My husband and I (35F 36M) have three children. He works and I am currently in school to finish my degree, as I have stayed home with all the kids and they currently are just starting high school and middle school so I will be able to focus on a career now. My husband’s mother has been creating so much unnecessary burden on my family for the last about 4 years. We are not wealthy at all and are always struggling. It was nothing we could not handle though. His mother decides at 65 to sell her home and move into our home (it was supposed to be temporary). She ended up sleeping on our couch for two full years while acting very selfish and inconsiderate. I had absolutely had it by this point. She was not paying rent. This is woman is 65 and healthy. My husband kept asking her to move and she kept saying she couldn’t move at the moment with one excuse after another. Our home was only three bedrooms and I couldn’t take it anymore. This woman is not working, she has over 200 thousand in an IRA account wasn’t collecting social security and was able to purchase herself anything and everything she wanted. My husband made a proposal to her that she could move into a larger home with us if she agreed to stop her behavior, pay rent, and give us 30 thousand for fees and to get the current home in shape to be sold. She threw a fit and was not even going to give him that money until I had it and called her selfish. We had to get a more expensive home with a higher interest rate. This women only contributes 1000 a month to the 4000 a month mortgage and pays no other costs. We could barely afford the 1300 mortgage we had. I am suffering as any time I bring up the unfairness of our mortgage going from almost 16 thousand a year to nearly 50 thousand a year, my husband gets very defensive. She literally only pays 12 thousand a year to help and doesn’t contribute any other way. She does nothing all day but get in my way. I have so much resentment towards her. Why does she need to live with us at our expense? Is this fair? Any advice would be appreciated thank you.
To answer your question, she "needs to live with you at your expense" because you've agreed to it!
What happens when MIL gets sick and needs lots of care? You'll be the one to do it or hubby will feel resentful. MIL now feels entitled to live with you forever since she gave you $30k to fix up the old house and pays $12k a year to live in the new house.
You've agreed to set her up for life and to set yourself up for a life of resentment and anger in the process!
I don't have advice for you because I don't know how you'd go about getting rid of her at this point! You'd be in an even worse position to pay your mortgage should you convince hubby to ask her to move out. Then what? Then you sell this house and downsize back to a smaller home again, but I don't imagine dh would entertain the idea.
I'm sorry you're in this position and wish you good luck and Godspeed figuring out how to make this work. For the sake of your children's peace of mind most of all.
(But I'll try).
No one has someone "end up sleeping on the sofa".
Normally, one's husband would not "make a proposal" to such a woman; normally one's husband would tell her that she is no longer welcome, and tell her to vacate the premises.
(By the way, she is 2 years old than my daughter).
And here you are "bringing up the unfairness....." etc etc.
Oh dear. Oh my.
I suggest instead bringing up an eviction attorney.
I suggest beginning eviction proceedings ASAP.
I am glad to hear she has 200,000 but if she's thinking she can retire on that, she should probably think again, and then get a job.
You are an adult.
I think you are PERFECTLY capable of handling all this should you ever choose to.
The MIL is sitting on 200K large so she doesn't need them to finance an apartment for her or pay for anything.
What they should pay for is the small fee to a sheriff to have her served with eviction papers if she refuses to move out.
Your name says Louisiana but your profile says, AZ. That’s neither here nor there, just caught my eye because I am a Louisiana resident.
Oh boy, it sounds like you are in way over your head with this situation. Of course, it isn’t fair that your mother in law is in your home.
I am trying to understand your posting. You say that her stay was only supposed to be temporary.
Why did she decide to sell her home to begin with? What was her plan after selling it?
Was she downsizing from a large home and planning to move into a smaller home or condo?
Did she just show up at your house one day and your husband told her that she could stay with y’all for a while?
If y’all have struggled financially, then why did you agree to take her in and move into a larger home? That’s called living above your means. Slash your budget as much as possible.
Plus, you should never rely on someone else’s money to live. You live according to your own means. Get a job, even if it is just part time. You won’t be paying daycare tuition for teenagers.
Actually, when my kids were teenagers they had their own jobs. It didn’t affect their school work. They were honor roll students in advanced classes.
I hate to say it but you’re financially screwed whether she stays or goes. Not to mention that you are miserable, not only with your mother in law but with your husband too, since he defends his momma!
This is a no win situation for you. Momma has it made in the shade. Tell your husband to deal with his mother. He started it. He can finish it.
My immediate advice at this point is to start working now. Are you attending school online? Or at a physical campus? How far away are you from graduation?
Either way, find a job where you can work around your school schedule. Your kids are teenagers.
I realize that you wanted to remain home with your children but you have to set some priorities. Your kids are teenagers now and are capable of being alone while you are working to earn extra income.
Your mother in law needs to find a job too. $200,000 won’t take her very far in today’s world.
Best of luck to all of you.
Mom will think she is set for life now. it will be difficult to make her leave .
Moving again now may be financially out of the question. You need to visit with an eldercare attorney to figure out how to protect yourself financially going forward , should your MIL ever need to apply for Medicaid . Medicaid has a 5 year look back in most states as far as gifts ( $30,000) . Have it on paper what your MIL is to contribute monetarily. Mom should be listed a renter on paper to protect your own home from the reach of Medicaid.
