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I hear you loud and clear, I feel your pain. I’ve been EXACTLY where you are now. You will not get motivated to go. Just Go and do whatever you usually do when you get there. The first chance you get, take a break. If the chance doesn’t just come, STOP whatever . . . and make it happen.
Go sit in a room by yourself, close the door and do nothing for 5, 10, or 15 minutes. NOTHING! Or . . .
Go sit on the porch, the deck, the balcony, in the backyard, anywhere away from the caregiving environment. Do NOTHING for 5, 10, or 15 minutes.
Back to caregiving . . . if you MUST. Then, repeat the above every time you start feeling stressed.
It won’t cure you, but it definitely HELPS. Try to Not feel guilty, you’re doing the best you can.
I’m keeping you in my prayers. Give it to GOD, HE will give you what you need.
Exactly the way I feel right now. I cry because I have to come. I cry because I feel bad about crying. I cry because I don’t see an end to the situation. I cry because I am even thinking about an end to the situation. I have not tried taking a walk because if I leave her alone she “gets into trouble”. I don’t think I could relax on a wall because I wonder what I will find when I get back.
Ltlmrmd Get a couple of wifi cameras in which you can monitor your Mom from your smartphone. Many are inexpensive and simple to set up and will bring you some peace of mind.
TRyan putting yourself in their place and be Thankful that you are the healthy one.
Try remembering all the care you were given growing up.
TRyan to think of some Fun things ya'll can do together Iike playing cards, Domino's, board games or Coloring, painting, Puzzles. Listening to some nice Music, order lunch in as a treat.
It would also be a good time to start a diary and to start asking questions and writing the answers down.
If they're able, take them out for a drive or just go outside to get a little fresh air and sun shine.
Go through old pictures and reminise.
Do what you can because they won't always be around and you won't be sorry for things unsaid or not done when you had the chance.
The day before It's your turn to watch your parents, try Sleeping in that morning and do something for yourself that day, go out to lunch with a friend, get a manicure, just do something for yourself then that night take a nice long relaxing bath and get a good night's sleep so you'll be full of energy and show up with a smile on your face for your parents.
Wish all those great pampering ideas were really options, because in these days of covid, I’m afraid to meet with friends, go to spas, etc. in case I catch the delta variant and infect my mom 🥺.
It's such a hard job, being a caretaker for our parents. You don't say how limited your parents are but there are things you may be able to do to make it less of a burden. Find things that will keep them occupied, seniors love to hear music of their era. I have yet to see a senior not light up and sing along to tunes they still remember. Many love watching old movies, even when they can no longer follow the plot. Engage them in any craft, puzzles, reading material they may be interested in. Seniors love scratch off lottery tickets, buy dollar ones! Sitting outside in the fresh air and sunshine will make a welcome break in a long day. If you can get them engaged in doing these little things, while you call a friend or get to go online for awhile - you will find these seemingly endless days are a bit easier to bear. If your parents are not capable of doing any of these things, it's time to start looking into paying for some part-time care, even a two hour break can help to renew your spirit. As your parents age, they will require increased care, so getting them used to someone else caring for them also is crucial. I wish you all the best - try to stay positive. We know what you're going through and are here whenever you need to vent!
I am concerned that you already feel drained - BEFORE "your turn." This seems to indicate that days of watching your parents may not be the best option for yourself and all the other caregivers. Here are a few ideas:
1 - Make sure your parents follow a schedule that everybody adheres to. Consistency is most helpful for anybody who needs to be cared for.
2 - If your parents are "acting out", then they are probably suffering from anxiety. The consistent routine is helpful for relieving some anxiety. However, if one or both are being verbally abusive or physically "acting out", they need a psychological intervention. This could be as simple as visits to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and medication. If there is any threats of violence to others or threat of self-harm, then call the authorities. In this case, your parent should have an involuntary psychiatric inpatient admission for evaluation and treatment.
3 - If you feel drained because you do not get your needs met: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, time to meet your own health and hygiene needs... THEN, your parents have reached a point where person watching them for 24+ hours at a time isn't reasonable. If this is the situation, talk to the rest of the family about a new plan: a - shifting from days to shifts of no more than 12 hours at a time. b - hiring sitters, home health aides... to cover some of the difficult shifts (like nights or week days). c - placement into assisted living or another residential care facility where there is staff 24/7/365.
