the hardest thing we will ever have to do. I still question, but now that my mother is 93 yrs old, and I have to care for her, I am weary. And she is still of sound mind and still fairly mobile. But she is blind and deaf now and can’t do a lot of things on her own. And she is in end stage congestive heart failure. She is on hospice for this and they take good care of her, but they are not full time caregivers! My health is very bad now. We are not made to be full time caregivers. I don’t know anyone who said they loved it unless they had lots of help. But that is rare. Try to get over your guilt and do what’s best for him and let him settle in without thoughts of coming home. It will not get easier for you. It will only get more difficult. Your children are protecting you too.
Peace be with you.
Have you looked into a continuing care facility where you could both live and where he could get increasing amounts of care as needed?
Even if you qualify for Medicaid, that won't pay for the amount of care you are going to need for him. You will need to be prepared to pay all or most of that out of pocket.
"Going back to the hotel room" isn't such a bad delusion.
I know this is a hard decision. I had to make that almost 3 years ago after living with my husband 62 years. My son and I decided I just could no longer care for him safely at home. We placed him in a memory unit and although it was difficult, I am able to visit as often as possible. I need tell him I am going home, but that I have to leave for a little while to take care of our little dog, Suzie. And I always reassure him that I will be back soon. He is unable to do anything but feed himself. He has Ahlzeimer's Disease with vascular dementia, and still knows all of us but memory resorts to things in the past most of time. I bring him little treats that I know he will enjoy like red grapes, favorite cookies, etc. but just enough to eat at the time.
Ruth
I understand that you miss him at home. Understandable. But PLEASE do not let that be a determining factor driving your desire to bring him back home. From many things you've said, it is too much work. You are burnt out, etc.
I like the idea of you both moving into AL. Then you can get some help and still have some independence. There IS a limit to how much you can do for another person.
I know this is hard, so hard, but you need to step back a bit and try to make your decision from your head and not your heart. Think ahead to what it will be like in a week, a month, etc. I really think it would be too hard for you - not you, but anyone.
My DH had pneumonia but we didn't want him to go to the hospital, he was already 96 and afraid. We tried everything but his pneumonia dragged on for 2 months. Finally I called a friend and asked her about the Colloidal Silver she was using, I bought the Colloidal Silver Nasal Spray and in only a few days, the pneumonia left his lungs.
The pneumonia took much of his memory but he did recover and I was able to keep him home until his last breath and have been thankful I did that. So yes, if you want him at home with you, bring him home.
Stitch, call your sons, you NEED their support. Ask one or both of them come and stay with you for awhile. They support you and see how the care you have been providing is harming you. They do not want to lose you. They cannot read your mind.
Re-read your thread from a couple of weeks ago. We all support you and are with you. Stitch, you cannot do this alone like you were before. You are aging too.
Preliminary:
First of all his bowel movement should NOT be loose and often--he may have C. diff diarrhea or other problem, and should have a workup on that. He may even need a colonoscopy if the C. diff test came back negative. If he's been on antibiotics definitely check on C. diff diarrhea. It's only a stool sample and do NOT get him discharged with diarrhea without knowing the cause. If they discharge him get him back to the hospital and TELL THEM you will do that. DO NOT let them discharge him without knowing why he is having loose stools.
Second consideration. He may be aspirating his food already..their swallowing gets very poor and food may be going into his lungs. That needs to be evaluated. So he may need a feeding tube. A person can still aspirate with feeding tubes IF you tube feed them too fast or they slouch down during feeding. Tube feeds require STRICT SUPERVISION, and they need good oral care. You MUST brush their teeth and gums because oral bacteria can cause pneumonia. Do not EVER leave a patient alone while tube feeds are in progress.
With Parkinson's disease he will eventually lose the ability to eat and walk, so talk to him about a feeding tube. The feeding tube requires its own kind of care. GET ADVANCED DIRECTIVES. Would you be able to change his diapers, and can you lift him to the chair with a Hoyer lift. If he chooses no feeding tube be mindful it can take 2 to 3 weeks to die of dehydration.
There is a lot of BACK BREAKING physical work involved with home care and depending on your condition you may not be able to do it. It's possible to do that, but can YOU do it. Can you clean his poop. If you say you can't clean up his feces then organize a nursing home placement.
I work in a Memory Care community as a front desk receptionist. Every single day I interact with husbands & wives who have had to place their spouses in Memory Care because home care was just TOO much after a while. But these spouses come every single day to see their loved one.........every day, sometimes multiple times each day, even. And so both of them thrive. One gets the care he/she needs each day while the other gets to go home and rest comfortably without the burden of worrying if the other will make it through the night. BOTH get to have a life of their own without burdening the other too drastically.
Please consider these words carefully, as you can do the very same thing with your dear husband if you place him in Skilled Nursing. I know how very difficult all of this is for you, especially at 80 years old after 60+ years of marriage, and my heart goes out to you. But you have to also consider YOURSELF in this equation, okay? If you take him home and you both fall, then you'll BOTH be in dire straits!!!
Take care and be well, dear woman.