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I'm in my early 30s, and my father (72) has been in a nursing home since 2020. He has not walked and does not desire to walk. He does not care about his hygiene or life. He has given up on himself



He has been depressed for sometime and even though we have urged him to get help, he refuses and continues to suffer.



I try to see him once a month and will pick up my mother (70) to go see him. She is not all the way mobile, so usually when I see them both, it turns out to be an exhausting day for me.
He was able to walk before but refused to and now here we are. I grew up in a dysfunctional household (alcoholism, mental illness) and my parents decisions have left them lonely. They were good parents, but they just had their own issues. My dad was emotionally distant but he provided. I've done work on myself to unlearn disfunctional behavior but I struggle with my own mental health issues.



And each day seems like a battle to not succumb to depression because I know where it can lead. I've done therapy, try to exercise, pray, be creative, and eat healthy. But lately, those things don't seem like enough. I have a lot of resentment towards them both because I feel cheated out of being parented in my adult life. I look at my friends and their parents babysit for them, and have them over for the holidays. One day I do want to have children, but sadly they won't be able to be active grandparents.

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Puppies leave the litter, leave their sires and dams, and GO ON to new and different lives! Your parents weren’t great? Well, you don’t have to be a “great” daughter. Move forward, leave them to their lot, and don’t look back.

But you won’t do it, I fear. When people ask questions like this one, I foresee that they are already preparing themselves for a hand-wringing life of service and martyrdom. Just know you DO NOT have to do it.

Get over the idea of grandparents for your kids. That ship has sailed. Just do NOT neglect any future kids while catering to these pointless adults who half-assed your upbringing. Please?
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
I can see what you are saying and I don't want to commit to a "whoa is me mentality". It doesn't help anyone.

Thank you for saying that I don't have to do anything. I know my parents have their own trauma that they haven't dealt with and that impacted their abilities to parent me.

They did the best with what they had. I never wanted for anything and they did instill into me integrity, faith, honesty and internal value.

I agree I don't want to neglect future children to care for them. Thanks for your perspective.
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How do you honor your parents? By YOU having an awesome, happy life, with balance between helping others and helping yourself. If you’re a good human being AND very happy, what more could your parents want?
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
Thank you! I really appreciate this!
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OP, I think you are looking for the best in everyone., and punishing yourself when you can’t find it. Stop.

Dad: he won’t walk for himself. No hygiene, he’s given up. He’s depressed, won’t get the help that’s offered. In your childhood (“dysfunctional household - alcoholism, mental illness”), he provided but was distant. It sounds as though he would like it all to come to an end – and perhaps he’s right. Find what you can ‘Honor him for”, and leave the rest to him. You can’t make him change.

Mother: she sounds a bit better. Take her for the monthly visit, and leave her there. They may get on better alone. Pick her up at the end of the day.

Yourself: quit the resentment. My father left when I was 5, and haunted me until I was over 30. Look after yourself and your family. Find nice friends, do favors so you can get some back. Don’t wallow in the past.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
“Don’t wallow in the past.”

Good advice.
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The bright and shiny picture of family life often doesn't hold up in real life. That's a fact. If you're in one of those dysfunctional situations, you don't have to further it.

Honoring your parents means respecting their (sometimes awful) life choices, such as alcohol, but it doesn't mean you have to pour the alcohol down their throats for them! It means standing back and letting them lie in a nursing home bed until they die, as with your father. It means, possibly, taking mom to visit dad as you do, but it doesn't mean staying there with her. You could go to the store and come back later for her. Or go for a walk, or talk to some of the other visitors outside, or anything you wish. In other words, decrease your involvement rather than increase it. Honor thyself for all that you do. Nothing wrong with that.

Honoring your parents is a subjective thing. You are the one to decide according to your principles how you do that. I often think that too much is made of it. It's a commandment, sure, and if you're religious, you want to follow the commandments. But keep in mind that the commandments were written for a long-ago time. In Biblical times, honoring parents may have meant something quite different. People didn't live as long as they do today. Like maybe 50 years less. And back then honoring your parents might have meant letting them ride the best camel. Or carrying their water in a pottery jar from the well half a mile away. Or not complaining about the fleas living in the straw on the floor of their tent. Or if they hit you with a switch, don't hit them back.

As for grandparents, some are good and some are bad. I wouldn't be wishing for grandparents for your unborn kids at all if I were you. That's way too much wasted energy on something that hasn't happened (kids), that may not happen, and perhaps you won't want to happen when it comes right down to it.
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
Thanks for sharing and you are right. Definitely want to do more diving into what it means to honor your parents.

Just so I have a north star and not following the Bible in word only, but to understand the context etc.

You are correct, I don't want to waste energy thinking about something that may not happen.

I'd rather put that energy into building a community of friends and family.
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I see so many folks here making reference to the Biblical commandment to honor one's parents.

I am a Jew. We take this to mean "do not dishonor your father and mother in the public square". Don't shame them, don't cause them public humiliation.

Most readers here are Christian. Did Jesus give up his path, his ministry, his job to care for his mother? He consigned her to the care of another.

