I have adhd, anxiety, depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia and autism, and I've had an on off eating disorder for 20 years. I've turned to self harm and suicide and I'm currently in counseling.
I have a job that I absolutely love, that pays well, I'm good at, I have the chance to move up, and unlike jobs in the past, it doesn't take a toll on my mental health. Since then though, I hold things together at work. I try to appear normal to everyone on the job. But my mental health eventually comes to the surface when I am not working.
So here's the thing. I DO NOT want to care for my mom on top of it. My finances, job and mental health combined do not allow. But people around me have convinced me that I have to, and that I am much better off financially living with her and helping her out. But stressful situations lead to meltdowns or overload, and then I get called a horrible daughter for having breakdowns, or she says my breakdowns are her fault. In reality its not her fault, but my brain just isn't wired to take on that responsibility, AND move ahead in life doing something that will actually support me, AND stay mentally stable all at the same time. I have also been mocked by her during a breakdown. She has encourages me to hit myself harder. And she is often convinced that I am just having a breakdown on purpose to make her mad. If I try to explain how it affects me she says I only care about myself. And if I try to explain things to her she snaps at me and makes me feel guilty, or she'll say "you've already told me that! Enough already! I dont want to hear it!"
Others in my family say tell me to put myself in her shoes, and just try to control myself better, or they tell ne that I just shouldn't act a certain way. They say that I have got to help her, because nursing homes are horrible. I want to scream at them as say that I know my mom does not have it easy - but trying to move up in the world when you have mental health problems AND be there for a disabled parent on top of that is just as hard, AND I cant just snap out of a mental breakdown. In those moments I'm literally not in control. And I hold myself together during the day at work because I know I have too, but loose it at home.
But I feel like it will be my fault if I my mom gets worse, and needs round the clock care that , and ends up killing herself. Now fortunately, the responsibilities of caring for her are usually minimal, although she still wouldn't be able to live on her own if I wasnt here to help. But every now and then... like the past couple weeks, for instance, things are worse. Im getting little to no sleep, and that can trigger alot of issues for me. Like last night I was breaking out in odd noises, and going nack and forth uncontrollably between laughing smiling and screaming, and I was slapping myself yelling that there was something wrong with my brain, and having conversations with myself. I knew I was acting that way but couldn't shut it off.
The worst part is. I dont feel like I love my mom. I don't hate her, but for both past and future reasons I don't think I feel love towards her. I have family who say I do love her, but they don't know how I feel. I don't think love her, and I would rather she be in a nursing home and be on my own than her physical health having an additional impact on me. But I don't think I hate her either because I don't want her dead. I don't think I feel anything towards her, except bitterness that this is our life. And I feel anger towards my family for feeling bad for her, but not understanding how I feel. If she gets worse, and still refuses a nursing home, where she'll actually have 24-7 care from trained people, then I would love for someone to just understand me, and tell my mom she has to, because she clearly doesn't understand that while my brain wiring isn't her fault, the pressure of care giving is an added responsibility I can't keep up with.
Also my mom has in home help, too. But only 150 hours a month.
None of it is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you did something right in being honest and admitting to yourself and everyone involved that becoming her caregiver is not possible for you.
If you are slapping your own face and talking to yourself, then you are the one in need of a caregiver, friend.
Based on what you've said here you are in no fit state to care for yourself let alone anyone else especially an elderly, needy parent.
Thank you for your clear and thorough explanation.
The line that jumped off the page for me is where you say, “If mom gets worse and kills herself you will feel like it will be your fault,”
None of this is your fault. You are not responsible for your mom’s behavior. She is responsible for her behavior. As for your relatives, don’t buy into their nonsense.
Please continue to care for yourself. You seem to be on the right track. You also seem to know what is best to avoid.
So, thumbs up 👍 from me. Great job!
As you can see, you are receiving the validation that you deserve for knowing what is most suitable for your needs.
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
Helping people is good when both benefit. But if it hurts you, its Not a kindness anymore
You nailed it. Brilliant!
Oh so true, it’s only a ‘good deal’ if all parties are satisfied!
Since the OP isn’t satisfied, a deal shouldn’t be considered!
Being Mother's carer would be adding another job on top. It is YOUR choice. You can decide. You can decide No. One job may be enough!
She may not like to hear No.
To get her way she may try all sorts of things: indirectly, like having other family members put pressure on you (manipulation) or directly, like threating you or threating self-harm (tantrum behaviour).
I would explain ONCE to those other family members that you said No. Then ignore their views.
