I have power of attorney for my mother, she is 90. My sister says I should be providing a ledger of how my mothers social security money is spent to her(my sister). My mother lives with me. I take full care of her.
Meals, showers, trips to doctors, medicine provided, vacation trips. I have been doing this for 4 years now. My sister moved to another state and has never participated in care of my mother. Does she have any say in how my mothers money is spent? All of it is spent on my mothers needs and the preservation of the household. Am I doing anything wrong?
I am a family transition coach, and I specialize in working with families in your situation. My perspective is that anything that can be done to foster communication among siblings regarding their aging parents is a good thing. I would use your sister's request as an opportunity to begin to work together. For example, why not tell her how pleased you are that she is interested in becoming more involved in Mom's care, and tell her you'd like to convene a family meeting. If you have other siblings, they should be invited too. The meeting can take place in person or by conference call, whatever makes sense for your family. Depoending upon your Mom's condition, it might make sense for her to participate in the meeting too.
Create an agenda for the family meeting, starting with you, as the primary caregiver, giving an update on the situation -- describe Mom's current condition, her prognosis, her current care needs, anticipated care needs, and a report on the financial situation (Mom's income, expenses, assets, liabilities, monthly or annual budget, and insurance) complete with handouts. Then, present a list of all of the caregiving needs, irrespective of who is currently providing them. That should include the need for funds, the need for respite for the primary caregiver, as well as hands on care, companionship, transportation, and coordination (including bill paying, insurance claim resolution, etc.). Once the siblings have the full "as is" picture and that list of needs, ask each of
them to indicate what resources they can bring to the table. Some will bring money, others will bring time, and others may not be willing or able to contribute in any way other than being emotionally supportive of Mom and her caregivers. At the conclusion of the meeting, agree on a method of keeping the channels of communication open, and for any next steps. For example, you may all agree that a quarterly financial update is appropriate. Or, one sibling may take on the responsibilitiy of being the one to email everyone once a week or once a month a caregiving update covering all aspects of the "project".
Often, the sibling who has filled the vacuum and is serving as the sole caregiver for the parent feels taken for granted and frustrated. On the other hand, the other siblings sometimes wonder who "appointed you queen" or don't know how to offer to help because you give the impression that you have everything under control. The family dynamics are complicated!
I recommend a book called "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo for families in your situation.
I hope this helps a little.
-- Sheri
As you can see, my view is that
elder-care. Your local area on aging will have names for
you OR goggle to find.
Send 3 the same email: that you are "looking" for someone
to handle your mother's financial estate and need their pricing
structure and contract period (most require 6 mo minimum).
Once you get the responses, send a letter to your sweet sis
and tell her:
- you understand her concern
- your caregiving for your mom is your first priority as it has
been for the past 4 years and
- doing a ledger would be really time consuming, you're not
a CPA, never used Excell, whatever and it would take away time from mom
- if she really wants to have a ledger done, she can pay for
1 or the 3 providers you have estimates from to do it. It's
her choice or she can find one on her own
- tell her you prefer the one closer to your house, as
it's only XX miles @ .50 per mile for you to be reinbursed for
- Once she has set this up and paid for it, you will be glad to drop off to them XX # of boxes of reciepts
- if she actually pays to have this done (I doubt it!)- make a trip to Kinko's and xerox all of them, send it all certified mail. Dont'
sort the receipts, send them a jumble
- don't do the medical ones - Sis can contact the providers and pay for copies of statements herself.
Make it very straightforward and business like but end
with something warm & fuzzy, like "Mom remembered how
much you still.../her grandson still..........and wondered if
you still did as she hasn't see you in such a long time.
If it's a big estate, this actually will be a good thing. But if
this is all about unresolved interpersonal dynamics, she
won't do a thing if it costs her time and $$. Good luck!
I think that keeping the lines of communication open is a very good thing. But, to make the primary caregiver have to keep extensive records or call formal meetings is just too much work added to an already impossible burden.
I think that asking the sibs to take turns coming for a few weeks a year to give you a break is a great way for them to spend quality time with their parents and the can have as much fun as they want to "go over the books."