4 - Sometimes, "the drained feeling" comes from how you view your parent's situation. Sometime the difficulty is their behavior or tense situations while caring for them. If this is the case, I recommend seeing a counsellor that is well acquainted with whatever health problems your parents have as well as "boundary setting". I like the books by Townsend and Cloud that deal with "boundaries". They walk you step by step through how to create boundaries and deal with problem behavior.
Yep. I work 6 days a week, travel 6 hours round trip Sunday to help my mom, get bills etc. That and her finances feels like another fulltime job once I get home. (She has *adequate* 24/7 care. My sister lives nearby. We have a great division of duties.) Only way I keep going is to keep going. Audio book or podcast on the drive. It's how I spent my Sundays. (But the price of gas is killing me.) Don't get much support from anyone in my life.
I used to walk up to my mom's apartment thinking. "I hate this. I hate that she keeps getting worse. I hate that I never know what I will find. I hate that I can't make her better." It didn't change the situation, but it helped me brace myself for dealing with the situation. I love my mom, and did everything I could for her, but it was important to recognize how hard it was for me to be her caregiver. Just putting my feelings into words and identifying what was stressing me out was helpful. Then I could identify what made me strong. I have good health. I had people helping me. I am competent to deal with problems.
Try thinking how nice it is that you are giving a break to the caretaker you are replacing. If parent watching is truly burdensome for all of you, maybe you can pool resourcrs for hired home care.
Caregivers also need breaks. Have you had a break or vacation recently? Is it possible to hire aides to take your place? Get connected with a local social worker or adviser who can advise you and your siblings what your parents options are. Seek counseling for your feelings of "being drained."
This applies to anyone who has responsibilities for taking care of others - regardless of who they are (relationship) and why. People can do just so much given what their own personal lives consist of and their personalities and abilities. Not everyone is able to care for others and when those others have behaviors and needs that are seriously impacting those who care for them - then S T O P. Either find help to step in so as to relieve YOU or face the fact it might be time to place them. Do not let these people destroy YOUR lives because of what you feel are obligations. You have a right to live your life and they have lived their lives. It may sound cruel but it is realistic - you have to learn to listen to the warning signs that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and take appropriate action before you are destroyed.
First thing right off the bat...STOP FEELING GUILTY!!! There is not much info in your profile so I am taking a stab in the dark on this and I may be off base. I am assuming you have siblings that all take turns caring for mom and dad probably still "living" in their home. You all are "propping them up" they are not living, they are surviving. And only because you all are carrying the load! I am guessing you are not the only one that is tired and needs motivation to go when it is their turn. I think a family meeting is in order and decisions need to be made about how best care for mom and dad. Is Assisted Living an option or is Memory Care what one or both need? Depending on their ages and conditions does the family want to do this for the next 5. 10, 15 years? there are resources that can help. Is either one of the or both Veterans? If so the VA might be of help depending on where and when the service was it could be a little help or a LOT. Is hiring caregivers that will come in and help an option? Do they need 24/7 care? Are they safe alone at night? Or does the sibling who's turn it is stay with them until the next "shift" shows up? If so that is completely unfair to everyone's families.
sorry if this is not the motivation you wanted but hopefully it is motivation that you need.
I manage a small home healthcare agency in South Florida and I have people call me all the time in exactly the same situation or mind space. Watching people you love become weak, vulnerable, and incapable is the hardest thing in the world. And, they never told us our parents would eventually get revenge for everything we (the children) did to them! (haha)
I would suggest that the context you have about your parents and your responsibilities needs shifting. After all, context is decisive (if you think you can you will, if you think you can't you won't).
Please take some time to reflect on the Context you have for "My parent's caregiver". I would guess it's something like, "I don't want to", "I shouldn't have to", "I can't do it" or something along those lines. Or, it may be something like "it's not fair", "why me?", or "what the ___?". Consider your emotions too. Are you sad, angry, scared, incapable, or something else?
It may take some work and some time to get really honest (authentic) with yourself, but once you can see the context that is stopping you, you can begin to create an entirely new context for "My parent's caregiver".