Can you not do the same with honor?
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Hothouseflower Jul 2023
excellent point, Barb
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Not all things can be fixed or changed. To me I read you accept where your family is at well, with some sadness for now & even grief at the future that wasn't to be.
That's understandable. Totally valid to feel however you do feel.

Someone once said to me "That is the hand you were delt". That simple statment helped me (not sure why) & has stayed with me.

A friend of mine lost one parent as a child, the other as a young adult.
When she became a Mother she did have sadness over what could have been. However, when she married, she gained a set of wonderful active Grandparents to be. She also used daycare & had a wide circle of friends so there were plenty of 'Aunties' & 'Uncles'.

Look for good 'Aunties & Uncles' to add to your life. I know they will not replace your parents, but may help fill some of the gap.

Once a month visit seems a good comprimise to me. Balancing the heaviness & awkwardness of the day VS guilt at not going at all.

Keep up your social connections, hobbies & activities that enhance your life, add enjoymenr, support & fun. The Black Dog can be a bearable life companion if it is trained well & isn't the boss.
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
Thank you! And yes that's what my husband and I are doing now, building a circle of friends so we can do life together. And I do have siblings as well. So a great family legacy will come from us, but working through our own trauma and learned dysfunction can be exhausting.

I had to look up Black Dog. That's a way to describe depression. Never heard of that before. Thank you for your advice.
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May be an unpopular choice these days but a good church family could fulfill many of the needs you mention. For example, grandparents. So many of us have grandchildren that live away so we love on the other babies in our lives. My daughter loved about 4 hours away for a long time so when “grandparents day” at school was in the middle of the week, our grands had stand-ins from their church. This couple would show up and play the role. They didn’t overstep, they just loved our kids too. There were others who would help my daughter during the service as her husband was the Pastor. The didn’t do a whole lot of babysitting but they traded babysitting with other families in the same circumstance.
Additionally, Faith can very often help with the issues of depression, etc. it’s not a cure, mental I’ll Ed’s is real so please don’t think I’m discounting that but I had a friend at church years ago who suffered from crippling depression. He once didn’t leave his house for nearly two years. When he finally got his meds right, he started back to church and he was so happy to be back. He shared with me all the things that other members had done for him during his dark times and the difference they made. He felt comfortable coming back and rejoining after being away for so long. He even told me one guy wrote to him every single week.
mid this sounds like something that you want to try, I suggest looking for a church with a strong “small group” ministry. This is the best way to get to know people quickly who share some of your interests or are in the same life stage you are.
After my divorce in 2007, I was depressed and embarrassed but my church family loved me through it. Most never even asked what happened, they just embraced me and made me feel less alone.
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
I am a woman of faith but decided to step back from attending church, because of the situation with my dad.

I was "serving" in church at the expense of myself and took a break to work on myself, serve those I'm closest too and really dig into what and why I believe. My faith has gotten stronger through this process.

Thanks for the advice though. I did witness these grandparent like relationships within my small group. I agree that church can be a place to get support, give support and bear each other's burdens.
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Do you still go to therapy ? Sounds as if you are grieving the type of parents , ( future grandparents ) that will never be .

Do you spend a considerable amount of time on social media ? I would limit that until you are feeling better . Comparing your life to others is not helpful to you .

You need to honor yourself first .
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
I am actually off of social media for that reason. My husband and I have a really great circle of friends, so we are aware of how our friend's parents show up for them.

And I sometimes fall into the thought pattern of realizing that we will have to have children the hard way.

No built in support from grandparents on his side (his mother is pretty young and still working) and my side (my parents can barely take care of themselves).

We will most likely have to find a baby sitter or daycare. Definitely grieving what could have been and realizing my husband and I will be the parents and grandparents our parents should have been. But part of me longs to be parented as an adult now, but that won't happen. I'm still figuring things out. My mom gives advice here and there, but she's usually coming from a limited perspective.
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I say this as a child of parents that operated on the concept of love is unnesscary. They provided and cared for me not out of love but obligated. They gave me everything I needed to succeed in life. Not once did they ever say I love or I am proud of you. Even in the end nothing.

I will say no one is perfect, all families have issues and drama. Sometimes parents are stuck in their ways and as the child you have to become the adult and compromise meeting them half way.

Try to find some common ground, cause once they are gone they are gone. Do what you can so when that time comes you can be at peace.
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
Thanks for providing a big picture-long term perspective.

It helps everything not to feel so heavy and dark. Eventually they will not be here and I will have to live on.

I don't want resentment to take root in my heart and then that negatively impacts my future relationships. Thank you for your advice!
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You may not find that YOUR parents will be involved grandparents for your future children. But, there are lots of people who are willing and eager to “adopt” some!

In your church or other community, you may get to know some middle aged people whose grandchildren are far away, or don’t have any at all.

We have some kiddos in our lives that we love to love on, and they aren’t blood-related. 🩷🩵
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SeekingPeace1 Jul 2023
Thank you! This a good perspective and confirms that we are on the right path with building our friend group.
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