Keep good records...but do not become the unpaid account for unresponsive sibs.
I know how hard it is to keep records, and I don't do a very good job of it, so things may come back to bite me in the end. So be it! I can't do everything myself and my 6 siblings don't seem to have the time to visit, much less help out with all the paperwork I do for Mom. Bring it on! It can't be much worse than the last 2 years of being a full time caregiver!
extended her life. She has several problems,Wheelcare bound.
feedtube, parkisions, transfer with 2 people. My father
has terminal cancer.
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, no one can do the in home care. My older sister stated that she would take care of them
in their home but she really did not want to do this.
Story short, I had to come from out of state and bring help
and give up everything to help my parents.
My sister would not work with us and finally faked a back injury
to leave. I agreed to help but now my hours are 24/7.
She turned my brother and sister against me saying I am here for money. Well Jesus was persucuted for being right?
She tried to put my mother in a nursing home to many times and the agrument continues. It is sad because she turned the others against me and refuse to bring their kids here now.
My parents begged me to come help them but they cant tell their other kids off.
I am being crucified for keeping my parents alive and their
selfish spoiled brat kids cant handed it.
Very uncomfortable situation for me and my caregiver.
Tell her to come and get a copy of it. And while she's at it, she can watch how the money is actually spent -- and pitch in caring for your mother. That should keep her quiet. ... At least for a while. If she's not satisfied, tell her she can have power of attorney. But mom is going to have to move in with her. Scary, isn't it?
-- ED
Any suggestion I made was met with hostility and/or resistance. I understand the point of the writer who stated that "A sibling who doesn't provide any care for a parent has nothing to complain about," but that is a very broad statement and does not take into consideration the reasons that a sibling may not be participating in care day to day.
My sister was unemployed or sporadically employed during this time. She is divorced and lives alone. She was there when my mother was hospitalized and wanted to look in on my dad, who was still able to live alone. We did not know the situation would progress to the point that both of them would require extra care.
My sister and parents discussed the power of attorney in order for my sister to handle their financial affairs (social security and claims for AHCCCS, as they are in that income bracket). As things developed, she became the 'overseer' of the medical needs as well, transporting them to Dr. appts. and keeping in touch with the assisted living staff and administration. The placement of my parents in the home they are in now, was largely a group effort, which I initiated with extended family members. We moved my parents and my sister to a new city and paid for my sister's apartment, security deposit, rent, car payments, furniture, clothing, and covered other costs of living. She was unhappy living where she was and looked forward to the relocation for personal reasons as well as the proximity to my parents.
Since then, she has become estranged from several family members and has cut off communication with me and my husband completely. Once we were no longer to pay for her expenses and pick up payments for her rent and car when she did not find work, she stopped communicating. Now she refuses to give us any information regarding my parents health, finances, etc. She has spoken to the staff at the home and has given them instructions to NOT tell me anything regarding their health, medications, hospital visits, ER care, etc. She is using her position as a power play and leaves us to guess or call around to various relatives in an effort to remain informed. My mother is suffering from a second stage dementia, and is not the most reliable witness or reporter of events. She is easily confused and upset and mixes up information. If we call to check in, she may become upset just because she worries or misses us. If she mentions this to my sister, my sister jumps to the conclusion that we are "upsetting mom" and has her daughter (who is an attorney) call and give us directives to NOT call, NOT communicate, and accuses us of selfishly "upsetting" our mother.
I cannot get any information about how money is being spent- and only know that between my husband and myself, we have given or spent over $7,000 on my sister and were sending checks to my parents almost monthly. I found out through an aunt (my mother's sister) that the checks I was sending to my parents were being cashed by my sister and then 'doled out' to my parents as my sister saw fit. When I would ask my mother what she bought or did with the money sent (most often a couple hundred dollars) she would name items that might cost $50.00. My aunt verified that my mother was not receiving the full amount sent and there are suspicions among close family members that my sister was using the money to pay her own expenses. My sister told my parents that she was "paying for their food" they have in the room and other things for which their social security was adequate. I began sending money to them through my aunt to ensure the money was received.