I don't know what it might be for you, but standing in your love, commitment, respect, gratitude, responsibility, or whatever that looks like for you, I would invite you to create a new context that motives, empowers, and maybe even excite you as your parent's Caregiver.
That was beautifully said! I also am, "My Mom's Caregiver", and it isn't at all an easy job. I have 2 siblings left, and I get very angry and resentful towards them for their lack of involvement! And,even though I know better, I get edgy with my mother because I feel it isn't fair. Damn it!! She is my most important important person and the only mom I have, so I really really try to be so so patient. Thank you.
Hang in there. First, be thankful you're not living with them and that you take turns with others caring for them. My husband had a massive stroke in 2012 following what was to be routine day surgery. I have been his full-time primary caregiver ever since. I literally had to put my life on hold because there have been no family members close by to help. At first I was able to enjoy some respite through state funding but since Covid, all that changed. Second, I agree with others. Make time for yourself no matter what! My faith in God and our amazing church family is all that's held me together. One day I was married to an amazing handsome healthy cowboy then the next my married life was over and I was caring for an adult child. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. 🙏
For something like this all you can do is just put one foot in front of another and take care of business. Try and find humor throughout the day to lessen the stress and lighten the mood.
You don't say how many of you take turns caring for your parents. Maybe its time to look at other options. Hiring home care-givers on mom and dad's dime to assist.
Or maybe it's time to look at caregiving facilities to move them into letting trained staff do the day to day care of your parents, while you and sibs make sure their needs are met and visit as loving children.
Don't forget to take care of yourself - when its not your day/s take some time to pamper yourself. I like to go out to breakfast with a good book and be waited on.
Kaye55: Imho, not many individuals look forward to caregiving as it is difficult. Just know that have successfully accomplished it when you do. Try to have a sense of pride.
You're right that Kaye55 should stop going to take care of her parents if it's endangering her mental and physical health. However, it would be wrong for her to just stop going unless she's made an arrangement for her caregiving days to be covered. That's not fair to put her share of the burden on the shoulders of the other siblings when they're already carrying their own.
I agree with Llamalover47’s comments do not go, if it is going to affect mental and physical well being. Just keep in mind life short and unexpected things happen. Just do the best you can.
I have to work to up my visits with mom. I set up a small reward for myself after I am finished! I play very southing music softly while there. It actually calms down too! ( Pandora, jazz instrumentals radio station) I was never a jazz person before.
First of all I feel your pain because hardly a day has passed since my mom had a knee replacement aged 80 years to date that I have not seen her and seen to her needs every day. She is now 97 and chair bound. At long last, and only last year when she finally went off her legs Carers come in 3 times a day and I’ve upped it to 4 … but if I don’t go see her she’d be so upset. We live on the same street. But getting motivated is very difficult as I’m now 64 and finding everything I do even for myself is becoming a struggle. I still plan her meals, shop, sort prescriptions, and do her washing. life’s a constant juggle. But what I must weigh up is what’s worse ? Going to sit with mom for a couple of hours every day or feeling the guilt if I don’t go? It’s torture. Mom is very lucky. She has friends who call her, she has her faculties, she just can’t move and at times she’s really hard work. I find talking about memories really does help … and there is no shortage of good memories. Tonight I talked about the time we flew to Jersey which brought a smile to her face. I was 17 when my Mom and dad flew there to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and it was the first time any of us had flown. Talking about memories elevates the mundane ‘what is there to talk about’ feeling even if it lasts a few minutes. Flicking through a photo album can be heartwarming. My brother is an hours drive away and calls every night but it’s a struggle listening to them trying to hold a decent conversation. Old age really is heartbreaking. There is no easy solution. I have ups and downs and beat myself up, then feel good that I’m there for mum but bad about not being able to live my life with total freedom. Always tied. But one day maybe I’ll look back on these days as ‘past’ but when that will be the have go no idea. Until then I keep on going. Kaye55 I sincerely hope you find some motivation!
Good on you! What a great idea to revisit the past when positive conversation runs out. Great idea in general for these pandemic days. Keep taking care of yourself and Mom.