I would get professional advice from Lifeline or similar when she threatens, as her threats are of a serious matter.
Mother has other options: if she is no longer fully independent, then she must accept carers in her home or moves to where care is provided. These are HER real choices.
HaveFaith, do you have counsellor/therapist support for yourself? If you currently live with Mother, discussing what your own future accommodation options may be suitable for you may be helpful.
I have stated in several replies that keeping someone and caring for them at home boils down to 1 thing SAFETY.
If either one of you is not safe then something has to change. Safety is not just physical but mental/emotional safety.
You are not safe taking on the role of caregiver.
Your mom threatening suicide is like emotional bondage for you. This also undermines your emotional state.
Next time she says she is going to commit suicide call 911 and report that she is threatening self harm. Request that she be taken to the hospital for evaluation. Do not let them discharge her into your care. This might be a problem if you and she are living in the same house. If that is the case be prepared to move.
It is not fair for others in the family to expect you to do this and that is probably because they do not want this role. DO NOT BACK DOWN it is your health that is important
Provide no care to her at all, and go no contact if she keeps trying to manipulate you.
Your mother does not have to be admitted into a Nursing Home just because you can't be her caregiver. Are you living in her home?
So i told my mom- next time she threatened to kill herself i was going to call 911 because I was worried about her and thought hospitalization would help her, just like her sister. Kind of manipulative but guess who doesn't threaten to kill herself any more.
She has plenty of other stunts, but this one no longer
Funny how she accuses you of being selfish, but doesn't see AT ALL how selfish she is! She is thinking only of herself. So what if you quit your job and became a 24/7 caregiver? As long as she's happy, that's all that matters!
Since she said she doesn't want to hear it, no point in talking with her any more about it.
If other family members give you a hard time, tell them they are more than welcome to take her in and be her caregiver. Funny how none of them will step up.
Even if you did become her 24/7 caregiver, she would not be happy with anything you did. There's no winning with some people. Let her complain and make threats. She'll soon see that she can't get away with her actions anymore.
Don't go into gory details, just say "I cannot take care of you and me, so I am choosing to care for me."
You DON'T have to organize care for her, or a new living arrangement or ANYTHING. Just pack YOUR stuff and walk.
Make sure that somebody knows you're leaving and GO. Don't look back.
A mother who 'encourages you' to self harm is not someone you want in your life. And don't feel bad about not loving your mother--I don't think I really love mine either. I'm not mean to her, but I rarely see her and anything I offer to do for her is shot down, so there's that blessing.
Find a place to live nowhere near her. Keep up with your therapy and meds and the job you LOVE and let the rest of the family deal with mom.
I know this sounds harsh, but you owe her nothing. The most basic respect for giving you life, but other than that, no.
Sadly, there's a LOT of people in your position. Bless you with strength to walk away and not let family get to you. BE STRONG!! You can do this!!
If they're not willing, personally I'd discount their "advice."
Sounds to me like you're going to need some help, so if I were you I'd take it literally however I could get it. If that means Medicaid nursing home, so be it.
(waves to Lealonnie, whose advice is always spot on!)
My therapist also said that to me before. What other people think of you is none of your business. It’s brilliant!
My mother is 94 and I've been listening to her threaten to 'kill herself' for the past few DECADES. Everything from 'give me a gun to shoot myself' to 'I'm jumping out the window.' She lives on the first floor of the Memory Care Assisted Living home so that won't work, now will it? Take what your mother says with a grain of salt, that's my advice, b/c she's holding you emotionally hostage with these empty threats. If she has to go living in a Skilled Nursing Facility, SO BE IT. When my mother runs out of $$$ soon, she'll be moving into one herself b/c there is NO WAY she'd ever come live with me. She's done enough damage to me over the past 63 years without living here, aside from the first 17 years of my life which were MORE than enough, thank you.
Please make sure to take care of YOURSELF now, you deserve to. Your mother has in home help and can easily hire MORE people to assist her, if need be.
Good luck & Godspeed, my friend.
We all have our limitations. I would never have been able to do 24/7 care for anyone. I don't apologize for that. It is simply how I am made.
Again, I am so happy you have a counselor and I wish you the very best going forward, and hope for the best for your Mother as well.
Isn't she an adult? Hasn't she had a lifetime to plan for her old age?
What if you didn't exist?
Please move on from this thought that YOU need to care for her. Threats of "I'll commit suicide if you don't..." are manipulation, pure and simple.
Take care of YOU. YOU are worth it!