I am 62, my Father died in a tragic accident when I was 9 years old and my alcoholic mother now, at that time she was still young, but used to go out all the time partying and leave me with a younger child to care for. Now she is 85 and she is nasty, hurtful, criticizes everyone, complains, wishes bad things on everyone, calls grandchildren and spouses down to the dirt, etc. She always says she could have given us up. Now we do what we can for her, but she still complains. She always gets drunk, very abusive talking and puts down our deceased father I remember. She says that our father wasn’t good to her, he cheated on her, she tells us that he committed suicide and didn’t die in an accident. We don’t believe that's what happened, but when we ask why she says that, she says I want you to suffer as much as she did. When she was little girl, she says that her grandfather threw her and broke her leg and her real mother died before she was 7 who she didn’t know. When she gets drunk, she calls people and doesn’t remember who she talks to. She falls down and gets bruises, black eyes, cuts that should have stitches, broken bones, etc. When we ask what happened, she makes up stupid excuses. She won’t admit that she was drinking, even though she leaves voice messages for people when she is drunk and we find full and empty bottles. We get calls from people she has called saying there is something wrong with your mother and when we check on her she fell or hurt herself when she is drunk. We clean up the mess of blood, fix her up, take her to appointments, bring food to her but still is nasty. And when she is sober, she says we are out to get her. If we try to help her, clean her cuts up, she makes swipes at us and we are the worst ever. She won’t let anyone know her personal affairs, for anything including her health. Don’t know what we would do if she gets sick. She has threatened us that she will kill herself if we don’t stop nagging her. It’s been over a month since I have not spoken to her, after she made a swipe at me and calls us everything, when I was trying to clean her the next day after her drunken episode. I can’t take the abuse anymore but other family members say she could die anytime and they would feel guilty if they gave up on her. Every occasion when we get together it has been miserable for everyone. She has ruined baptisms, weddings, birthdays, etc., and does something or says something wrong. She told the hospital when she was hurt one time, that a family member did it to her. Every occasion it’s about her. I feel like I should feel guilty but there is a part of me that doesn’t feel guilty. She told a family member that I was upset with her and she is the mother and that I should call her. She won’t call me. I am too hurt to call. What should I do?
There are meetings all over. Go to a different town or location. They might even be on zoom now. You wouldn’t have to leave your house.
You can't help your mother. Something is going to happen where she will end up in the hospital and/or rehab. When that happens, you need to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. And you need to tell them there is no one willing to take on 24/7 care. That returning her to her home is unsafe. Maybe then she can be placed in Longterm care. If no one is POA then the state can take over her care.
I am the compassionate one in the family. But there comes a time you can't help someone change. Mom is 85 and SHE has done nothing about her problem. Yes, maybe she drinks because of a rotten childhood. She should have gotten help with this years ago. But SHE chose not to. She chose to be miserable for the rest of her life. People have overcome rotten childhoods and been able to move on. Its not yours or anyone elses fault she is where she is. We are responsible for our own lives and how we live them.
So take your break but know that you can't change her but you can change the way you are with her. Look up "gray rock" maybe something you can use.
Your story is a different one.
You are free to heal however best suits you. If that is space for yourself & time apart - then that's OK. You could call that self-protective behaviour. Or putting your own O2 on first.
I agree with the other posters. Seek support for yourself. Stand clear of impending disaster. Alert professional helpers (APS, EMS etc) when she needs it instead.
Have you been to AlAnon?
AlAnon will teach you healthy ways to support your mom if she decides to get sober and will also give you the strength and tools needed to stay strong in the face of her continued addiction.
Please don't feel guilty for wanting to save yourself.
Either get off and escape, or crash and burn with her.
If your family members ‘would feel guilty if they gave up on her’, that’s down to them. You don’t have to feel the same. You can decide what you are willing to do for her, tell her and the rest of the family. That is NOT giving up on her!
And until your mom gets some help for her addiction, I would stay as far away as possible from her. Her toxicity is not something you need or want in your life. Your mental health deserves better. Sometimes we have to let our LO's hit rock bottom, before they will reach out for help, so if that what it takes, then so be it. All you are doing by continuing to clean up her messes, is enabling her, and that will never make her change. So please stop, and stay away from her, because you deserve so much better. God bless you.
My first thought is: "goodness, you've taken your time haven't you?"
Fifty years. Fifty years of this b.s. And only now have you reached the point of thinking enough?
What's changed? You've been picking her up and mopping her off and trying to absorb everything she's thrown at you (and others) for decades, quite literally. You and she live in a comparatively closed community, where I imagine everyone knows everyone and secrets are hard to keep, and as a successful professional you must have a highish profile.
Who are the other family members? I see you have at least one sibling, but how many of you are there involved in your mother's life?
It is never too late to change how you cope, never. But it's much more likely to be successful if you do some clear, hard thinking about what you can change for good and what exactly needs changing.
Don't call your mother. You need thinking time, and you need to talk to others about what your mother really needs (therefore must have provided for her, though not necessarily by you in person) and what she doesn't really need (and therefore no one should have to put up with).
Why was this last episode a month ago the last straw? What felt different about it?
Thank God my husband has been my rock. He can’t understand why she has to be so mean, when his mother is so loving. My husband don’t want me to have nothing to do with her, but family members say she’s 85 and you can’t change her so they put up with her and they would feel guilty. I guess they are stronger than me right now.
Certainly in a perfect world you could love your mother and not feel anything, have no pain, but we don't live in a world like that. Please understand - you have been abused. Perhaps you could stop talking one to one with her and instead send cards, small gifts (appropriate for her age) and show her unconditional love. Remember silly holidays and show her your love in a totally different form.
She cannot change at 85 and probably doesn't understand all the pain she causes. Your Mom is in emotional pain but you certainly do not need to be in the middle of her toxicity. I have lived in abusive situations and Psalm 107:9 was life changing for me.
You are loved - your husband is right there and you have his side of the family. Cherish happiness and you might find counselling through churches (once they open) that is beneficial and free. I've counseled many many women and I have never found one that wished she hadn't come. Counselling is mostly about hearing, understanding, empathy, compassion and building your self esteem. May you blessed in finding restoration.