As always my favorite call on Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Second, don’t forget mom and dad probably had those same feelings sometimes but they didn’t give up and kept on keeping on and u must do the same. On your days off exercise eat right get that me time. Whatever it is u love doing. Ask God to give you the strength. J know it gets hard sometimes. Just give hugs. You will be fine. God Bless!
I know how you feel. It can feel like a job rather than something you love because you end up cleaning up messes and trying to be patient in helping the elderly person eat and dress. I do admit that the slowness of doing those activities tested my patience many a time. Can you bring something to read if you have to come over since you seem to be dreading it? I just thought a pocket radio and a book might help make the boredom of this job easier.
Simple - its YOUR turn. You don't say who you share turns with or how often you take on the "duty", but if you cannot manage your turn then you need to discuss with others the best way forward. Most here manage on their own and would give their eye teeth for a bit of sharing from siblings etc. I doubt you will get overly much sympathy for having to take your turn if you are sharing care - however we are not all cut out to be carers so speak to the others, maybe you can pay to have your days covered, or maybe some different arrangements like assisted living need to be discussed.
We don't know what the OP and those who share caregiving with her have to do. There is a big difference between a physically strong, relatively fit well-built person caring for a "well" elder or a small "manageable" elder and a small slight person trying to deal with two demanding "problem" elders who are each too heavy for her to lift or manage alone. It is amazing how much strength seemingly frail elders can have.
If the OP is having problems the other caregivers may be having problems too unless they are not coping alone (couples instead of the OP who is doing her share alone). They need to get together and discuss the needs of those being cared for to ensure the best is done for them. If they are too much for one person to handle all the time perhaps somebody could be hired for a few hours to help those doing caregiving on their own.
BTW I am an only child so I know all about handling things alone.
When caring for my parents, my motivation was I wanted them to have good care and was enough of a control freak to feel I needed to make sure they had it. I could allow others to provide that care, but I needed to make sure someone was caring for them. I didn't think much about the individual visits taking the same "it's necessary" thinking as I did caring for the family's children; you don't like many of the things you need to do for the kids either, but they need doing and the kids can not take care of themselves so you just do it.
That seven-hour drive would get to me, even with books on tape. Is there some way you could break the drive down to two 3-5 hour segments? I used to have a long drive across the state for a monthly meeting which I found to be a chore. Then I found a relatively cheap but very clean motel just off the interstate in a small town about 75% of the way to the big city. Instead of driving one day and taking a hotel in the city, I started driving to the small town and taking a room, enjoying a nice dinner out and sometimes some shopping, driving into the city the next morning and spending the day, and then driving back to the small town motel that night and driving home the next morning. I found this _much_ easier and even enjoyable. I had some cousins living within 30 miles of the motel and they would come up to have dinner with me. The trip became some "me time" instead of just a boring and time-consuming journey I had to take.
Can you handle many of your Mom's financial matters online? Could you have her bills sent to you? Or could your sibling collect them and mail them to you once a week? Could you hire a caregiver to look after Mom on Sunday so you could only make that trip every other week or maybe once a month? Is it time to look at an AL apartment for Mom to reduce the caregiving load on the whole family?
Good luck finding a balance that works for you and your family. It's not easy but I can tell you after caring for both my parents I am at peace now they are gone. I know they had good care, not always what they or I wanted, but good care all their days.
“It's not easy but I can tell you after caring for both my parents I am at peace now they are gone. I know they had good care, not always what they or I wanted, but good care all their days.”
That drained feeling may also have to do with how we live our lives right now in the midst of a pandemic. I work full time and have an aide who watches mom 5 hours a day 5 days a week and I come home exhausted (from teaching elementary). Naps and Jesus helps.
Call those with whom you have agreed to share caregiving for your parents and tell them that this is no longer working for you. Tell them that after these "more days" that you will not be able to schedule another round of "more days". You do not need to explain yourself as to why you won't schedule "more days" but that you will help plan for getting your parents the help they need. Your situation is not sustainable. Your parents' needs are only going to increase.
You have posted several threads since Aug 29th, 2 more after this thread. Questions have been asked but you have not responded to them.
Could you please post a thread answering the questions asked. It helps us understand your situation better instead of assuming.
