I feel guilty that I basically called my mother a b**ch in front of my in-laws yesterday.
If anyone read the debacle my mom created for my Thanksgiving yesterday you know how angry and resentful I was.
I was able to get my kids to watch mom for about an hour and went to my SILs. When asked how things were going I immediately started venting and pretty much called her the b word.
I was feeling awful about it, because despite everything, my mother values her dignity and does not deserve to be bad mouthed to others (even though that wasn’t my intention).
Then I spent the 2nd night at her house and she immediately started complaining about everything again! All I could think of was the post in the “is it wrong to wish someone would die?” discussion where someone shared that the vet said to put the dog down before you come to hate him.
Despite being a dysfunctional family I always loved my mother, she did the best she could with us kids, and was good to her grandchildren. Yes, she was needy and had unrealistic expectations, but I believe she had a good heart. I feel like this whole aging care thing is going to end with me growing to hate her.
Many have said here that our guilt is really grief in disguise, because we feel helpless that we can’t stop out LO’s illness, sadness & ultimate death. But I think I’m feeling actual guilt because I literally can’t stand to be around her at this point.
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If you notice your body when the misdirected anger surfaces, you'll notice that it feels very physical in terms of racing pulse, and how the energy wells up inside of the stomach, moving up your chest, until it has nowhere else to go but "out". That's when I continued my therapy from years ago, and I began to understand how "trauma drama" works. My point is, you need to get some support - it's a theme in most of my postings.
And it's true that guilt and grief issue directives to one another, something you must learn to listen for.
If you cannot stand to be around her, you need to find a way to take a breather. This may be a little tedious, but from my own experience, the core of my whole existence right now is based on the "breathers" I take. And I take alot.
When she complains, that's code for "I'm not in control and that's not how I would do it." Offer choices if you have the patience to do so. Choices go a long way at my house which can help keep the anxiety and the guilt down.
The guilt the you're suffering is likely due to the fact that you're operating at the bare emotional minimum.
You definitely need to sideline yourself for a bit if you can.
Years ago the facilitator at the support group that I no co-chair gave us all an article. (I am going to get the numbers wrong but the gist is still true)
This paper said that 70% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. I said "well ya know what that means...30% of the caregivers lied."
You can not be a caregiver and never get angry at the person you're caring for.
We are human, we get angry.
What we do with that anger is what makes us human.
You walk away
You vent...and that is what you did, in what you thought was a safe place.
You may be Burnt Out.
You may need a break
You might look into a Respite Stay for mom.
You might look into hiring a caregiver. Think of the caregiver as someone that will help YOU not mom if she is resistant.
If mom is able to attend an Adult Day Program that would give both of you a break form each other.
DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL GUILT. it is unproductive.
Also, I'd rather be described as a b**ch than as "cute" (something my cousin often calls my mother--so patronizing).
Having now read about 30 memoirs by daughters describing their experiences of caring for their mothers, I can assure you that, in comparison, you and I are models of discretion.
And in universe time we'll all be dead soon anyway and none of this will matter. Even those hard-bound memoirs will eventually fade away.
Deep breath and refocus on the present.
Til her friend clued me, I was puzzled why she found so many people attractive. Lol!
”You should be ashamed of yourself” was said often when I was a child. I think my whole life was shaped by this statement. I should be ashamed that I have paid caregivers taking care of mom (because she is my mother!). I should be ashamed that mom was sad or lonely because I wasn’t there every minute, and I should be ashamed that I didn’t want to spend 48 hours of Thanksgiving not only caring for her, but preparing the house and food so others should feel obligated come and be with her.
Shame, shame, shame!
I’ve been through so much therapy over the years, and learned so many valuable tools. But the shame is like a permanent scar that never goes away.
This means, for example, I have a hard and firm discussion with her about complaining, and how it hurts me when she complains about her beautiful facility, because of all the money I'm putting into her care.
At the same time I told her I admired her courage going through all the medical stuff she's going through and not having any control and power... and I respected her for everything she did for us as children keeping our family together with a very absent and abusive husband.
I Let her know that I respected her well at the same time I was overwhelmed with her care and I needed to take a step back and to please not take it personally.
Of course she would go back to complaining lol ....but she did get a bit better and the point was this was for me and not for her. This was what I wish I could have said to her when I was 13.
I felt free after that ... And she actually responded relatively well, and we had a mature discussion between 2 adults...and immediately a few hours later I felt shame for "hurting her feelings". When in fact I was pretty much trying to save my life and hers because I was close to walking out forever.
The growth though, was that I felt the uncomfortable feelings; talked about them with a trusted friend who'd been cheering me on; and didn't try to retract it and beg her forgiveness.
As time has gone on, detaching with love... Hearing her complain but not feeling like I immediately need to fix it... Has become a bit more comfortable. It also means I approach things with less resentment. Sometimes, lol!
I have to sit through the shame moments of being human and not try to fix them, engage in self talk to calm the amygdala fear response, and move on. If I try to quick -fix the shame of being human by apologizing for a very human response, I'll go right back up repeating the behavior.
You've nothing to apologize for. You're doing great
Just because she's dying (or not actually dying since it's been months now) doesn't mean you aren't allowed to call it like it is. Technically we are all dying but some know their expiration date.
Did you tell mom she is not in control of giving care givers the day off and that she is going to respite care for Christmas?
You now tell us:
"I wish I could take this post down now because I didn’t actually “call” her that word, and nothing was said at the dinner table. I was telling a story and trying to make it humorous, and accidentally dropped that word in, immediately regretting it. But clearly the slip was a result of the utter frustration I was feeling."
I have asked myself today if I don't need another "month off" from AC, because of my general frustration with our posts, and with to our posts.
You may have decided the issue from me.
Forgive me, Lily. I just don't understand why you, a regular member of our Forum, would write us something that happened on the Holiday that actually DID NOT HAPPEN.
I don't understand. I am glad some seem to, but I just don't. Indicative, I think, of my--yes--needing a vacation from AC. It happens.
My mother lived to 95. Separately from me, and I did no hands on care for her at all, but managed her life (and dads) as their only child and POA. I've been able to love myself in spite of the messages of I've been swamped with for life.
Don't buy into the bs being FORCED on you. Disassociate from the insanity.
I am so glad that you intuitively knew your self worth. You should not have been subjected to such misery.