I cared for my mother for 14 years without any pay or thanks. My sister was the executor and now she’s billed the estate for her “work.”

An executor is entitled to 5% of the estate. Not sure if that is before or after expenses occured after the death. All my Mom had was a house and its been a headache. Check with probate and ask if she is entitled to more than her 5%.

Send the estate a bill for your 14 years of care. I doubt she’ll pay it but you can make your point. You are morally entitled.

You should file a bill against the estate, you are legally entitled as well, then she can get her pay and you can get yours.

Don't do it for free. Stand up for your rights.

While I definitely feel you are entitled to a Caregivers wage for the care of your Mom, you would have been better served if you had had a Caregivers Contract for pay in place during the time that you cared for her, and had a better leg to stand on, after the fact. If your Sister is Decent and Fair, she may give you this obvious consideration, but it's the Whole "after the fact" that you might have trouble getting around.

If you weren't paid during the time that you cared for your Mom, then have a calm sit down with your Sister to discuss, and if she comes back at you with the old "well you lived with Mom for free", "ate for free", oh Mom gave you gas money" or should have been doing the care out of the kindness of your heart", and other excuses, and then explain that you missed out on prime earning years in your career, and all of that money you Could have been putting away into your Retirement and SS, as that is where us Caregivers get hurt in the end, by not realizing just how much it hurts us to give up our jobs and our lives to care for our Parents, and unfortunately it's our siblings who do not always see it that way.

I do hope she is reasonable, and is Fair to you in some way, as you certainly deserved it, but I would doubt that she will offer you 14 years of RN pay, that's for sure. Try to be realistic in your request, with a dollar amount for each year you cared for her. Good luck!

Sadly, the law is on your sister's side, Stinks, I know. Executors are entitled to a percentage of the estate or a fixed sum for hours spent "working" on the disposition of the estate.

You absolutely should receive something--were you cut out of the will completely? Did you have any kind of CG arrangement made with mom?

Try talking rationally to sister, and if she doesn't see fit to compensate you appropriately--if she doesn't see your side in this, perhaps consult an attorney. HOWEVER--attorneys can cost you more than you stand to inherit. It's up to you how you handle this.

Auntiedodo,

I wish I could answer your question, but I am in your shoes and looking for help too.

I was shocked to see that my NPD sister has filed a claim against my mom’s estate for caregiving. She lives over 1,000 miles away and visited mom twice a year. She did set up auto payment for my mom’s expenses and during her December visit collected mom’s tax documents for delivery to a CPA. Mom paid for the taxes and the CPA.

I was hands on caregiving. Mom was a hoarder and I had to

Auntiedodo,

This is my third attempt at getting my answer, in whole to you. I keep getting tossed from the site.

Mom was a hoarder and I had to stay in a hotel during my visits. During the first three months after mom’s dementia diagnosis, I spent 51 nights in the hotel, paid for gas, oil changes, tires, and never never expected or requested reimbursement. I only asked that mom paid for her scripts, groceries and repairs to her house.

My sister is also claiming that by not reimbursing herself for mom’s expenses during those years that my mom’s investments have grown and she is entitled to the growth money. What? Are you kidding me?

People in general with NPD are extremely money oriented, pay back oriented and feel entitled to anything and everything they please.

We are co representatives of the estate and I am not going for this bogus claim.

If she decides to pursue her claim, I have a back up. The day mom was diagnosed, her MD told me that mom required 24/7 care and could no longer drive. I called my sister and she said she would contact a friend of my mom’s who owned and operated a sitter service. And she did.

She hired a sitter to come in and make sure mom was taking her meds. She hired the sitter for 2 HOURS A DAY.
Her caregiving at its best I guess.

In addition, the Neurologist explained the very serious adverse side effects of a medication he prescribed for mom. She needed observation during the first three weeks. I disused this with my sister because mom was experiencing those affects. My sister did not agree with me to discontinue the medication.Three weeks on the meds just about killed her and she was in the hospital for 13 days. Another example of caregiving? I was present in the hospital for those 13 days. I bet you can guess who wasn’t.

I have always kept my sister informed and try not to challenge her. This is not the case when it comes to me. She wrote herself a sizable check from the joint estate account and I found out when the statement arrived in the mail. The remaining cash in the account belongs to me after the estate is settled. Unbeknownst to me, she just wrote another check from my inheritance last week after telling her it was unacceptable. But again she feels entitled to do anything she wants without informing anyone and enjoys the shock value I receive at her hand.

I don’t know who to talk to or what to ask. From what I have read, her claim must be reviewed by and approved by the probate judge. I really don’t want to have to hire an attorney, but I will to protect what is rightfully mine as well as my sanity.

I was very overwhelmed and upset about what she is doing, however I am not going to sink to the extreme level of greediness and claim my expenses. I am entitled but clearly helped mom from my heart. But I will contest her 6 year after the fact claim for personal caregiving. She loves to see me upset and suffering, but now that I know that, I will never again let her see me sweat again.

I originally felt the same way you did and wanted to file a claim for my expenses. But I have decided not to delay the closure of the estate so I can rid myself of the NPD burden I have dealt with for the last 50 plus years.


I hope you are taking care of yourself. It was clear to me years ago how much she has put me through. For me, I would rather be a little light in the wallet than to suffer more
anguish and abuse from a person with NPD. Now that both parents have passed, I no longer have to pretend that everything is okay and can walk away from her, which is what I intend to do the same day moms estate is settled.
Best of luck to you in whatever path you take.

Yes, as Midkid says, Executors are entitled to at least 6% of the estate. Some take it others don't. This is taken off the top, then they get the share that was left to them. Well maybe not the top. Leans and bills have to be satisfied first I would think. But at least 6% of what is left. So if there is 100k left, Executor gets 6%, 6k, leaving 94k which gets split 3 ways. 30+k each. They are not entitled to more than the law allows.

She doesn't bill you. She takes it before the rest is split. She is not entitled to 6% if there is no estate. No money, no executor fees. Lets say there is 10k left. She gets 600, brings it down to 9400 that is split among the beneficiaries. You personnally cannot be billed, the estate is billed.

Actually the amount the executor is entitled to depends on where they live. It’s not 6% in every state OR country.

In answer to worried. I was wrong about the 6% it actually five as I posted prior. This is NJ probate

Income Commission
Under New Jersey law, an executor or administrator need not volunteer his time. Instead, he is entitled to 6 percent of the income earned by the estate. This is typically in the form of interest from money held in the estate bank account. For instance, assume the deceased person's home was sold for $100,000 and this represented all of the money in the estate bank account. If the estate took one year to settle and $10,000 in interest was generated, the representative would be entitled to $600 (.06 X 10,000).
Corpus Commission
The representative is also entitled to a fee equal to a percentage of the total value of the estate or "corpus." The percentage is graduated, allowing the representative to claim 5 percent for the first $200,000 of the gross estate's value, 3.5 percent for the value between $200,000 and $1 million, and 2 percent on amounts over $1 million.