Please, fill out your profile with as much information you are comfortable with. Age of parents is important. The needs of a 60/70 year old is quite different from a 80/90 yr old.
As a solo caregiver of 5 1/2 years for my 90yo mom, this is either something you want to do or do not want to do.
If you cannot find love and purpose in the tasks, search for, hire, pay, and monitor someone to take your place. Or, speak to your siblings to say you are at the end and perhaps they are at the point that they would rather spend their money instead of their time Together, you may all decide to find and fund a care facility
But, in the end, caregiving for someone else is an extension of caring for yourself. You have to know and care for yourself (physically and emotionally). Your diet, exercise, hobbies, and how you live all the days you are not with your parents play a role in how you approach the days when you are the caregiver. Get a therapist, beef up your nutrition and vitamins, exercise more, listen to music, build a network of friends, read, meditate, and find the things you love. Then, do those things when with your parents just as you do when you are not with them. And, anything you don't want to do for them when you are there, pay for out of pocket the days it is your responsibility: order in for healthy food, hire a gardener or housekeeper, bring in a sitter to give you a chance to leave during the day, etc.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
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Go sit in a room by yourself, close the door and do nothing for 5, 10, or 15 minutes. NOTHING! Or . . .
Go sit on the porch, the deck, the balcony, in the backyard, anywhere away from the caregiving environment. Do NOTHING for 5, 10, or 15 minutes.
Back to caregiving . . . if you MUST. Then, repeat the above every time you start feeling stressed.
It won’t cure you, but it definitely HELPS. Try to Not feel guilty, you’re doing the best you can.
I’m keeping you in my prayers. Give it to GOD, HE will give you what you need.
Try remembering all the care you were given growing up.
TRyan to think of some Fun things ya'll can do together Iike playing cards, Domino's, board games or Coloring, painting, Puzzles.
Listening to some nice Music, order lunch in as a treat.
It would also be a good time to start a diary and to start asking questions and writing the answers down.
If they're able, take them out for a drive or just go outside to get a little fresh air and sun shine.
Go through old pictures and reminise.
Do what you can because they won't always be around and you won't be sorry for things unsaid or not done when you had the chance.
The day before
It's your turn to watch your parents, try Sleeping in that morning and do something for yourself that day, go out to lunch with a friend, get a manicure, just do something for yourself then that night take a nice long relaxing bath and get a good night's sleep so you'll be full of energy and show up with a smile on your face for your parents.
Prayers
If you can get them engaged in doing these little things, while you call a friend or get to go online for awhile - you will find these seemingly endless days are a bit easier to bear. If your parents are not capable of doing any of these things, it's time to start looking into paying for some part-time care, even a two hour break can help to renew your spirit. As your parents age, they will require increased care, so getting them used to someone else caring for them also is crucial.
I wish you all the best - try to stay positive. We know what you're going through and are here whenever you need to vent!
1 - Make sure your parents follow a schedule that everybody adheres to. Consistency is most helpful for anybody who needs to be cared for.
2 - If your parents are "acting out", then they are probably suffering from anxiety. The consistent routine is helpful for relieving some anxiety. However, if one or both are being verbally abusive or physically "acting out", they need a psychological intervention. This could be as simple as visits to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and medication. If there is any threats of violence to others or threat of self-harm, then call the authorities. In this case, your parent should have an involuntary psychiatric inpatient admission for evaluation and treatment.
3 - If you feel drained because you do not get your needs met:
7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep,
3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace,
time to meet your own health and hygiene needs...
THEN, your parents have reached a point where person watching them for 24+ hours at a time isn't reasonable. If this is the situation, talk to the rest of the family about a new plan:
a - shifting from days to shifts of no more than 12 hours at a time.
b - hiring sitters, home health aides... to cover some of the difficult shifts (like nights or week days).
c - placement into assisted living or another residential care facility where there is staff 24/7/365.
4 - Sometimes, "the drained feeling" comes from how you view your parent's situation. Sometime the difficulty is their behavior or tense situations while caring for them. If this is the case, I recommend seeing a counsellor that is well acquainted with whatever health problems your parents have as well as "boundary setting". I like the books by Townsend and Cloud that deal with "boundaries". They walk you step by step through how to create boundaries and deal with problem behavior.
