I take him to all doctor appointments, including GP, pulmonologist, etc. He had a stroke in January 2026 and was in the hospital for 2 weeks, then rehab for two weeks in February 2026. I went to see him every day and fed him, went to many PT/OT sessions, and kept on top of his progress. My two sisters are not interested in helping. My brother was in poor health and ended up almost drinking himself to death after dad’s stroke. On top of taking care of dad, I took brother to emergency room 3 times in March and April. Once dad went home, I was doing cleaning, picking up meds, grocery shopping, and pretty much doing anything he can’t do. He has tremors so bad he can’t write checks or anything that requires stability. Dad was a neglectful, angry person when us kids were growing up and never took any interest in our own families. Now that he can’t do much, he calls constantly and is very needy and manipulative. I am an active 68 year old but have 3 chronic diseases that are impacted by stress and smoking. My dad is a heavy smoker and I have Polycythemia Vera and should not be in that unhealthy environment. I have reached a breaking point mentally because I know he is only concerned about what I can do for him and knows nothing about how dangerous it is for me to continue his caregiving. I have no doubt that I sound weak and whimpy, but I have no support. I miss spending time with my husband and own family. I am planning my son’s wedding reception at my house this week. I don’t know how to communicate with a narcissist. I want to help but it’s literally killing me. My sister has POA is only interested in his money.
If your sister is your father's POA then it is her that has the responsibility that he's receiving the care he requires whether at home or in a facility, not you.
And if she doesn't want to step up, then you call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves who has a POA that's not doing their job.
Your ONLY responsibility now is yourself(and health), your husband and marriage and your children and grandchildren. You married your husband NOT your father, so it's time to put your big girl panties on and learn how to say and use the word no. It's such a powerful little word and has such a huge impact when used. You may want to try it....I think you'll really like it.
No parent in their right mind would ever want their child "killing" themselves over their care, so time to step away and let the chips fall where they may.
We read versions of your story SO OFTEN here on the forum: highly conscientious, caring, empathetic adult children moving heaven and earth to care for absent, neglectful and/or abusive parents at the expense of their own health (mental as well as physical), jobs, future retirement, marriage, even relationships with their own children and grandchildren.
To an outsider, it looks like the adult children are trying desperately to finally gain the love and affirmation that was withheld from them by the bad parent during their childhood— love the parent probably isn’t capable of giving. 😞
I think you should step back, STOP spending ANY time in the toxic smoke, and limit your help to assisting him (by phone, or from the outside of his house on his front steps or whatever, AWAY from the toxic smoke) with finding another living situation that doesn’t involve your hands-on involvement.
Then POA either uses Dad’s money to hire help or he goes in assisted living .
Since POA is only interested in money , she is THRILLED that you are doing this work for free . This won’t change unless you stop . If you step back and sis does not step up and get Dad the help he needs , you can call APS .
You have no legal responsibility here , your POA sister does .
You are the empathetic daughter , meanwhile your sister is living her life .
Take your life back.
There is a saying that goes something like this "they will not find options as long as you are the option" You can tell your sister your health is such that you can't do it anymore. Tell Dad to call her, she is the one he assigned POA. If she does not get him help, then call Adult Protection Services to evaluate the situation.
Pulmonologist, I would not take him. I would call the Doctor and tell him that Dad is still smoking so much so you can't enter his house. He is just wasting the doctors time and he can drop him. You had to feed him! That is the aides job.
You can let him live the life he planned for and move on to live the life you deserve.