Follow
Share

She has no savings. Has to pay caregiver. $20/hr, $300/mo visa bill, groceries utilities, taxes. She hasn’t found a skilled nursing facility she likes. She planned on selling her home to pay for that. She is very particular. So I’m loaning her money every month and she normally pays it back but recently it has been more borrowing and less paying back. What to do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Since she has options for where to go and an ability to pay by selling her house, you can stop lending her money without guilt. That will actually help her by prompting her to made a decision and get the long-term plan underway.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you!
(0)
Report
I think that you as an adult can decide what best to do about someone you loan money to, who doesn't pay it back.

Please refer this woman in need to APS or family members who might be able to help her with future needs.

Best out to you; clearly you have a good heart, but your head needs to tell you that it will take you a LIFETIME of careful saving and good luck to be able to afford not to be in this poor woman's position in future.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you. True.
(2)
Report
Stop enabling a user. That is what you do.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
You’re right!
(1)
Report
What does your cousins weight have to do with you loaning her money? She can join the club since 40.3% of adults in the USA are obese, and 12.9% are severely obese. Americans sure love super sized portions, drive thru windows and grazing on snacks.

Stop loaning your cousin money she's not paying back. That's giving her money when she owns a home she can sell. That's my suggestion.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
(0)
Report
You might consider going to a therapist to find out why you need to keep obeying and "rescuing" this cousin at your own expense. This is a codependent relationship and therefore not healthy. You are very enmeshed with her and it's costing you a lot in several ways, I don't mean to be unkind but rather, realistic.

She seems to be sucking you in more and more. Your best course is to stop enabling her and set firm boundaries as to what, if any, help you will give her. She won't like it but then you don't like what is happening to you, and you are every bit as important as she is. Your job is first and foremost to look after yourself. No one else can do that.

There are very good suggestion in posts here. You need to protect yourself from this person who is taking advantage of you. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Time to put a stop to that and put yourself and your needs first. Take steps towards that and take care of you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Flyhigh53 Mar 2025
Eye opening! Thank you! I’ve got a lot to think about!!
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
You are free to loan money to whomever you please; I myself, if asked for a loan, make it a gift or don't do it at all. Because normally it becomes, indeed, a gift.
If a "loan" in my mind I would feel free to judge everything the person I loaned to--what they paid for a cup of Starbucks; whether they went to movie at night, or cheaper matinee, how often they are out to eat or order in a pizza, whether they were playing around of Home Shopping Network, etc. Not a good thing. Not for them and not for me.

I will only say this. I do give to charities, I do help family members, BUT, I have a set limit I personally will not fall below myself, for what I guesstimate (and it is just that) my own care, given I had to go into memory care tomorrow, would cost me. I am 83 this year. We are getting closer to the point where I cannot outlive my money; but not there yet!

Do understand in your own mind that it takes a LIFETIME of good job, good luck, hard savings, coupon clipping to save up enough to be what Dave Ramsey (I recommend him for your listening pleasure and hers as well) calls "self-insured".
If you are not that--SELF INSURED--you would be foolish to foster another's need beyond small help, grocery bag now and again, etc. Help her explore management of her money; help her keep a good budget. Help her understand the repercussions of non-payment of her bills.

Wish you the best. All your decision as an adult, but just a couple of small things to think about. Hope others can help as well.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Flyhigh53 Mar 2025
Thanks! Loved your style of writing! Lots of food for thought! Tjx’
(1)
Report
IMO you need to stop supporting this untenable situation. She needs to get on with the next phase of her life, which is finding a facility where she can be cared for and selling her home to pay for it. I am mystified as to why you started loaning her money in the first place. It just puts off the inevitable.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
She inherited her home from her mom and $300,000 from an aunt so she decided to remodel the home. Unfortunately she was scammed by the contractor and it took five years to finish. She had to borrow to pay a new contractor. When she moved in, I was happy for her then health emergency , hospital,& nursing home. She had physical therapy and it was dreadfully painful. The staff said she shouldn’t live alone. I don’t have any say over what she does and she went back home. You’re right. I never should have loaned her money. It did delay the inevitable. Thank you for your response.
(1)
Report
“I’m resentful, unappreciated even used” Yes, you absolutely are, and only you can put a stop to it. Stop dancing to the tune of a bed bound manipulative person. Her demands are not your commands. Don’t store her stuff or meet her expectations for more help or money. She’s in this position for a reason, a reason you cannot and should not attempt to fix. I’m sorry you’ve been used and hope you won’t choose to be again
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Your cousin’s life is none of your business really
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

First and foremost, stop loaning the money. If she has the assets to sell to pay for her AL, then she should do just that. It is not YOUR responsibility.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter