I really don't want to take care of my grandma just because nobody else wants to help. Grandma can still walk and is in her right mind, but she never moves from the chair unless she has to pee. She also has diabetes and a colostomy bagw. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot like I am a servant. Not to mention she's very ungrateful about everything. I'm a stay-at-home mom to a 6-year-old little boy and dad works 2nd shift. I always feel guilty because grandma owns 2 houses and the houses are next to each other. My little family lives in one of them, but grandma wants to always stay with us. I still don't want her to stay with us and I can't take care of her. I have a sister that likes to control all of grandma's financial stuff, but doesn't want to help take care of her. I have a brother that will come stay at her home a few days a week but sleeps all day and then will ask grandma for money and if she has money on her she will give it to him, then he leaves for a week. So no help there. Grandma has other family that doesn't help or ever come to see her unless they want something. I do everything for this woman, but I do not want to take care of her. I'm afraid I won't have anywhere to go. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I feel abused.
How about moving away to a rental that is not next door to granny?
You will have more choices in life if you pay your own way
I think you just need to be a little direct with her. If she has her mind & mobility still she should understand. I think try this first and then get some professional advice from someone external to both of you, someone you can sit down and talk to you both, I think this needs to be done, because there's no getting away from each other if you live next door to each other. Plus you grandma has financial power and can use this as leverage to have things her own way.
With the house it sounds like you also do not have the financial means to just move away, so if your grandma owns both houses and letting you stay in one of them without paying rent, then I believe this is a considerable help for you and the family financially, but if she's openly said you can stay there as long as you need without paying rent, it wouldn't be good for her to be controlling because of this. At the moment your grandma owning the two properties feels she has more power and control to demand things of you.
If your grandma didn't have her mind and mobility, it would be an entirely different matter. It sounds like a good compromise is needed by way of a third party or just directly, sound like it can't fester because it's affecting you and the stress can lead to other health issues.
Take care.
You cannot afford the luxury of being a “stay at home mom”. Your son is at school age. You have a span of time when he can be in school and you can work.
If that sounds brutal to you, then keep doing what you’re doing. It’s that simple.
NO FAMILY MEMBER in your situation will “help” you. Your situation provides them with an easy excuse for walking away.
Do I have compassion for you? YES I DO. But unlike some tragedies that come here, you ALREADY have a potential solution. Many women have already found it.
FIND OUT what you can do to bring in a salary AND ESCAPE. START LOOKING for training and job counseling and potential employment today.
TODAY.
You are in turmoil because you are beholding to her since you live in her house.
I would get a job, find another place to live.
She has children so I do not understand why the grandchildren are so involved. Tell her children that you are not equipped to care for their mother and that you need to work to help support your family.
Grandma can sell one house and can pay for caregivers with that money.
If you move out and away from your grandmother, you wouldn't have to be involved in her care anymore. But if you are living for free in her house, I would say that you do owe her something.
You could try becoming less available throughout the day to your Grandma. Go for walks, leave the house if you have means of transportation. Have a friend pick you up and get out. Walk to nearby parks or businesses. Getting out and away will be healthy for you both.
Set some boundaries with her. Let her know that you can help her with things she actually needs help with but that it is good for her to do things for herself because it keeps her strong and capable.
Once you change your dynamics and she gets used to you leaving for longer periods of time and you setting boundaries things will get better. It might be difficult at first because Grandma is used to abusing you but if you stick with it and really put your foot down things will change.
Grandma needs you. You are the only one caring for her. She knows this. She is taking advantage of you.
You can put your foot down in a kind and compassionate way with her and get results. Do not give in to any tantrums. Stand firm in your boundaries. Grandma will learn to accept what you need as well because she needs you and she knows it.
The first 20 yrs of my marriage my husband worked a 4 to 12 shift. I worked days. When DD was 4 I got a part-time job. 10 to 2 during the week, Sat all day. My DH would get up to watch DD. I would get home in time for him to shower and I would pack him lunch. When DD was school age I started working f/t. DH was able to get her ready for school and the bus dropped her off at my Moms.
So, if living at Grandmoms house rent free has given you the opportunity to be home with your child, great. But if you do not find a way to get out of this situation now, you are going to find yourself physically caring for her. You and DH need to talk this out and make a plan. Its really hard to be a stay at home Mom in this economy.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. Has your family considered facility care for your grandmother since no one is available to help her.
Don’t be concerned about what your siblings do or not do concerning her care. You don’t want to be her caregiver and neither do they.
Focus your time and energy on doing what you need to do. You have a young child. Children need parents who are working to be able to afford to pay for their needs in life.
Has grandma promised that you can inherit the house after she dies? There must be a reason why you are staying there and caring for her when you don’t want to.
I am not judging you. You shouldn’t be a caregiver for your grandmother. Your responsibility is to your child and yourself.
Best wishes to you and your family.