The worst case scenario that I have feared regarding my mom has come to pass. After years of begging her to assign a POA, make end of life decisions, to write a will and get her financials in order she has stubbornly refused and now she has been declared incompetent by her doctors and folks are pressuring me to do pursue guardianship of her. I have suffered since a child from my mother's abuse due to her alcoholism and moved faraway 34 years ago. My only living sibling cut ties with my mother 16 years ago and so caring for my mom has been my sole responsibility. I don't blame my sister, my mother is difficult and has become more impossible in the last three years. She cut me off in August telling me she never wanted to speak to me again when I last asked her to get an elder care attorney. I have faithfully and lovingly cared for my mom the best I could. I have done a lot of research about what my legal responsibilities would be to her in the state of Michigan and they are onerous. The application process is onerous, I live many states away and am simply emotionally bankrupt and don't have the resources to take guardianship on. I have read a lot of answers regarding guardianship on this forum and reading people's experiences has been so helpful. But I am struggling even after I spoke with my mom's hospital social worker yesterday and told her I cannot be my mom's guardian. She agreed it is not in my best interest being a survivor of abuse, she was so kind and compassionate. I am now fielding phone calls from friends of my mother who are pressuring me to be her guardian. "Your mom needs you and it would behoove you to do it for her," are some of the plum messages I have received. Help me craft some language to respond to them please. I am already so sad that my mother's life has come to this despite my best efforts, my mother made a choice not to empower me to care for her and now she will be at the mercy of a stranger.
You don’t owe them any explanations . My blunt response would simply be that “ I offered to help get mom’s affairs in order but she declined . “
But if you don’t want to be blunt go with what you already said “Despite my best efforts my mother chose not to empower me to care for her .”
Add that you are exhausted and have nothing more to give her.
That's all you need to say. Then you hang up or leave the room.
The people who are pressuring you have no idea what would be involved. However, if they'd like to find out, tell them that she's all theirs and that they have your blessing to be her guardian.
Transitional times are the hardest. You will get past this and be at peace in your life. Best wishes to you.
For people deemed unable to make their own decisions or understand why they require a Guardian, they can blame their loss of freedom on the appointed Guardian.
The Guardian can become the hated.
This can have severe negative results;
1. impedes the work the Guardian must do
2. adds much stress to the relationship - even break it
3. the person requiring care has 'lost' (in their eyes) their closest family member
This was explained to me by a kindly social worker too.
I had long expected I would one day take on Guardianship for a LO. But I was changing my mind & the above confirmed it.
I too have wondered how to deal with family & others that would not understand the complexity. I think something simple may do it. Eg "It will be better for her to have a relative (me) PLUS an appointed person as Guardian. Two is better than ONE!"
Tell anyone of your mom's friends that they are more than welcome to become your mom's Guardian. A Guardian does not need to be a family member.
YOU owe NO ONE an explanation for why you do not want to be the Guardian.
YOU need to protect your own health that is mental, emotional, as well as physical.
Your mother wasn't always an incompetent needy elder. She was an abusive drunk.
You forgave that and still had a relationship with her.
When she wasn't an incompetent needy elder you made numerous attempts to get her to take some responsibility and do a POA and to let you help her. Your best efforts were met with stubbornness, anger, and bullying.
You know, I have an old saying.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. So true.
Do all these people who are guilt-tripping you about becoming your abusive mother's guardian, have anything to say to your sister who cut all ties with her 16 years ago?
My friend, all the response you need for every single one of these people who are getting on you about guardianship is right here:
"If anyone would like to take guardianship over my mother please do so and with my blessing. If you are unwilling to then you would do well to shut the hell up. I tried for years to help my mother get her life in order and she stubbornly refused like the abusive bully she has always been to my sister and I. Now it is too late and the state will appoint a conservator/guardian. If any of you want to take up the job, put your halo on and petition the court for guardianship of her. My sister and I will not fight you on it. In fact, we will support you. I will be shocked indeed if even one of you visits her a single time in the memory care or nursing home the state places her in. So either step up, or shut up. God bless and have a nice day".
I suggest you use this message and send it as an email to every person giving you crap about letting the state take over for your mother.
And get the book Never Simple by Liz Scheier about her Mom's mental illness, and her attempts over many decades, to NO AVAIL, to help her (along with the entire support of the city and state of New York, by the way). Let them borrow the book when you're done.
Are you absolutely certain that what you are saying, and presumably thinking, is factually and legally the case?
Your moms “friends” are close enough and concerned enough TO HER, that they can dictate what it “behooves” YOU to do? What does their concern behoove THEM to do?
GOOD FOR YOU for having explored the responsibilities of assuming guardianship over her, and EVEN MORE, GOOD FOR YOU for having come to a well informed conclusion that guardianship would NOT be in your best interests.
If you can, do some research now into the management of a client who becomes a ward of the state. Bear in mind that depending upon her present residence, the pandemic may have currently reduced the amount of client contact that was once available to clients living in state control, but things should be improving with time.
But “….at the mercy of a stranger…”? Michigan is a progressive enough state that there may be glitches, but unlikely outright failures in care. State regulations are fairly strict. Find out about Michigan in this regard.
With information in hand about state ward status in Michigan, you AND NOBODY ELSE will be more empowered to decide where a balance lies in your responsibility, and have a crystal clear conscience when making the decisions you need to make to afford her AND YOU the best level of safe, peaceful life in the future.
Her FRIENDS? Not part of your decision making process.
Don’t “field” their phone calls. Don’t answer them. Remember the old saying “With friends like these, who needs enemies”.
If you can make a decision that will allow her a SAFE life, be at peace that you’ve done all that should be fairly expected of you.
I'd very calmly tell them that my mother requested I never speak to her again, and after a lifetime of alcoholism and abuse at her hands that has already lead to a 16-year estrangement from her only other child, you know this to be the best decision.
Then feel free to ask if they have any questions, and I suggest you answer them just as bluntly.
Remember, your mother's shame if not YOUR shame. There's nothing to hide from people, so let the truth come out.
As I've said elsewhere, for some of us, the way to maintain sanity while caring for elders, especially those of the uncooperative variety, is not to give a flying f*** about what others think.
I understand how you feel broken. I had addiction in my family too. My brother was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up to him and he died several years ago.
I have sought therapy during stressful times in my life. It does help to speak with someone who will have an objective view of your situation.
Sometimes, when we are too close to a situation, we don’t see things as clearly as we should.
You seem to understand exactly what is going on. It is nice to hear validation from a therapist to motivate us to stay on track.
It’s also nice to be able to express our thoughts on a topic without being judged.
Of course, none of your mom’s friends or anyone else is going to step up and take responsibility for your mom. Not that I blame them but they have no right to tell you what to do.
You’ll get through this difficult period. Transitional times are always the hardest. Stay strong. Keep us posted on your progress and vent anytime that you need to.
You must do what is best for you. You do not have to listen to what others say.
Simply tell them that your mom wouldn’t cooperate with you when you begged her to do what was in her best interest. So, now she is on her own because you don’t want to assume further responsibility for her.
You can also add that they are certainly welcome to care for her if they wish. I bet that will shut them up! Many people who are great at telling others what to do have never done it themselves.
Best wishes to you. Start focusing on own needs. It’s time to live life on your own terms.