The last time my father was hospitalized, my sister did not even bother to let me know. I found out when I phoned my mother and she was upset that I had not called him at the hospital. My sister would not give me the correct phone number or room number, and I had to call information and call hospitals to find out where he was. The next day, my niece, the lawyer, called me to say I was not allowed to inquire about my father as it was a "HIPPA violation." Is there anything I can do, before my father loses mental faculties and my mother becomes incapacitated by dementia, to get some access to information? Can my sister continue this bullying behavior and keep all information from me and my husband legally?
I'm not saying this is you. If you are so worried about your parents care, why don't you contact elder services in their area and ask for help. There is no legal reason why you shouldn't be privy to your own parents health conditions. If you feel that strongly about what your sister is or isn't doing for them, you need to step up and do something.
If your niece is a lawyer, she is probably providing legal documents to the facility your parents are in, as to who can be given information on their conditions. The question is, are these really legal, or something she drew up to keep you away. As for your sister, she had better be keeping a record of how their money is being spent. When it runs out, the state will ask for an accounting of the last 3 years and if she doesn't have receipts, she will be liable to pay it back.
My advice is to seek legal help to be able to be a part of your parents well being. Good luck!
Definitely get a fee for all you are doing! You deserve it!
If you and your sis who is the POA ever have an argument (and dont say never) they could accuse you of taking Moms money. Get it in writing ok?
But I also feel that we as caregivers need compensation just to be able to survive. Most of us have given up our jobs and yes, what should be the best part of our lives, to care for someone. if you have siblings that do not help, but are hovering for their share, then maybe they should put in their share of care giving too!
Unfortunately, there are also the bad care givers that take advantage of their charges. Shame on them! But there are ways to deal with them also.
It's high time our country realizes that families are struggling with the all too real problems of caring for our elderly. My hope would be that some form of aid could be available for all struggling caregivers, someday.
In the meantime, everybody hang in there and take care!
Ditto, I agree completely. Since when do our parents owe us an inheritence? Should there is money left, why should the non caregivers reep the benefits of it. My Dad certainly wouldnt have wanted his loving wife to be put in a nursing home so that the children take the money. Of course he wanted to leave money to his children, but he always asked to please "take care of Mom" first.
When I first started taking care of my mother-in-law's finances, the bank suggest that the check book have a carbon attached to every check, so every time I write a check for her expenses, there is a copy for any family member that might want to see it. Also paying her bills online and having the other brothers have access to that account was one of my better ideas. I'm seeing a trend here, that when things are 'above board' everything is good and everyone seems to get along. BUT when there's something shady going on with the mom/dads finances, then there's nothing but turmoil, suspicion, trouble and hurt feelings.
I know this is an old thread, but I'd like to point out two things, here.
1) As the caregiver and person holding the DPOA, you have a responsibility to show that you are spending this money to the benefit of the one being cared for. If there are "grey" areas (i.e. household expenses, etc.) that seem to be covering more than just her personal care, try making out a list of what you do, what you provide, how many hours you contribute to your mom's care. Set up a budget that shows your monthly expenses, and be sure to list a reasonable "charge" for your service.
2) No, your sister doesn't have the right to make you give her this information, but if you were abusing the 'caregiver' relationship, she'd be within her rights to call you on it. She cares - you can prove yourself to her or not, but in the end, you DO know if you aren't doing it right. If you have to justify any expense to yourself, that's a red flag.
Another way to do this is to set up a separate account for your mom and her income - set up her bills on an autopay system, so that you will not always have to withdraw cash or checks, and document eveything. Make copies of all medical bills, prescriptions, etc. Don't just assume that it's okay to spend her money, even if it benefits her. If you are spending $600/month in groceries but your mom only eats cereal ... something is screwy. Is her money supporting you and your family? Do you have your own income?
I believe your sister has a right to see what you are doing, if only to assure herself that you are not abusing the power. What would you do in your sister's place?
That said, I also realize that family members are not always rational in their accusations. So, be the grown-up. Own up to your responsibility in this - you don't HAVE to jump through her hoops, but validating your expenses won't harm you, unless your sister is right.
~FyreFly