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My mother lives in S. FL. I came down after leaving NYC, but wasn't planning on staying. Due to a number of falls over the last 8 years I was advised by the social worker at the last rehab two years ago to put her on hospice in our home to keep her safe. She is 97 and has really declined. Seems like the end is near. On top of the dementia, constant shaking (can no longer use walker) and sleeping most of the time. I am exhausted mentally and physically from caregiving, doing this on my own with no family or support. I've asked hospice for advice, researched ALFs, hired an aid who was disrespectful (currently terminated). Don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for reading.

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Facility care. Sometimes elders get beyond what can be handled by loving hands at home. This is way beyond your pay grade! Let professionals take over, and you rest. You can visit anytime you want. Think about it - why is she more important than you are?
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ExhaustedInFL27 May 20, 2026
I've been thinking about everything. It's been difficult to do this alone.
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Has she been assessed for LTC? Maybe try that route instead of hospice. In-home hospice won't give you much relief unless you hire in-home aids or she's transitioned into a hospice facility.

Like has been suggested, it may be fruitful to call 911 . Once there in the hospital she can be transitioned directly into a SNF or other LTC. I know it feels like an overwhelming amount of stressful work right now but once you have a sustainable solution in place, things will finally improve.

FYI my Aunts lived in south FL for decades and were very clean people. It is difficult to keep the roaches and palmetto bugs out of the house... some are bound to get in.
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Do you have a hospice home you could check out? There are also other types of facilities that will work with hospice.
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ExhaustedInFL27 May 20, 2026
I know they have facilities for respite care that work with hospice. There was only one place that had an empty bed, and the reviews cited roaches and negligence. I'll speak to the nurse again tomorrow.
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Even a facility where "reviews cited roaches and negligence" would relieve the pressure on you and add an extra level of care, you could spend as much time with her as you do now (all day if you choose) but still have other hands to help with the difficult tasks plus the ability to go home and sleep through the night.
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How is it even reasonable for a social worker to suggest, "put her on hospice in our home to keep her safe"????? Since hospice comes in almost never, YOU are the one "keeping mother safe" not Hospice! Social workers talk a good talk but have never walked the walk, the vast majority of them.

Now YOU have to take the bull by the horns and make the decision yourself to place mother before you need hospitalization. Forget about reviews online. I had my mother go to a 5 star Medicare rated rehab SNF which turned out to be a hellhole I wouldn't put a dog in. I had to get her out of there in short order. Go check out a few places yourself and pick one. Florida has a problem with bugs. Period. Realize that and look past it. Make up your mind and release yourself from this self imposed burden.

Good luck and Godspeed.
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Word to the wise: Sometimes doing it alone is easier than having to deal with friends or family who have their own ideas about how things should be done. The resulting turmoil is something no caregiver needs! With my dad, Rude Aunt always had to get her two cents in, and she was usually wrong. For instance, she insisted that he didn't have dementia, he was just bored, and if I'd get him Sudoku books, he'd be fine. He most certainly had dementia and couldn't do Sudoku, which she would have known if she spent any time helping him. Wacko!? And mom, who washed her hands of the whole thing with dad's dying while proclaiming that she couldn't think of a thing to do to help. When I suggested she and her companion pick up some things at the grocery store, she went, "Oh, I'll have to think about that one," and she never did it or offered anything else. Count your blessings that you don't have to answer to any wackadoodles and that you are in charge. That being said, I know how hard it is, and I hope you find workable solutions soon.
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ExhaustedInFL27 20 hours ago
Thank you! Prior to my post last night, began to put a plan in place that will hopefully prove to be a workable solution which began today. Re: your post about family, I don't do well with bossy, know-it-all types, and those of that ilk. It's best for me to discard people I consider toxic.
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FWIW, in Florida the palmetto bug is everywhere. That might be the "roaches" comment that you saw. Keep looking at different facilities and tour as many as you can. Get your mom on all the waiting lists you can as well.
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I had roaches in my farmhouse kitchen, and in spite of best efforts they survived. I’ve read that they would be the most likely thing to survive a nuclear explosion. Someone who had not experienced this might think that it meant a negligent approach to cleaning and everything else. It doesn’t!
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MargaretMcKen 19 hours ago
Thinking again, it probably depends on the age of the building and the number of cracks in surfaces.
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I've been thinking about everything. It's hard to do this alone.
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MTNester1 20 hours ago
I'm sorry that you don't have a good support system. But, as has been said, you have the freedom of not having anyone second guess you when you commit to a course of action to take care of Mom. You stated that you have begun action. Just don't get into a hurry. Breathe deeply, study your options (including visits to different facilities), make your decision and proceed. You are a good daughter, concerned about making the right move. I'm sure you will be successful. 🙏
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I think roaches and Fla go together and they are big.

I am so with Lea when it comes to Social Workers. I have only had one who really helped me. They don't think out of the box. Had one suggest a ramp out of Moms room. Told her couldn't be done because her room is half underground so the stairs go up out of her room. She insisted it could be done. Even drew her a picture.
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