That’s the minimum. Ideally you would downsize to something affordable and your MIL gets told she needs to move out to her own apartment . I wish you luck . This is a terrible mess. Perhaps some marriage counseling would help as well .
You need to get your career going so that you can support yourself should this end your marriage.
I'm sure she'll try to turn this around on you guys, crying that you're throwing her out. Whoa. Back it up. SHE inserted herself into your home and has been impossible ever since. You are just trying to reclaim your lives.
Start setting boundaries ASAP. You CAN do this now. She doesn't have to like it or agree but the nonsense needs to end. For the sake of your marriage and your children.
Best of luck.
Either decisions were made by you & your husband or you both passively let MIL decide.
Either actions were taken by you & your husband to move MIL in, or you both passivley watched as she unloaded a furniture truck & moved herself in.
Did anyone say NO?
Nevermind. That's the PAST.
What do you & your husband want now? Do you want the same thing?
If you both want MIL to move out, TALK to MIL & start making that happen.
While writing to a forum can be a wonderful way to express yourself, vent, clarify what you want.. staying in a hard done by role will only keep you feeling hard done by.
To be blunt, you have a choice.
A. To keep allowing MIL to rule your lives
B. Or NOT.
I mean, what in the world were you thinking when you decided to buy a bigger and more expensive house, instead of standing your ground that she needed to move out and get on with her life?
You and your husband have enabled her to live with you both pretty much scot free, while you both struggle financially. You've created a hot mess that will now be hard to get out of, but out of you must get.
So tell hubby that you've had enough of his moocher mother living with you and that it's either you that will be leaving or his mother.
Hopefully he loves you more than his mother and will side with you, but if not, tell them both you hope they live "happily ever after" together, and get out.
THROW HER OUT!!!
That's it. Tell her she's leaving or you will have a sherrif serve her with eviction and if she doesnt want to see her things sold at an auction or put out onto the curb, she will find somewhere else to live. You and your husband should offer to help her, but make sure you set a move out date and stick to it. Don't let her play the game so many people do which is finding fault with every place that is found for them.
She gets a place and moves in by the date you set, or she goes to a hotel on that date. Then work from there. You may need to downsize your bigger house and go some place more affordable. So do it.
If your husband gives you a hard time about his mother leaving, tell him that letting his mother move in was a mistake and she has to go. So either she goes or you do.
Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
"I’m pretty sure that she manipulated my husband into thinking that she can’t live alone..."
My take:
Mother manipulating her Son.
Son blinded by FOG.
. Fear of upsetting Mother.
. Obligation to provide for her.
. Guilt if he does not.
This is the Son's battle to work though. Will he stay a Momma's Boy?
"... because he said he would resent me if he kicks her out and something happened to her."
My take:
Son is still trying to rescue Mother.
He may view his Mother as the helpless, homeless victim here. Any attempt by his Wife to change his view, open his eyes, will provoke him to push back - to blame the Wife instead.
A toxic 3 person triange comminication style may have/or will, sprung up.
I suggest marriage councelling.
Get an impartial person to SEE what's happened, HEAR both sides from Wife & Husband. Then see if they are able to HEAR each other.
Otherwise this could end with Mother living with her (single) Son when Wife & children leave.
It may be something like an Assessor/Social Worker will conduct an interview with MIL, discuss her ADLs, what health issues she has. It can highlight how independant (or not) someone is.
Be best for your Husband & yourself to be present & involved. Since MIL is under your roof, this would be fair.
Get an experienced yet outsider's view of MIL's needs. From there, you can make plans with your Husband whether to stay a multi-gen household or start on a new plan.
This gives her leverage if she needs it.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where two people consider themselves equals. Your spouse's needs and wants come before everyone else's. In some instances before what the kids may want, and certainly always before what a parent or in-law wants or needs. Not one party does whatever they want and the other has to suck it up because they have no other choice. When the marriage becomes this, that is when it's time to consult the marriage counselor or the divorce lawyers.
You have described that MIL doesn't nothing to help around house. No cooking or cleaning? Does she have her own car? Does she help with chores, pay for food or utilities? This is a straighforward problem to solve:
*EVICT MIL. Husband can help move her out & get her things from storage. She can afford a rental deposit. She can get a job or file for Social Security.
*SELL the new bigger home you can't afford.
*DON'T REPAY MIL's $30,000, since she had 2 YEARS FREE RENT, ROOM/BOARD (food, utilities, cable TV). YOU OWE HER NOTHING.
*NEVER let MIL move back in under any circumstances.
*SCALE DOWN EXPENSES. Get used to it.
*GET A JOB during this unpleasant transistion, which includes you postpone getting your degree, unless you can do it ONLINE. Be glad you don't need to pay childcare.
*DOWNSIZE and live within your means!
You cannot afford the lifestyle you both allowed to happen, with a total USER/FREELOADER living there!
Do you two have any savings? Are you aware MIL gets to keep that $200K equity from the sale of her home TAX FREE? Her (alleged) 401K is probably separate, since she must have worked for years before becoming a leech.
Sit down with husband and get a plan. Time to do what is needed to fix the mess that you BOTH allowed to happen!
If husband refuses, you file for divorce. He will be paying child support at least another 10 years if he doesn't wake up.