It didn't change the situation, but it helped me brace myself for dealing with the situation. I love my mom, and did everything I could for her, but it was important to recognize how hard it was for me to be her caregiver. Just putting my feelings into words and identifying what was stressing me out was helpful. Then I could identify what made me strong. I have good health. I had people helping me. I am competent to deal with problems.
There is not much info in your profile so I am taking a stab in the dark on this and I may be off base.
I am assuming you have siblings that all take turns caring for mom and dad probably still "living" in their home.
You all are "propping them up" they are not living, they are surviving. And only because you all are carrying the load!
I am guessing you are not the only one that is tired and needs motivation to go when it is their turn.
I think a family meeting is in order and decisions need to be made about how best care for mom and dad.
Is Assisted Living an option or is Memory Care what one or both need?
Depending on their ages and conditions does the family want to do this for the next 5. 10, 15 years?
there are resources that can help.
Is either one of the or both Veterans? If so the VA might be of help depending on where and when the service was it could be a little help or a LOT.
Is hiring caregivers that will come in and help an option?
Do they need 24/7 care? Are they safe alone at night? Or does the sibling who's turn it is stay with them until the next "shift" shows up? If so that is completely unfair to everyone's families.
sorry if this is not the motivation you wanted but hopefully it is motivation that you need.
I would suggest that the context you have about your parents and your responsibilities needs shifting. After all, context is decisive (if you think you can you will, if you think you can't you won't).
Please take some time to reflect on the Context you have for "My parent's caregiver". I would guess it's something like, "I don't want to", "I shouldn't have to", "I can't do it" or something along those lines. Or, it may be something like "it's not fair", "why me?", or "what the ___?". Consider your emotions too. Are you sad, angry, scared, incapable, or something else?
It may take some work and some time to get really honest (authentic) with yourself, but once you can see the context that is stopping you, you can begin to create an entirely new context for "My parent's caregiver".
I don't know what it might be for you, but standing in your love, commitment, respect, gratitude, responsibility, or whatever that looks like for you, I would invite you to create a new context that motives, empowers, and maybe even excite you as your parent's Caregiver.
Caregiver", and it isn't at all an easy job. I have 2 siblings left, and I get very angry and resentful towards them for their lack of involvement! And,even though I know better, I get edgy with my mother because I feel it isn't fair. Damn it!! She is my most important important person and the only mom I have, so I really really try to be so so patient. Thank you.
My husband had a massive stroke in 2012 following what was to be routine day surgery. I have been his full-time primary caregiver ever since. I literally had to put my life on hold because there have been no family members close by to help. At first I was able to enjoy some respite through state funding but since Covid, all that changed.
Second, I agree with others. Make time for yourself no matter what!
My faith in God and our amazing church family is all that's held me together.
One day I was married to an amazing handsome healthy cowboy then the next my married life was over and I was caring for an adult child.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. 🙏
You don't say how many of you take turns caring for your parents. Maybe its time to look at other options. Hiring home care-givers on mom and dad's dime to assist.
Or maybe it's time to look at caregiving facilities to move them into letting trained staff do the day to day care of your parents, while you and sibs make sure their needs are met and visit as loving children.
Don't forget to take care of yourself - when its not your day/s take some time to pamper yourself. I like to go out to breakfast with a good book and be waited on.
You're right that Kaye55 should stop going to take care of her parents if it's endangering her mental and physical health.
However, it would be wrong for her to just stop going unless she's made an arrangement for her caregiving days to be covered.
That's not fair to put her share of the burden on the shoulders of the other siblings when they're already carrying their own.
I still plan her meals, shop, sort prescriptions, and do her washing.
life’s a constant juggle. But what I must weigh up is what’s worse ? Going to sit with mom for a couple of hours every day or feeling the guilt if I don’t go? It’s torture. Mom is very lucky. She has friends who call her, she has her faculties, she just can’t move and at times she’s really hard work.
I find talking about memories really does help … and there is no shortage of good memories. Tonight I talked about the time we flew to Jersey which brought a smile to her face. I was 17 when my Mom and dad flew there to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and it was the first time any of us had flown. Talking about memories elevates the mundane ‘what is there to talk about’ feeling even if it lasts a few minutes. Flicking through a photo album can be heartwarming.
