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We have always beem together specially in our adult life but a fragile body, bed ridden and lung issues have gotten difficult to manage. I was at the forefront of it all while trying to manage my work, life and marriage. I was so stressed and Burnt out always. I miss her terribly and would love to have her back home. Her daughter wanted me to put her in alf for my sake and hers. I still struggle a year amd half later and feel so very very guilty to have her out of her home. She begs for me to bring her back, if taking care of her was unbearable us being apart has saddened me greatly

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Get therapy for the guilt. It's undeserved.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I'm sorry you miss your sister. She is where she needs to be.
You could move into the ALF with her.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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One of the most difficult decisions anyone makes when caring for another is .. "What do I do when their care is more than I can manage?"
To that there are a few options.
1. You hire caregivers to help you.
This is great if you have the funds to do so. Also, great if your home is set up so that caring for them is safe and easy for you and them. (and the caregivers)
2. You find a facility that can manage their care. This leaves you more time to spend with her as a sibling and not as a caregiver.
3. You continue to try to do this yourself running the risk of hurting them or yourself. Burning yourself out. And worst case having family try to find a facility for you while you recover from an injury and find a facility for your sister.

Sure you are struggling. That is only natural. You want the best for her. Sometimes the best is not what we want. (listen to Garth Brooks "Unanswered prayers")
She is safe where she is.
Now..if her lung issues have improved. If she is no longer bedridden. If she is no longer as fragile as she was a year ago then MAYBE it could be possible with help. But I doubt that any of those issues have improved.
I think if you would be totally honest with yourself you would agree that she is where she needs to be for the care that she needs.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You are experiencing grief. Please give yourself the acceptance that your emotions is not guilt. You did your best in a very difficult situation that left you stressed and burned out. You need to heal and have your wellbeing as a priorty now.

Her daughter is very wise and strong. She put both you and your sister needs above wants that were and still are unattainable. Many times this is not the case and other family members make the primary caregiver work to the point of burn out. You are lucky in that you can have a life and still be their for your sister.

I wish you peace, strentgh and the knowledge that your sister is where she should be.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Slartibartfast 15 hours ago
This! It's grief, and it's ok to feel grief when things suck and aren't going to get any better. In your frenzy to stop these awful feelings you're having self destructive thoughts, because bringing her back home would be your destruction. Probably survivor's guilt is part of this too. I'm so sorry.
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I agree with her daughter who cares about both of you. Her decision shows her concern for you and her mother. She is familiar with both of you and your situations, and feels this arrangement is best for both of you. I would think a daughter should make the final decision, not a sister. You can again have a "sisterly" relationship instead of a patient /caregiver arrangement. The daughter has made a thoughtful and caring decision.
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Reply to Sandra2424
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Your sister is now where she needs to be and where she needs to remain. She was too much for you to handle when she lived with you a year and a half ago, and you stayed stressed and burned out "always" and caring for her was "unbearable."
If anything your sister now requires even more care than when she initially lived with you and has 24/7 care which includes many people looking after her.
You are but one person. How in the world do you think you can take on her care once again? You can't. It's truly as simple as that. Your husband and marriage deserve better than that don't you think?
And just to clarify...what you're feeling is grief and not guilt. Guilt is for those who have done something wrong which you haven't. Instead you are grieving the sister you grew up with and spent a lot of time with, and are losing to poor health and old age.
Life happens and we don't always get what we want, but we must always do what is best for all involved. And right now keeping your sister where she's at is truly best for all involved.
So just make your visits with her as positive as possible and enjoy whatever time you may have left with her.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I vote absolutely no, do not bring her back. You are married - to someone other than your sister. How can you possibly do that to your spouse, again? Your sister has a daughter so don't interfere with her wise decision for her Mom to stay in facility care. Even she sees that it is unsustainable and unwise for you to be your sister's solution.

Your life and your spouse are your #1 priority, not your sister. This doesn't mean you don't care for her deeply. You didn't cause her propblems and you can fix them. You're not responsible for her happiness. There are hard things in later life...lots of things that cause sadness. Your sister has a daughter and sister (you) who care about her and that's more than a lot of people have.

If you were burnt out before yet she your sister is still begging for you to return to that... what kind of person is she? To me it looks like she doesn't seem to care what it's doing to you and your spouse. Think about that.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Geaton777 20 hours ago
"...and you CAN'T fix them."

ugh, typing with not enough coffee...
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More details needed for a response. What are your ages? How often do you see her now? Are you still working full time? What led, specifically, to her placement? Caring at home for anyone who is completely bedridden is very challenging, no matter what the circumstances or how agreeable the patient. Cleaning, lifting, toileting - all very hard on one person to manage. She is in an unhappy place in her life, this is just a fact. Having her back home might make you both unhappy and is probably not realistic or safe for either of you. Why not make the most of where she is?
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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I’m so sorry Bonnie. There doesn’t seem to be a great solution. Sometimes we have to accept we are doing the best we can and that they are doing as well as they are able.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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