My brother is an hours drive away and calls every night but it’s a struggle listening to them trying to hold a decent conversation. Old age really is heartbreaking. There is no easy solution. I have ups and downs and beat myself up, then feel good that I’m there for mum but bad about not being able to live my life with total freedom. Always tied. But one day maybe I’ll look back on these days as ‘past’ but when that will be the have go no idea. Until then I keep on going.
Kaye55 I sincerely hope you find some motivation!
Keep taking care of yourself and Mom.
If the OP is having problems the other caregivers may be having problems too unless they are not coping alone (couples instead of the OP who is doing her share alone). They need to get together and discuss the needs of those being cared for to ensure the best is done for them. If they are too much for one person to handle all the time perhaps somebody could be hired for a few hours to help those doing caregiving on their own.
BTW I am an only child so I know all about handling things alone.
That seven-hour drive would get to me, even with books on tape. Is there some way you could break the drive down to two 3-5 hour segments? I used to have a long drive across the state for a monthly meeting which I found to be a chore. Then I found a relatively cheap but very clean motel just off the interstate in a small town about 75% of the way to the big city. Instead of driving one day and taking a hotel in the city, I started driving to the small town and taking a room, enjoying a nice dinner out and sometimes some shopping, driving into the city the next morning and spending the day, and then driving back to the small town motel that night and driving home the next morning. I found this _much_ easier and even enjoyable. I had some cousins living within 30 miles of the motel and they would come up to have dinner with me. The trip became some "me time" instead of just a boring and time-consuming journey I had to take.
Can you handle many of your Mom's financial matters online? Could you have her bills sent to you? Or could your sibling collect them and mail them to you once a week? Could you hire a caregiver to look after Mom on Sunday so you could only make that trip every other week or maybe once a month? Is it time to look at an AL apartment for Mom to reduce the caregiving load on the whole family?
Good luck finding a balance that works for you and your family. It's not easy but I can tell you after caring for both my parents I am at peace now they are gone. I know they had good care, not always what they or I wanted, but good care all their days.
“It's not easy but I can tell you after caring for both my parents I am at peace now they are gone. I know they had good care, not always what they or I wanted, but good care all their days.”
big, big hugs to you!!
Could you please post a thread answering the questions asked. It helps us understand your situation better instead of assuming.
Please, fill out your profile with as much information you are comfortable with. Age of parents is important. The needs of a 60/70 year old is quite different from a 80/90 yr old.
If you cannot find love and purpose in the tasks, search for, hire, pay, and monitor someone to take your place. Or, speak to your siblings to say you are at the end and perhaps they are at the point that they would rather spend their money instead of their time Together, you may all decide to find and fund a care facility
But, in the end, caregiving for someone else is an extension of caring for yourself. You have to know and care for yourself (physically and emotionally). Your diet, exercise, hobbies, and how you live all the days you are not with your parents play a role in how you approach the days when you are the caregiver. Get a therapist, beef up your nutrition and vitamins, exercise more, listen to music, build a network of friends, read, meditate, and find the things you love. Then, do those things when with your parents just as you do when you are not with them. And, anything you don't want to do for them when you are there, pay for out of pocket the days it is your responsibility: order in for healthy food, hire a gardener or housekeeper, bring in a sitter to give you a chance to leave during the day, etc.
i’m impressed you helped so many years and seem to be ok with it.
big hugs!
in my case, i absolutely don’t want this anymore. i have a LO who screams, blames, criticizes me after i help for hundreds of hours.
i have siblings who do nothing. i never knew until yesterday that they believe i’m the one who should do it all. they openly said so.
i helped my parents hire caregivers. but we’ve had bad luck sometimes with caregivers: stealing, awful behavior, suddenly abandoning/not turning up…
i spend hours finding other caregivers, etc, other problems.
i want my parents to live at home. they want this too. for now, they can manage — but millions of problems land on me.
but i explained to them, this will destroy my life. i said i must start working 100% on my life. i can’t continue helping like this.
hugs to us all!!!
courage.